Ancient Mars was covered in ice sheets, not flowing rivers. Back to the drawing board, folks!

ancient mars ice sheets rivers

Whelp, time to rethink what we knew about the “warm and wet ancient Mars” hypothesis, my friends. A recent study has found that the Red Planet was covered in ice sheets, not flowing rivers.

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SpaceX has successfully returned NASA astronauts to Earth, completing first Crew Dragon passenger flight!

spacex astronauts return to earth

Friends! Friends. Today, SpaceX successfully returned NASA astronauts to Earth! Fuck yes! It’s true, Elon Musk fucking sucks. I know this! I know this. But, there’s a lot of other talented rad folk at SpaceX, and I’m glad they’re crushing it.

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‘Cowboy Bebop’ soundtrack is coming to vinyl this September. 3, 2, 1, let’s hipster!

cowboy bebop soundtrack vinyl

Fucking hipster anime nerds! Listen up! The Cowboy Bebop soundtrack is coming to vinyl this fall! I know I’m talking shit, teasing, you know. But, I would totally be snagging this if I had a record player.

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So These Are Comic Books (7.29.2020) – Drink The Pulp, Embrace The Grit

so these are comic books - july 29

Dick-lords and glorious babes of any self-identified gender, welcome to another edition of So These Are Comic Books! When I kicked off this comics column again, I should have known it wouldn’t be easy! Between time-constraints and a wild ignorance of the market, it’s sort of hard to know what’s going on. That said, my “time-constraints” right now are really just getting high and playing Ghost of Tsushima, or some shit. And if I’m being honest? The ignorance can burn off like a fog if I dedicate myself to actually reading about comic books. What. A. Fucking. Idea!

Seriously though, it’s as intimidating as fuck getting back into the game. I really, truly only recognize names from like, five years ago. A fact you’ll quickly pick-up if you read this column! But, maybe you got better things to do. Fingering your ass (a worthy activity), reading your own comic book purchases (a worthy activity), or compulsively reading COVID vaccine news (not a worthy activity, believe me).

That said, I fucking hope you’re here, friends! As well, fuck it, finger your ass while reading this column. Why not? Life’s short, your ass is a playground.

With that in mind, push pointer finger on prostate (or, if you don’t got one of those, just root around!) and get ready for what I’m snagging this week! Then, why don’t you mosey down into the comments section and let me know what other titles are worth snagging and/or your preferred anal play of choice.

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Weekend Open Bar: The Return of (Blood)Sports!

weekend open the return of bloodsports

Oh golly gee, friends! I gotta confess, I’m hammer this out right after writing this week’s comic books column! Which means my already bedraggled, fucking pathetic attention span is deep-fried! Really just absolutely sent to the fucking moon! But, if I don’t turn on the lights, tap the keg, and unlock the door, who will? Fucking no one! And fuck, dude! I want to hang out with you pig-sniffers, which means I really have no choice.

Thus, I’m gonna keep this son of a bitch short, sweet, and poorly edited. Let’s dance the Dance of Relaxation together this weekend, my friend! Tell me, you playing anything gripping? You eating anything gripping? You gripping anything exciting? Really just sort of tugging back and forth? I’m interested in all the details, the nitty-gritty. Let me be your confidant,. no one else will know. Save for, you know, anyone and everyone who comes across this column.

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‘Halo Infinite’ multiplayer gonna be free-to-play according to leak. Yeah, still not interested! But nice.

halo infinite multiplayer free to play

Interesting, motherfuckers! According to a leak, Halo Infinite going to sport a free-to-play multiplayer. Makes sense, though. Seems to be the trajectory of all multiplayer FPS titles these days.

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‘Splinter Cell’ animated series coming to Netflix courtesy of the ‘John Wick’ writer. Oh, okay? Um, word.

splinter cell animated series john wick writer

There’s a Splinter Cell animated series coming to Netflix, folks! Interesting. As well, the fucker is coming courtesy of John Wick writer Derek Kolstad. Um, sure! Not the sort of news I was expecting, but what the fuck can we really expect anymore?

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Strange, giant-ass cloud reappears on Mars. Let’s go, baby!

mars strange cloud reappears

Since 2009, the European Space Agency’s Mars Express and other spacecrafts of its ilk have been following a strange cloud on Mars. Now, it seems the motherfucker has reappeared! It popped up again on July 17 and July 19, and the son of a bitch measures 1,800 kilometers in length.

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The Remarkable Success of the GTA V Casino Update Shows Rockstar Knows its Player Base

The opening trailer for the recent Playstation 5 reveal caused a brief flicker of excitement as the Rockstar logo appeared; finally, surely this is it, a new Grand Theft Auto game to welcome in the next-generation? Excitement quickly turned to apathy and disappointment amongst many expectant fans as it became apparent that Grand Theft Auto V, first released in 2013 on PS3, was receiving yet another remaster for a next-gen console. Grand Theft Auto Online continues to be a cash cow for Rockstar which they simply won’t stop milking, but how can its enduring popularity be explained?

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‘Metal Gear Solid V’ finally achieves nuclear disarmament after five-years. At least it’s happening fucking somewhere!

I say, goddamn. Talk about the long game. After five-years, Metal Gear Solid V has achieved nuclear disarmament which triggered a secret cutscene. Shit was done on the PS3, whose player base has dwindled to the point of making it possible. However, still fucking impressive.

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