#So These Are Comic Books
Aw shit, motherfuckers! Flick the lights back on, and flick your bean, I’m back! You see what that is? A little mania to spice up the fact that my bi-polar ass took some time off from this column! A little sleight of hand that I’ve revealed, by acknowledging my sleight of hand! Anyways, I’m freshly back from the comic shop! Where I snagged a couple comics, lamented the selling out of a couple comics, and generally enjoyed my Saturday jaunt.
I gotta say, comic books are a real great litmus test for my mental health. As a dude with anxiety, the prospect of trying to find sold out issues, catch-up on titles I’m interested in but have been running for a couple of years can really serve as a gauge for how I’m doing. Am I overwhelmed by the situation? Whelp, it’s that time of year where Ian is eating too much pizza, drinking too many energy drinks, and vibrating in sadness. Am I invigorated by this new world to explore? Whelp, it’s that time of year where Ian is working out, drinking water, and vibrating in happiness.
Where am I write now? Somewhere in-between! And I hope to find you full-hogged, flush-cheeked, and excited to Dance The Dance De La Comic Book with me!
So These Are Comic Books, baby!
My balls just fucking stank this summer, man. Granted, it’s warm out! And granted, they usually stank after I’ve spent an hour or so working out. But, man! They’re not a good scene. Not a good scene, at all. And it was with those stank-ass balls that I hit up the comic book store today. That’s how committed I am to the cause, my dudes. Oh, I’m two-days late to the cause? The cause of writing a weekly comic books column? Fair enough! However, I’d be even more late if I didn’t pack my perpetually lower dangling testicles into my swampy Honda Civic, and drive my ass to the shop today. So be fucking grateful! Or institute some sort of crystal-powered Smell-O-Vision in this column!
Anyways! It’s a bit of a quiet week on the comic book front. Admittedly, there’s only one new comic book I snagged. The second recommendation is a title I picked-up last week and dug! And finally? The third recommendation is a title that dropped this week, but I absolutely cannot fucking find the first three issues.
With all of that in mind, let’s Dance the Dance! So These Are Comic Books! Hit me up in the comments section with everything I’m fucking missing this week. I know, I know I’m goofing up. Mind you, be kind! Cause I got a set of testicles with your upper-lip in mind, should you act the fucking fool!
Back on that comic grind, back on that comic grind! Mamma mia, can I really keep up this column, So These Are Comic Books? It seems that way! But Ian, let’s not start sucking our dick already. I mean, right? Four weeks ain’t a solid commitment, and my dick ain’t anywhere near my lips. Fucking mediocre dong. Fucking inflexible ass. Still though, it’s a nice avenue for blabbering, blathering, and overall venting of my textual diarrhea. Gotta empty the ass, or the ass chakra gets too full. Begins backing-up. Flooding into the body. Causing delirium. Need them chakras clear. Need them chakras clean. If not, can I truly ascend the Astral Ladder on a Friday evening?
— and by that, I mean, get adequately high and watch horror movies? No way! No Jose!
None the less, enough about my ass. This is a comic books column, and let’s just stay the course. Whatever the fuck that course is, was, or will be. You know? Oh, you know!
Maybe, maybe I’m just stalling. ‘Cause I’m in a bit of a pickle here, this week. I’m at the stage in the comic book game where I’m struggling to piece together a pull-list. Meanwhile, I’m finding myself with an odd collection of installments in the comics worth checking out. You know how it goes. You hear about a comic book four-issues in. You saddle up to the comic book store’s wall of choice. Then you find that they have like, issues #1 and #3 of one comic series you’re interested in. As well, they got like issues #2 and #4 of another. And what the fuck are you left with? A patchwork of comics that seem interesting, but you can’t dive into yet.
Of all the things I missed about comics, I certainly didn’t miss the unpredictability of what is stocked, or the frustration at not being able to find a title you want. It really fucking ground my gears last week, when the comic shop didn’t have Strange Adventures #4. Ain’t no fault of the owner, dude is solid as fuck. Rather, it’s DC going alone on their own distribution, shorting the shop, and I didn’t get my sub request in on time.
Fuck me! Fuck me sideways and cram it in my ass.
Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I’m really in-between recommendations this week. At least, as far as shit that dropped on the Scared Wednesday. But, I got a couple of things that caught my eye, and one glorious gift from Johnny Hotsauce himself.
Per usual, help me thicken, help my pull-list throb in the comments section.
Okay friends, fuck me sideways. You know what the hardest part about getting back into comic books is? Fucking catching-up! Like, the land has begun to reveal itself to me at this point. The swollen tempests of textual glory. The rolling hills of narrative bliss. The throbbing membranes through which to pass, emerging into a world of entertainment. But holy fucking moly, is this mixed-metaphor world of glory overwhelming. You know? It’s one thing to identify everything I should be reading. Surprisingly, that shit is proving rather easy. However, the real tug on the titty-clamp is purchasing and then consuming all of these worthwhile endeavors.
“This is supposed to be fun” I just bemoaned to my wife.
She looked me dead in the eyes and said “You know how many times I’ve wanted to say that to you?”
Okay, she didn’t say it. But, I don’t blame me if she’s thought it over the years. At my core I’m a pudgy dude with a slug for a pud.
So these are comic books! And they’re fucking rad. But Christ if I ain’t playing catch-up right now. Thankfully, I don’t have many on my plate for purchase this week. Which means after I finally, finally polish off The Stand, I’m just going to get cranking. Like, not cranking like you’d imagine me cranking. By the way, it’s odd that you’re picturing me cranking. Though, I’m sort of honored. I hope I’m shirtless in your mind. Wearing pink crocs. Fuck it, whatever. Picture me however you want.
What I mean by cranking, is cranking in the sense that I’m going to turn my ADD-powered non-focus on my currently compiling backlog.
In the meantime, here is what I’m snagging this week. It ain’t much, and lord knows I’m probably missing some dope shit. So hit me up in the comments with your own Snags of the Week. Or, if you’d prefer, how you picture me cranking. Ideally wearing pink crocs.
Dick-lords and glorious babes of any self-identified gender, welcome to another edition of So These Are Comic Books! When I kicked off this comics column again, I should have known it wouldn’t be easy! Between time-constraints and a wild ignorance of the market, it’s sort of hard to know what’s going on. That said, my “time-constraints” right now are really just getting high and playing Ghost of Tsushima, or some shit. And if I’m being honest? The ignorance can burn off like a fog if I dedicate myself to actually reading about comic books. What. A. Fucking. Idea!
Seriously though, it’s as intimidating as fuck getting back into the game. I really, truly only recognize names from like, five years ago. A fact you’ll quickly pick-up if you read this column! But, maybe you got better things to do. Fingering your ass (a worthy activity), reading your own comic book purchases (a worthy activity), or compulsively reading COVID vaccine news (not a worthy activity, believe me).
That said, I fucking hope you’re here, friends! As well, fuck it, finger your ass while reading this column. Why not? Life’s short, your ass is a playground.
With that in mind, push pointer finger on prostate (or, if you don’t got one of those, just root around!) and get ready for what I’m snagging this week! Then, why don’t you mosey down into the comments section and let me know what other titles are worth snagging and/or your preferred anal play of choice.
Jesus fucking Christ, friends! Is it really happening? Have I emerged from the mucus-covered womb of Oblivion? To resurrect the comic book column? Well, powder my scrotum and call me your baby boy! I have. I have! It’s been over four fucking years since I last babbled incoherently about the funny books! The sequential sweethearts! And in that time? Darkness! A pall over my comic book life. Like, no, seriously. I stepped foot in a comic book store for the first time in forever yesterday.
It was a glorious moment, not unlike Superman coming out of his Tomb-Thing, with a rich mullet and a black costume. At the same time? I have fucking no idea what’s going on in the world! Like, at all. So, that’s why I have CLEVERLY rebranded this column, to celebrate my reentry into this glorious world. So These Are Comic Books! Get it? No? Yes? Fuck you!
Seriously though, I need you fuckers to participate in this weekly New Comic Book Day column! Now, more than ever. ‘Cause let me tell you, I’m fucking clueless about the world these days.
Per usual, I’ll go first! But I hope to see you in the comments.
Here’s what I snagged this week.
How many narratives can you fit into your skull, concurrently? How many narratives can you ingest whole hog, before the sheer volume of whole hog-narratives begin to compromise your enjoyment of each one of those narratives, individually? It’s something I struggle with, if no one else does, on a daily basis. The amount of comic books that drop on a given week worth reading, just the ones you know about, are aware of, is staggering. Then combine those titles with an entire month’s. Then combine those an entire year’s. Then combine those with all the movies you watch, games you play, television you ingest. Narratives upon characters upon tropes upon motifs upon subtexts, forever and ever, twisting and writhing in on themselves until they’re one anxiety-inducing pastiche of memorable immemorable moments. Granted, that’s if you, like me, place value on doing something other than simply ingesting. If you dare yourself to pause, if you dare yourself to find the time to pause, and reflect upon what you’re consuming. Slamming shut the consumer-gullet for but a moment and attempting to dig your fingernails into the meat of the mess.
What does this have to do with comics? Comic books present the clearest ideation of this problem for me. Week after week, what should be enjoyment, presents itself as an onslaught. Eat all these narratives, Ian. Mash them in mouth, swallow them whole, then try and find the will to remember the story lines and the energy to poke around at the edges of the comic books’ themes, ideas, et cetera.
What’s the alternative? Read less, more. I suppose. But even then, the gnawing sensation that I’m missing gets me. What’s the alternative to the alternative? Consume wildly, recklessly, not pausing to appreciate, but rather viewing the Stack as something to be conquered.
All of this is to say I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the Comic Book World, but hey. I’m here.
This is Buy These Flippin’ Comics!!!. The (theoretically) weekly column where I list what I intend to purchase on a New Comic Book Day. Provided my anxiety can be contained, that my medicated moat staves off the Enormity of It All. Per usual, hit up the comments section with your own purchases. My list is by no means all-encompassing, or reflective of a “Best Of TheWeek”, but rather the titles I’ve stumbled across. TL;DR if this list sucks, please help me by pointing out what I missed.
Don’t know what dropped this week? Here’s the list.
Eh! What a fucking stupid article title. But here we are, here we are. No time for being clever when a column is three days late. No time for pretending to be clever, when you’re actually not clever. Buy These Flippin’ Comics! The weekly injection of my poor taste, my poor writing, my poor self into your comic book buying diet! ##SelfFlagellation. Missed a week. Then stuttered three days. But I haven’t been completely idle, oh, no! I haven’t. In fact, most of my free time lately has been spent mainlining comic books. Stumbling around, freshly woken from my comic books slumber. A year’s worth of comic books unread is hard to rally back from. Stumbling around, frosted Pepsi Max biscuits hanging from my beard. Reading title after title after title, crossing out the backlog of some of my favorite series. Stumbling around, feeling the walls, trying to grow accustomed to the comic book world as it is.
It feels good, man. Awash in the world of sequential artwork.
It feels overwhelming, man. Awash in the backlog of the world of sequential artwork.
It’s Wednesday. Which means its time for another installment of Buy These Flippin’ Comics. Look at this shit, two weeks in a row. Buckle up. I’m about to blow hard my blow hole about some comic news that blows, and also some about comic books that will hopefully blow me away.
I hope you’ll join me in the comments section, recommending your own picks for the week, supplementing my poor taste, taking it easy on my rot-skulled opinions.
Don’t know what’s dropping? Check out this week’s releases here.
Buy These Flippin’ Comics!!! A couple of weeks ago, one of OL’s longest supporters on Facebook was like, dudes, where the shit is the weekly comic book column. Turns out it’s a great question, Sarah!
I didn’t think it had been that long since we had one.
It had been a year.
I didn’t think it had been that long since I had been writing it, personally.
It had been four years.
My departure, not surprisingly, is connected to the time of my life when I finished graduate school, got engaged, bought a house, got a dog, and started working fifty+ hours a week.
That’s the truth, man. That’s the goddamn truth, man.