Listen, Skyrim. I need your fucking DLC yesterday. Here’s hoping these files that were dredged up are confirmation that you’re coming soon. Otherwise I’m going to stab you with ice-hardened tits.

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Are you excited for The Wolverine? Yeah, me neither! Regardless, it is advancing into reality. Day after day, it inches closer to penetrating the thin membrane between Imagined and Consummated. When the pig finally hits the screens, establishing existence in our dimension, it’ll have really groovy shots filmed in Japan.

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Black Cat is going to be all up in the Amazing Spider-Man  video game and it appears the creators have learned from Arkham City. Slap a babe in some latex and watch as dorks like me suffer the dribbly-tip. Also, this dame is way hotter than either MJ or  Gwen Stacy. Hit it Parker, hit it furiously.

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I haven’t watched much of Archer, enjoying what little I have caught. It’s ridiculous, and well…I mean, c’mon. This shit hole is nothing if not an effort in an absurdity. So kudos to these chaps for bringing some Archer  heat, and of course double-kudos for the cute women involved. ‘Cause let’s be honest, that’s the staple of my consistent cosplay boner.

Hit the jump for more pics.

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The trailer for Judd Apatow’s sort-of sequel to Knocked Up  has dropped and it’s pretty meh. Pretty fucking easy jokes about hitting the midlife, peppered in with some occasional amusement. I’m hoping the Red Band trailer will hold the genuine funnies.

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Ha! I knew that everyone who mocked me for taking Latin back in the day was wrong. Dead language, my ass! All I need to do is take a trip to the throbbing crotch center of Catholic power to wield my Latin as I withdraw money. The same money that I will obviously be using to buy a sick replica of the Pope’s silly ass hat.

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Marvel wants you to know the villain that’ll have Miles Morales and Peter Parker joining together for one vicious Spider team. Or rather as I see it: the villain that Morales is going to have to save Parker’s dumb ass from. Mysterio! Boom!

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Akira Kurosawa’s Red Beard is a work of profound humanism, so much so that its titular character is generous enough to give center stage to those around him who really need it: the broken, the destitute, the disenchanted, and the dying. As overseer of everything in his medical facility in 19^th century Edo (now Tokyo) for its impoverished citizens, the red-bearded Dr. Kyojō Niide (Toshirō Mifune) observes what each inhabitant (staff and patients alike) requires to get better. Some need medication; others need meditation, as the past can weigh on the sick as much as present maladies. And a will to live–something that the poor could hardly fathom previously–can be more important for the less fortunate than fortuitous health. Although the events of the film undoubtedly revolve around Red Beard, it is his acquiescent disposition and charitable openness toward revolution (both narratively speaking and even in some ways subtly social) that give everyone else a chance to shine. These other characters–coming and going, improving and dying–are allotted a fair chance in the world for once; they are given liberty, which allows them to find some peace and comfort–true health, in any state.

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Chronicle  was a jointy-jam of a flicky-flick this year. It had everything you need in a movie: enjoyment, fun, special effects. Since seeing the movie I’ve been advocating for everyone involved with it to make oodles of money doing whatever they wanted. Namely movies and pornography. It seems my voiciferious nature has paid off, since the director is now doing Fantastic Four. In some capacity.

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Sony has finally dropped footage of its Super Smash Bros. equivalent, and it is all the derivation you could ever ask for. The only problem I’m having is that I give much, much, much less fuckz about the Sony brand than I do my Nintendo-powered childhood.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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