New Steam Controller design features d-pad. Scaleback++


Once upon a time, Valve dreamed big with their Steam Controller’s design. But now it appears they continue to scale back their flights of fancy in lieu of something more conventional. Me? I suppose I don’t mind.

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‘Saints Row’ creative director peacing out for Valve

saints row iv

Saints Row is losing its creative director. Irreverent, offensive, Smartest Dumb Game In The Room. Saints Row is like me in video game form. And I imagine a lot of the game’s vibe is due to Jaros, the aforementioned director.

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Valve’s crazy Steambox controller is getting pretty vanilla

Steambox Controller

When Valve first revealed their controller for the Steam Hot Bot Your PC Games Console (and other sundry uses), it was a pretty fucking odd device. Such unconventional. Much out-of-box. But as time has progressed, the controller has become more and more homogenized into standard gaming fare. Case-in-point. The latest iteration of the fucker has gained a thumbstick.

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GO FIGURE: Valve’s VR headset has “Oculus Rift-like” features

Valve's VR thing.

Go fucking figure!, Valve’s VR headset has features that are similar to the Oculus Rift. Like, it covers your entire head, and feature virtual reality environments. Yeah I don’t even know why I’m posting about this. But! I favorited it in my Feedly, so it has to be for some reason! Maybe my alter ego, Xavier Thunderkick, favorited it while I was in some fugue state.

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Oculus adds former VALVE VR ENGINEER to staff. Poaching get?


I’m just imbuing this story with all sorts of things that aren’t true. Probably. Probably made-up. Like this dude who has left Valve for Oculus was totally poached from The Gabe Company. Top secret dinners. Libations and young sacrifices promised. He signed with Oculus in blood, as John Carmack stood in the corner jerking off over an original printing of Atlas Shrugged. That’s what I envision. ‘Cause if I don’t, it’s just moar “blah blah VR is wonderful, blah blah” rhetoric.

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Notch was like NAH, TURNED DOWN JOB AT VALVE to make ‘Minecraft.’


Notch has got himself quite the life. Not that he ain’t earned it. How many people can look down the barrel of a job at Valve. Decline. Then turn around and pump out one of gaming’s cultural phenomenons?

At least one.

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Piixl Jetpack is a STRAP-ON SteamOS PC for the BACK OF YOUR TV.

Piixl Jetpack.

Had me at strap-on! Had me at strap-on. Easy, right? Predictable, right? Eh, what can you do. Anyways these Piixl Jetpack folks have devised a SteamOS PC that you can rig up to hug the back of your TV. It’ll smooch your television set’s neck lovingly, telling it all the gaming power it is bringing to its electronic gape.

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Valve Engineer invented BUTT and TONGUE game controllers. You freaky, brah.

Literal butt play.

Now this I can get behind! (Is that a pun in this context?) A Valve engineer who goes by the name of Ben Krasnow has revealed two controllers he created in his spare time. I say “goes by the name” because this gentleman is obviously a Skrull obsessed with butts. And tongues. Just trust me. Them green fuckers are always doing things like this. Butt experiments. Tongue exercises. Trust me. Trust me. Anyways, Skrull-Ben has invented these controllers and now he’s showing them to the world.

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Gabe says yus.

Here is a glimpse of Valve’s Steam Box. Often heard about in whispers, its name repeated somewhat erotically during a steamy shower, now we can see clear its corpus.

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It appears that some sort of malicious douchebag planted that Half-Life 3 trademark application over in Europa or whatever. God dammit.

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