I have just enough to do during this summer quasi-break to be stoked for the weekends. Ya know? Just enough stress to compel me to look forward to Friday evening. Plus, you know. It’s an opportunity to hang with my wife, and my husband, and eat a truckload of preposterously unhealthy food. As well, I get to spend some time with you motherfuckers. Here, at the Weekend Open Bar! The one-stop shop for buffoonery and camaraderie every weekend.
It’s shaping up to be a good weekend for me. Weather setting the tone. The heat wave’s finally breaking here, and good god, I can open my windows. Get some of that late-summer air wafting in. Reminding me that the descent into Autumn has thankfully begun, while being warm enough to not nip out. I must confess, it’s one of my favorite times of the year. I hope you’re appreciating it as much as me! If not, well, I hope you’re at least tolerating it.
Okay friends, fuck me sideways. You know what the hardest part about getting back into comic books is? Fucking catching-up! Like, the land has begun to reveal itself to me at this point. The swollen tempests of textual glory. The rolling hills of narrative bliss. The throbbing membranes through which to pass, emerging into a world of entertainment. But holy fucking moly, is this mixed-metaphor world of glory overwhelming. You know? It’s one thing to identify everything I should be reading. Surprisingly, that shit is proving rather easy. However, the real tug on the titty-clamp is purchasing and then consuming all of these worthwhile endeavors.
“This is supposed to be fun” I just bemoaned to my wife.
She looked me dead in the eyes and said “You know how many times I’ve wanted to say that to you?”
Okay, she didn’t say it. But, I don’t blame me if she’s thought it over the years. At my core I’m a pudgy dude with a slug for a pud.
So these are comic books! And they’re fucking rad. But Christ if I ain’t playing catch-up right now. Thankfully, I don’t have many on my plate for purchase this week. Which means after I finally, finally polish off The Stand, I’m just going to get cranking. Like, not cranking like you’d imagine me cranking. By the way, it’s odd that you’re picturing me cranking. Though, I’m sort of honored. I hope I’m shirtless in your mind. Wearing pink crocs. Fuck it, whatever. Picture me however you want.
What I mean by cranking, is cranking in the sense that I’m going to turn my ADD-powered non-focus on my currently compiling backlog.
In the meantime, here is what I’m snagging this week. It ain’t much, and lord knows I’m probably missing some dope shit. So hit me up in the comments with your own Snags of the Week. Or, if you’d prefer, how you picture me cranking. Ideally wearing pink crocs.
FUCK your curse and FUCK your elite, Dead Cells. The One Pixel Kid comin’ through. He’s giving no fucks and taking no hits.
Hey, friends! I know, Monday Morning Commute is a day late! But as my wife and I always say around that time of the month, “better late than not at all”, right? Here we are! Me kicking shit off crass as hell, which I suppose is par for my idiotic, juvenile course. How are you friends? Are you surviving the never ending Maelstrom of Cruelty and Resignation that is America in 2020? I hope so, dudes. I hope so. It ain’t easy, though! I’m feeling it lately.
From the privileged problems like not being able to go out to eat, to the more resonant ones like worrying about my job. My anxiety runs the whole gauntlet! Meanwhile, I suppose I’m just struggling with the loss of normalcy. I had a dream over the weekend that it was my first day back in the classroom after this whole son of a bitch runs its course. You know, to the extent that it ever will. COVID-19 is here forever in some form, baby! ‘Cause we all fucked up. But, man. That dream felt fucking good. I miss it, I genuinely do, the motherfucking classroom. My ass snapped awake, and there was just this melancholic-ass feeling in my guts.
I admit if my biggest sadness is not being able to teach in a classroom, I’m doing fucking well. Great, even. That said, it does register like a nut-punch to the existential nards that I’ll be teaching from home all Fall. Spring too, probably.
Anyways, enough caterwauling from this blubbering bitch. This is Monday Morning Commute! As probably all four of you know. Which means I’m about to give you a rundown of what I’m enjoying this week, what I’m looking forward to this week, and all of that other happy horseshit. Per usual, I hope you’ll join me in the comments. Ain’t gonna blame ya if you don’t, though!
Dick-lords and glorious babes of any self-identified gender, welcome to another edition of So These Are Comic Books! When I kicked off this comics column again, I should have known it wouldn’t be easy! Between time-constraints and a wild ignorance of the market, it’s sort of hard to know what’s going on. That said, my “time-constraints” right now are really just getting high and playing Ghost of Tsushima, or some shit. And if I’m being honest? The ignorance can burn off like a fog if I dedicate myself to actually reading about comic books. What. A. Fucking. Idea!
Seriously though, it’s as intimidating as fuck getting back into the game. I really, truly only recognize names from like, five years ago. A fact you’ll quickly pick-up if you read this column! But, maybe you got better things to do. Fingering your ass (a worthy activity), reading your own comic book purchases (a worthy activity), or compulsively reading COVID vaccine news (not a worthy activity, believe me).
That said, I fucking hope you’re here, friends! As well, fuck it, finger your ass while reading this column. Why not? Life’s short, your ass is a playground.
With that in mind, push pointer finger on prostate (or, if you don’t got one of those, just root around!) and get ready for what I’m snagging this week! Then, why don’t you mosey down into the comments section and let me know what other titles are worth snagging and/or your preferred anal play of choice.
Oh golly gee, friends! I gotta confess, I’m hammer this out right after writing this week’s comic books column! Which means my already bedraggled, fucking pathetic attention span is deep-fried! Really just absolutely sent to the fucking moon! But, if I don’t turn on the lights, tap the keg, and unlock the door, who will? Fucking no one! And fuck, dude! I want to hang out with you pig-sniffers, which means I really have no choice.
Thus, I’m gonna keep this son of a bitch short, sweet, and poorly edited. Let’s dance the Dance of Relaxation together this weekend, my friend! Tell me, you playing anything gripping? You eating anything gripping? You gripping anything exciting? Really just sort of tugging back and forth? I’m interested in all the details, the nitty-gritty. Let me be your confidant,. no one else will know. Save for, you know, anyone and everyone who comes across this column.
Hello, good friends! How is it going? Hope you’re staying healthy, hope you’re staying cool. There’s an absolute fucking monstrosity of a heat wave plastering the Northeast, and I’m realizing taking my daily two-mile walk was not the best idea. Said realization stemming from what can only be described as a scorched-ass feel from my unadorned cheeks. But, fuck! You know how it goes, dudes. I need my steps on the regular! Without a campus to canvas, it’s way too easily to let my pallid ass (a lot of me is tanned — my ass, and accompanying asshole? pale) fall into a sedentary lifestyle.
However, I’m paying the tab for it right now. A cruel mistress, nature happens to be. A beautiful one as well, though. What must be understood, what must be accepted, though — is she bargains with no one.
Anyways! Outside of a sun-raked skull-piece, I’m doing well. Today marks the true beginning of my pseudo-vacation. And dammit, I’m feeling better already. I’m sleeping, I’m more relaxed, Reality and All Its Horrors seem a bit more endurable. However, I don’t know if it’s disappointing to know that this isn’t how I always feel, you know? Like, this certainly isn’t my typical disposition. Or rather, my disposition during the middle of the semester. That said, at the same time? Perhaps I wouldn’t appreciate these moments of placidity if they were the norm. That said, at the same-same-same time? That’s probably the perspective the Endless Behemoth of Industry and Cultural Commands To Hustle To Death want me to fall for!
Eh, what the fuck can you do? Enjoy the moment, motherfuckers. It’s really all that’s promised our asses, anyways.
This is Monday Morning Commute!
…I’d rather die during sex.
Woo! It’s motherfucking vacation for me, baby! Well, almost. My summer class has concluded, which means that all I got across the next six weeks is the occasional work at the Writing Center. Woo! Woo! Drink in the musk of my euphoria, which will slowly burn off by early evening. I mean, I had to get up at 6:30 this morning. But, fuck it! Woo! Woo! Woo! It’s all good in this realm, baby! And, I hope you motherfuckers are ready to hang out this weekend!
Let’s pop on our robes, pop off our pants, and get to it, fellas! Stylin’! Profilin’! What are you beautiful fucks up to this weekend? Playing anything dope? Reading anything worthwhile? BBQing? It’s the time of times during the week when we all hang.
Jesus fucking Christ, friends! Is it really happening? Have I emerged from the mucus-covered womb of Oblivion? To resurrect the comic book column? Well, powder my scrotum and call me your baby boy! I have. I have! It’s been over four fucking years since I last babbled incoherently about the funny books! The sequential sweethearts! And in that time? Darkness! A pall over my comic book life. Like, no, seriously. I stepped foot in a comic book store for the first time in forever yesterday.
It was a glorious moment, not unlike Superman coming out of his Tomb-Thing, with a rich mullet and a black costume. At the same time? I have fucking no idea what’s going on in the world! Like, at all. So, that’s why I have CLEVERLY rebranded this column, to celebrate my reentry into this glorious world. So These Are Comic Books! Get it? No? Yes? Fuck you!
Seriously though, I need you fuckers to participate in this weekly New Comic Book Day column! Now, more than ever. ‘Cause let me tell you, I’m fucking clueless about the world these days.
Per usual, I’ll go first! But I hope to see you in the comments.
Here’s what I snagged this week.