#Monday Morning Commute
Oh, we in the fucking Teeth of it now, friends.
At least here in the Northeast, and other sundry places currently eating Winter’s Shit. The teeth, you ask? The teeth, I shall explain. We have entered that interminable period after the holidays where it’s all snow, slush, and gloom. There are no holidays to look forward to. And while the days are getting longer once again, it’s hard to appreciate when it’s -13 with the fucking windchill.
Oh, we in the fucking Teeth of it now, friends.
But, at least we have our frivolities, right? And, isn’t that what Monday Morning Commute is all about? Sharing the frivolities we’re looking forward to on a given week, to get us through the grind?
It is, indeed!
I’ll go first.
The title is some shitty pun on the fact that we got too far to go this Winter, my dudes. Yeah, fuck me with a sideways plank, it’s brutal. But, what do you want out of me? I like Fargo, and I hate the Winter, and I’m just doing my best!
And man, do I fucking hate Winter. I used to stunt and pretend I enjoyed it. Alas, that fucking period has passed. Sure, sure, I enjoy the crisp air. And if the planet stopped melting for a moment to provide the Northeast with some snow, I’d enjoy too. But, what are the Lords currently offering me? Miserable, raw-ass rainy days and darkened evenings.
Anyways, how the fuck you doing? Me? I’m still in this liminal state between semesters. Where theoretically I’m on campus tutoring for the Winter session. However in reality? I’m staring at asses on Tumblr and writing up this wonderful little column.
It could be much, much worse, I admit. Plus, holy jizz cannoli, do I have a lot of things I’m currently enjoying.
Come, come. Follow my over-caffeinated, hunched ass into the dungeon. Check out what I’m sweating this week. Then, oh I implore you, let me know what you’re looking forward to over the next seven slivers of existence.
This is Monday Morning Commute!
As a headcase, a verifiable neurotic, a society-dwelling maniac, I often have mixed feelings about New Year’s Eve. Add to the fact that my life has thrown me some real curveballs over the last few years, and, well, I don’t necessarily always look forward to this evening.
There have been New Year’s Eves that I’ve felt absolutely breathless. I’ve watched that ball drop while struggling to not keel over, counting down while remaining unenthusiastic about walking the road in front of me. There have been New Year’s Eves where I’ve felt ravaged by the previous twelve months, like a sailor aboard the Pequod starting to understand the captain as madness incarnate. There have been New Year’s Eves where I’ve felt existentially disheveled, like a time traveler regaining consciousness only to realize that he’d hit a couple of extra buttons before launch.
I don’t exactly feel any of this right now.
Today, in this moment, I’ve got my breath – it’s slow and deep and thoughtful, and the cool air feels great on my hot lungs. The road in front of me, well, I have to admit that I can’t see too much of it at all. But what I can see looks inviting, or, at the very least, it doesn’t look too foreboding. I still feel like a sailor aboard the Pequod, but I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m on this goddamn voyage — there’s no wishing it away — so I’m going to do my best to help my fellow crewmates when the elements try to kill us or when that incorrigible captain thrusts us into danger, and I’m not going to forget about the simple pleasures of the saltwater breeze or the sunbeam precipitation. And, of course, I still feel like a time traveler, but as I look around I take solace in the fact that the lot of us, every single one of us who cruised at a time-speed of 365 days per Year, we’re all dusting off our trousers and exclaiming “That was wild!”
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I have no fucking clue what my life will be like next NYE. I have some guesses, but I’m not a gambling man so I’ll just keep them to myself. Instead, I’d like to offer my sincere hopes that you find the next year full of the good health, the great experiences, and the transcendent love that makes this thing called life worth it.
“Live long and prosper.”
Welcome to this year’s final MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!
When I’m at the helm of the MMC, it normally consists of me presenting some half-baked science fiction and then explaining what stuff I’ll be checking out in the next year.
But since the year ends today, I’m feeling reflective and speculative. So, now that you’ve slogged through my half-baked reflection, let’s think about what’s to come next — it could be for this upcoming week, month, or year.
Y’ever celebrate Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Boxing Day? Kwanzaa?
I’m bettin’ y’have, Dirt-Foot.
But what about Saturnalia? Y’ever get blasted on wine and orgy-bang until swollen and then check out a human sacrifice?
`Less I’m gettin’ y’ears through a time-tunnel, chances’re that y’never bowed before Saturn.
That, said, let’s s’pose y’actually have celebrated Saturnalia – where’d’y’do it? Poor folks, likely in a hovel w’rats scurryin’ in’n’out? Moneybags ‘mongst’ya, in th’actual Temple of Saturn?
That’s purdy cool.
But me? Where’m I celebratin’ Saturnalia this year? What’d’y’say if I told’y’that my mission brought me to Space Station Cronus, and I’m orbitin’ the sixth planet from the sun? What’d’y’say if I told y’that the boys already been loadin’ up on cheap terra-wine? What’d’y’say if I told y’that everyone chipped in to get a live-stream of the day’s NFL games and we’re aimin’ to gamble our ways into fortune? What’d’y’say if I told y’that we convinced Doc to order them good prescription horny-pills and we’re aimin’ to stink up the joint as we slide against each other?
What’d’y’say if I told you that even in the future the parties of the past prevail?
Well, if I was you – well, goddamn, I’d say “Happy Saturnalia, y’old son of a bitch!”
Welcome to the holiday edition of MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!
Now that you’ve read some of my sci-fi nonsense, it’s time to discuss what we’re all doing this week! Let’s share strategies for having a good (Yule) time!
“Runfer, what hell should we do? Runfer?!”
“Sorry, Harry! Goddamn crystal fragments in my eyes…gimme a readin’!”
“The lights’re blinkin’ red to blue to yellow.”
“Y’know what red to blue to yellow means?”
“Yeah, it means we’re down to two engines.”
“Right. And y’know what that means?”
“Other than the obvious?”
“It means that if we don’t muster up some serious elbow grease, there’s gonna be some serious blood on our hands.”
Runfer never thought he’d want to return to the job. Hell, who could blame him? Overseeing the engine room of Starforce One is a thankless nightmare. Everything’s perfect? No one notices. Anything’s wrong? Everyone notices.
And a situation like this? Engines blowing out? Smoke billowing all about? The very real possibility that the uncaring vacuum will tear the ship asunder?
The prospect is enough to prevent most men from ever even thinking about applying.
But Runfer wasn’t most men. He’d already retired. Twice. He’d already paid his dues, already done his duty, already decided he’d spend the rest of his days on a pleasure planet, getting rubdowns from his mistress. And nobody could’ve said shit.
So when Central Command called Runfer, desperate to replace the so-called prodigy whose chest pains got him medical’d less than a year into the gig, no one who knew him was surprised when he picked up the phone. And no one who’d worked with him was surprised when he was back aboard Starforce One the very next day.
`Cause some men will tell you that they just want to relax. They’ll jabber on about sleeping in late and drinking cocktails. They’ll declare fealty to Lord Relaxation. But when told there’re going to be fires to be put out and danger to run into, these goddamn maniacs lace up their boots and make room in their lungs for the smoke.
Two engines down, crystal shards cutting up his eyelids, and toxic fumes bathing over him, Runfer smiled the incorrigible smile of a goddamn maniac.
Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!
First, I toss a bit of drivel-fiction at you. Then, I show off what I’ll be doing throughout the week. Lastly, you hit up the comments section and share what you’ll be doing to survive the workweek.
You’ve either done this before or you’ll catch on quick — LET’S ROCK!
Hey friends! This begins one of my favorite stretches of the year. The Earth may be dark, yes. But, I’m spending this time of year blessedly sharing cozy rooms with too many calories, and loved ones. And, y’all are some of those loved ones as well! If the Space-Ship Omega is a small community, it’s certainly one that I count myself lucky to belong to. So, saddle-up next to the fire, and spend some time with me this week.
Here, at the Monday Morning Commute!
Tell me, what are you doing for Thanksgiving break?
Are you hitting the movies at all?
Using some (hopeful) time off to catch-up on some video games?
I want to know! I want to spend some time. The Earth is dark but the fire is warm, let’s hang out.
Man, there ain’t no fucking sun in the sky lately. And man, there ain’t no fucking warmth in the air. But, there sure are a lot of fucking papers to grade, a lot of classes to teach, and a lot of obligations to meet. Ah, ah yes. Why, it must be that time of the year. What time, you ask? Why, the time of the year where I feel ground down into a chunky paste, and slathered across the corporeal plane. However, I do not have the time to cease! Cause there’s so much goddamn wood to chop before I sleep for the semester.
How am I going to make it?
Why, by leaning on the various frivolities that bring me happiness. And, I’m wanting to tell you of the specific frivolities I’m enjoying this week! Do you want to hear, fair members of the Space-Ship Omega? I certainly fucking hope so!
How am I going to make it, also?
Why, by listening to the various frivolities you are enjoying this week! Please, I implore you. Meet me in the comments section, and let’s spend time time!
This is Monday Morning Commute.
Hey, fuckers! I’m here! I’m here. I promise, I’m here. Quickly penning a Monday Morning Commute before I have to lay down the facts in front of students in my 2pm class. These facts? That if they don’t pass in their papers, they’ll fail. Self-evident facts, but hey. The mind boggles at how many self-evident facts fail to resonate in the skull-pipes of the average folk.
Anyways, anyways. I’m a bit off topic. This here is Monday Morning Commute. The column that I post every week. Herein, you’ll find the various games, movies, sporting events, and other miscellany that I’m either enjoying or anticipating in order to get me through a given week. In particular, I’m about to list off all the things I’m enjoying, in an effort to forget that fucking fifty-percent of my students didn’t do their fourth paper.
Please join me in the comments section!
Yeehaw, motherfuckers! It’s another edition of Monday Morning Commute. Oh, you know! The column where I wank-off over what is titillating me on a given week. I’ll level with all you varmints! I’m attempting to churn this big ole pig out before teaching my 2pm class! Thus, if I’m hitting the column with some alacrity, it’s because I’d rather be terse than absent.
Let’s hang out in the comments, after I drop my list on ya’lls asses.
Hey, folks! What’s going on? It’s Monday? Again? That soon? Well, time don’t stop! And neither shall we! Until, of course, we do stop. The lightning, the electricity done. The metaphysical whatever-whatever either not existing, or taking over. Man, this got away from me quickly. Where was I? Oh yeah! It’s time for Monday Morning Commute. The weekly wank-off where we all gather, sharing what is getting us through yet another week on the Blue Marble.
What are you fucks up to this week, as you suck air? What are you folks looking forward to this week, as your synapses still sizzle?
I wanna know!