We begin to debate whether or not our hand mastery of our own dongs would carryover to providing such hand relief for other gentleman. Then we transition into our own capacity for providing dong-based oral pleasure. You know, just to take it a step further.
Clive Barker is undeniably the fucking best, dudes. And so it is with a stellar, promising boner that I convey this news. His six-volume series of short horror stories is being adapted into a movie for Hulu. Wait, it gets better! Motherfucker is arriving October 7.
I have just enough to do during this summer quasi-break to be stoked for the weekends. Ya know? Just enough stress to compel me to look forward to Friday evening. Plus, you know. It’s an opportunity to hang with my wife, and my husband, and eat a truckload of preposterously unhealthy food. As well, I get to spend some time with you motherfuckers. Here, at the Weekend Open Bar! The one-stop shop for buffoonery and camaraderie every weekend.
It’s shaping up to be a good weekend for me. Weather setting the tone. The heat wave’s finally breaking here, and good god, I can open my windows. Get some of that late-summer air wafting in. Reminding me that the descent into Autumn has thankfully begun, while being warm enough to not nip out. I must confess, it’s one of my favorite times of the year. I hope you’re appreciating it as much as me! If not, well, I hope you’re at least tolerating it.
Venus has a planet-scale wave poisonous wave of clouds ripping across its surface! The cosmos is fucking metal!
Venus ain’t exactly hospitable. We’ve known that for a hot minute. That latest confirmation that it’s a real son of a bitch? Astronomers have found a plant-scale wave of poisonous clouds which sweeps across its surface every few days.
‘Control’ AWE Expansion Trailer: Alan Wake is back. He’s really back. I could cry paranormal fucking tears!
Most of us Control stans thought that Remedy’s other star Alan Wake would be returning in the title’s second DLC. I mean, he’s referenced in Control. As well, the DLC’s title? AWE. Well folks, my boner is out! ‘Cause the trailer for AWE confirms it. I’m an absolute fucking honk for Alan Wake, and I’ve been yearning for a sequel for years. While this ain’t exactly that, it’s more than enough to fill my cup.
Official: Rocksteady is making a ‘Suicide Squad’ game where you hunt Superman, apparently. More details on August 22!
Rocksteady is going to let us hunt god! Or, at least hunt Superman and maybe the Justice League! The developer has officially revealed their Suicide Squad game and promised more details on August 22!
Horror movie ‘Antebellum’ skipping theaters and hitting VOD in September. Equal parts sucky and rad, no?
Antebellum is skipping theaters, folks! Yup, the horror movie is hitting VOD on September 18. I’ll level wit ya. I can’t help but feel bad for those involved with movies seeing their theater releases getting nixed for VOD. At the same time? I’m fucking stoked I get to see a movie like Antebellum, which I’ve been sweating.
‘John Wick 5’ confirmed and is shooting back-to-back with fourth ‘Wick’ movie. Gimme a hell fucking yes!
Hey-o, bitches! John Wick 5 is confirmed, and it’s shooting back-to-back with John Wick 4! This is tremendously awesome news for me, as someone who hopes for a Wick movie every couple of years.
FUCK your curse and FUCK your elite, Dead Cells. The One Pixel Kid comin’ through. He’s giving no fucks and taking no hits.
Mamma-fucking-mia, dudes. Nintendo’s profits have increased over 400 percent the past three so or months. Absolutely everybody in the fucking world spending the pandemic in Animal Crossing or some shit.