Your are not your universe obliterating mega-crossover events. Your are not your variant covers, or your movie tie-ins, or even your love-affair with nostalgia. You are Jack’s Sagging Testicles. You are his Receding Hair-line, his Second Mortgage. You are Jack’s Enlarged Prostate, and you are Jack’s Pill Addiction. Welcome back to Fight Club, Marlas and Tylers. Welcome back to Buy These Futzing Comics. No rules here, my little space monkeys, only rad comics. Strap in, make sure you grab a name tag, and slide…

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Okay! And we are live, again! Buy These Flippin’ Comics!!! coming to you from the rotting guts of my Mind Palace. It’s a lot like that dweeb Sherlock’s Mind Palace, but the walls are covered in scrawling made from indiscernible fluids that are swearing fealty to the Gods of Diet Dew, Beards, and Buttocks. The room is constantly blaring the bass line to RTJ’s Blockbuster Night Part 1, and everything is generally terrible. But that’s where we’re coming to you from! The fuck do you want me to do? Lie (cheatstealkillwin)? Ain’t going to do it! This week sees a wonderful little collection of comic books hitting me upside the pocket, iPad, tangible bookshelf, booty, brain, and spirit. From the Marvelous Kamala Khan to Them Fucking Aliens out in the Asteroid Belt. From one final (She)-Hulking out to the glorious non-compliant members of Bitch Planet.

These are the comics I’m reading this week. Suggestions, much like free Dew and Nachos, are not just welcomed. They’re fucking encouraged. (Because I’m a fatty caffeine addict, who is oblivious to all the good comics out there.)

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I’m an overeater. Like, I eat a fucking fuckload. Like, a couple of nights ago the Wife woke me up. I was on the couch. I was on the couch because I decided I would eat a couple of chocolate chip bagels after taking a piss. Covered in crumbs and chocolate, I sauntered to bed. Where am I going with this? Chill. Chill. Sometimes I think of doing a diet blog to keep myself honest. But I’ll level with you — I like being a fatso too much. However, I also, also!, struggle with reading comics.

CAN YOU SMELL A FUCKING SEGUE?

Sometimes I get behind on my reading. Or I get overwhelmed by the sheer backlog of all the funnies I haven’t read. And I quit! Just straight-up fucking quit for months at a time. I drain away the nights I should be injecting sequential art to the meat-squash by refreshing asses on Tumblr. Or watching Vines of people I hate because hating things is easier than being productive.

So here I am. In Buy These Flippin’ Comics. I can’t fucking believe I haven’t burped up another one of these columns since September, since the HotSauce left us for Greener Pastures. I don’t really have a fucking reason. Laziness. Or business. Or both. Whatever. And so to tie it back into my overeating, chocolate-fingered nightmare, I’m hoping writing this column will keep me honest on my comics game.

And I’m hoping you’ll keep me honest by recommending froggy-fresh titles I should be checking out. I’m months behind, but I’m an Eager Beaver for Comic Wood.

Don’t know what’s dropping this week? Check out the releases right here.

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Ladies, germs.  I am not well.  What started out Monday as a simple sore throat, just the tiniest of itches, has mutated inside of me.  I am transformed now.  I feel wholly different.  I’m like Vincent D’Onofrio in Men In Black – just a human shell for an alien bug that is wearing me like a Member’s Only jacket, talking in slurred speech and a weird non-Midwestern dialect.  I feel like my mutant power is whining like an infant child.  Get Xavier on the phone, see if this is Omega Level or not.  Feels like it.  I have a few solaces, though:  hot liquids, cold ice cubes, a bunch of purple pills from Dr. Spaceman that soothe the throat but has the unfortunate side effect of “trickle nipple.”  And comics.  Comics have been a longtime sick-day savior, comforting me when medicine and absentee parenting did not.  So I venture out, my throat a hot barrel of fire.  So what if I’m Patient Zero for some new super-strain of Sarlaac Esophogeal Syndrome, I need mah comics!  And now I bring my buy-sies to you.  I’ve seen better days, sure, but sharing my weekly comic-book haul works better than any goddamned, bitter-tasting throat lozenge.  So step inside, friends.  Let’s heal through the power of funnybooks.

A full list of this week’s comics can be found right HERE.

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“It was a goddamn proles paradise”, my great-great-great-great grandson will say. He will decline to comment on how the machinery hauling ice off of the asteroids took his arm, crushing it between deadlines and an unforgiving ship hull. He will never, ever comment on how he lost his husband to a beautiful bartender and her false promises of making a new life on Mars. “It was a goddamn proles paradise”, he will repeat. Staring into the amber forgiveness of his drink. “Everyone could have a job if they wanted one”, declining to mention what those jobs were. “Everybody could make a life if they wanted one”, never actually describing what that life would be like.

But that’s another tale, for another day. All of us lead-foots here on the Blue Marble can only look forward to our great-great-great-great grandchildren and their expeditions in the Asteroid Belt with wonder. With anticipation. For us, the skies are still ceilings, and the planets still empty promises. To fulfill these yearnings we turn to narratives, to music, art, film, television, comic books.

These are the comic books I’m looking forward to this week. How about you?

Don’t know what’s coming out? Check a list of this week’s releases right here!

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It’s Wednesday, friends. Which means one thing. Namely, that my wife (to be) is coming home tomorrow from her business trip. And that fucking jizz rocket that bombed past my head earlier today as I wanked it for the 300th time since she left has yet to be found. I’m almost positive it punctured time and space, rupturing the Fabric of It All. Maybe it hit some nun in a McDonald’s on the other side of the planet. Whatever the case, I cannot fucking find it. And I’m worried.

But if Wednesday has to mean two things, the second would be that it’s time for another edition of Buy These Flippin’ Comics. Where we share the funny books we’re snagging on a given week. Me? For yours truly, this week is wrought with metaphysics, inspiring younglings, and the return of a favorite writer. Don’t know what’s dropping?

Check a list of this week’s releases right here!

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…and so just as it was prophesied in the Rotting Tome, confirmed in the veins-reading of the Blood Taco, and proselytized in the Halls of Manic Mistakes, it has come to pass. Weep or rejoice, for the message has been confirmed. “The Caffeinated One shall know Only The Solace of His Own Touch, for in his Time the Many Shall Become One.” Or in other words: you fucks are stuck with me writing this column now. And uh, pretty much every column. Every-everything here on Omega-Level. It’s fine. I’m fine. We’ll be fine.

—Anyways! Hey, fucks! This is Buy These Flippin’ Comics!!! And despite my caffeine problems, swollen prostate, and abandonment issues, I’m really fucking pumped for comics. As always! So let’s come together and share the various fucking funny books we’re buying this week. My choices this week run the gamut  from a Princess Warrior, to Time-Freezing Orgasms, to Yet Another Marvel Event

The entire list of this week’s comic book releases can be found right goddamn here.

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Some folks, after a huge critical and creative success, are content to rest on their laurels.  Some winners are one-and-done, fading back into the heaping middle of mediocrity with the rest of the world.  But for creators Matt Fraction & David Aja, fresh off of their 2014 Eisner win for “Best Single Issue,” laurel-resting is not an option.  Step inside and let’s talk about another landmark issue of a book destined to be talked about for years to come, an issue that is a storytelling force of nature, and one that puts a target on other creators’ backs.  And peeps, lemme tell ya – Hawkeye never misses.

A full list of this week’s comics can be found right HERE.

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Wednesday’s get me pumped folks, how about you?  I love the idea of new stories waiting out there for me, or continuations of old, beloved ones.  Though my heart is in San Diego right now, bouncing through the unwashed, cosplaying masses at Comic-Con, I can bring it back with a simple trip to the local comic shop, where these stories await my searching eyes and careful fingers.  So step inside and let’s talk about what’s in store for us, which includes the reinstallation of reality, robot janitors, homeless teens, rad future-Avengers, Bat-birthdays, and a healthy dosage of Warren Ellis!

A full list of this week’s releases can be found HERE.

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Wow, what a week for comics, huh ladies and germs?  A Batgirl redesign, an all-new Thor, both garnering worldwide press in the mainstream.  Can you feel it in the air?  The crackle, the hum, the whiff of ozone…change is coming.  There may come a day when news like a female Thor won’t attract that kind of attention, or the fact that an actual DC character is smiling in a comic won’t be seen as an oddity, but we’re not there yet.  However, I get the sense that comics are at a turning point, that we really are at the dawn of something new, something great, and fortunately, to prove my point there are a slew of great titles dropping this week to back up the claim.  So lace up those canary-yellow Tims, grab Mjolnir (or any hammer, should Thor’s weapon deem you unworthy), hit the jump, and let’s go smash some glass ceilings, shall we?

A complete list of this week’s comics can be found HERE.

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