VALVE trademarks ‘HALF-LIFE 3’ in Europe. DON’T TEASE ME, BRO.


Probably a nothing story, but I’ll take any chance to jam a crowbar in my ass and speculate about Half-Life 3. You know, that game. The one we’ve all been waiting for since…2004? Valve has trademarked the son of a bitch in Europe. Which could mean nothing. But leave me alone, I need this.

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Man! Fuck that earlier post. Yeah, I’m a slow ass motherfucker these days. So, Valve has revealed the Steam Box. The Steam Machine. The Steam Boxing Machine. You in, bro? Brodette?

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Nice: VALVE distributing STEAM BOX prototypes within next 3-4 months.

Steambox. Thing.

As much as I am jazzed about the PlayTogether Four and the Xbox 720 Degrees of Xtreme, I find the Steam Box interesting as fuck. It seems as though it is going to offer a lot more versatility, and all the walled in garden bullshit of the consoles. I could be completely wrong. None the less, with Valve pumping out prototypes within the next few months, it seems that Gabe et al are going to challenge my wallet to a staring match. Sooner, rather than later.

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Press Start: Cave exploring on digital acid

Hello friends, and welcome to another edition of Press Start! For the uninitiated: this is a gathering of stories from the world of video games. I try to pick amusing, or over-looked stories that you perhaps haven’t managed to read because you were so overwhelmed by the amount of map pack release announcements or touching human interest stories about daddy and son waiting in line to pick up their Wii U. It’s enough to make a man sick, isn’t it?

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Press Start: Nintendo Hamburger Hangover

Nintendo are keen on poking the bear this week. For the purposes of this metaphor I shall be playing the bear and the poking stick is represented by the recent glut of Wii U announcements. They’re poking me into a fevered state where I suddenly find myself compelled to pre-order a brand new console and then feel dirty about it afterwards. I have some genuine soul-searching to do.

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VALVE And ADULT SWIM Teaming Up For…Stuff. Probably Amusing Stuff.

Adult Swim and Valve! It’s a union forged in places where unions I don’t expect are forged. Whatever could they be dropping? A Team Fortress 2 short? Something? Such?

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GABE NEWELL: Valve & Apple Meeting DIDN’T HAPPEN. Wink. Wink.

Gabe Newell wants to squish all those Valve and Apple meeting in the darkness of daylight rumors. He wants to press his titanic ass cheeks right up against those rumors and vaporize them with the death air that has been trapped in his buttocks for nearly a decade.

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Rumor: APPLE Working On Games Console; VALVE Involved

We have reached the crossroads of Valve and Apple gaming console rumors. At this intersection, the two separate entities slam together, fusing into the monolithic Apple-Valve-Fucking-Console. A console made for fucking your entertainment center and forcing you to buy a larger one. You know, should it prove true.

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VALVE Job Listing Points To Plans For New ‘Gaming Experiences’. Teledildonics, I Bet.

Valve is totally, they swear to Jehovah, not working on a console. They’re not. So just disregard these job listings.

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Valve: We’re NOT Making A CONSOLE Anytime Soon. Internet: YEAH OKAY

Valve. They got themselves a bit of the fun as fuck Obi-Wan action going on. Marketing director  Doug Lombardi has come down on the rampant rumoring that the company is preparing to unleash the Gabeatron Steam Box (my sources have confirmed this will be the name) soon.

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