Archive for the ‘Video Games’ Category
Link x Portal Mash-Up Pisses Off Navi, Makes Her Even More Whiny
Friday, September 3rd, 2010New Batman: Arkham City Screens Feature Gratuitous Cat Cleavage. [You'll Fap.]
Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
Hell fuckin’ yeah, I’m looking forward to Arkham City. I dug the fuggin fug out of the original. Even if it lost steam and seemed to shoot its load far before the finale. Eh, what can you do? Seems to be a common problem with video games in the past year or so – I’m looking at you, Uncharted 2, and God of War III.
Today, these screens dropped, and they’re god damn gorgeous.
I’ve come to realize that Arkham Asylum/City is a haven for latex erotica. Every screen seems to be filled with some sort of rubber suiting, and gratuitous shots of tits. Must be why all of us damn perverts love it so much. Hit the jump to check out the screens. Lube up, party down!
Finally! Wii Remote Sex Toys Have Become Reality. What Took So Long?
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010
Enlarge.
Listen man! When I hit puberty while playing Star Fox 64, you know what the first thing I did was? I put the rumble pack right on my little barely-pubescent testicles and I felt the roar of stimulation. It just seemed so natural, you know? And keeping that in mind, I’ve been wondering where the fuck the Wiimote sex toys have been! Well god dammit, they’re finally here.
The world has become a better, more orgasmic place today.
Destructoid:
“The device is attached to the accessory port on a Nintendo Wii remote control,” explains manufacturer Mojowijo. “The control is then connected to a bluetooth enabled PC running Mojowijo software.
“Using Mojowijo’s patent pending Motion2Vibration technology, the device is able to transform the varying motions of the control into appropriate vibration signals and send them to another selected device – in the same room or over the internet. (Wii gaming console NOT required). Essentially turning your Wii remotes into shared, remote controlled vibrators (aka wii vibrator or wiibrator!).”
The central gimmick here is that you get to control another person’s vibrator as opposed to your own, which makes them masturbation devices for people who should just be having actual sex. Unless they’re miles apart, in which case these things work over Skype.
A good god damn! You don’t even need the Wii! Hell yeah! Welcome to the world of robotic-claw-testicle-genital-stimulation! In the future this is going to be so passe, but right now I want to you know, manipulate genitals over the internet using a Wiimote. You don’t?
Yo! Got $435? Buy This Super Mario Sweater! [For Me.]
Monday, August 30th, 2010
Yo! I know you’re sitting around wondering how you can define yourself through external expressive motions! How about by buying a really fucking expensive sweater, featuring Super Mario? Not sold, well how about if it’s through the website from the dude who created Earthbound?
Destructoid:
Shigesato Itoi, the man who created Earthbound, has an online store where he sells things that are rad. His store just released its “1st Season” catalog for 2010 and it features some really cool stuff. The most relevant to a gaming site is a really sweet wool sweater featuring Mario and Luigi.
The sweaters are 100 percent wool and made by hand. It’s all licensed and official too. Here’s the kicker, though: they cost ¥36,000 (US$435), and that isn’t even adding in whatever the shipping costs would be to get it out of Japan. I’m all for high fashion, but I’d rather just buy every Mario game ever and then find a Mario sticker and slap it on an old sweater.
Man, this shit ain’t for a nerd like me. For starters, I’m fucking poor. Also, I’m a man-child, which means within nine minutes of owning this sweater, it’d be covered in accidental salsa blasts and crumbs from a variety of things. But if you’re affluent, and chic, be a total douchebag and indulge in this sweater. Then send me pictures so I can simultaneously find you ridiculous/be fatally jealous of you.
Fallout: New Vegas Features Robot Fisting. I’m Not Kidding.
Saturday, August 28th, 2010
And a good god damn. I knew that I was going to love Fallout: New Vegas. I just didn’t realize that it was going to cater to someone as warped and depraved as myself. Like, seriously. This game is going to feature (suggestions only, unfortunately) robotic fisting? You have to be god damn kidding me.
ESRB Rating via Destructoid:
There is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot (e.g., “Fisto reporting for duty . . . Please assume the position,” “I suppose I should test you out . . . Servos active!” and “Something wrong with someone if they got to f**k a machine.”).
Fucking stupendous. I wish I could describe to you how funny I find the suggestion of getting fucked by a robot, or more properly, fisted by one. And the fact that this is being featured in a big market game makes me hopeful that someday when the world of overrun by the robot apocalypse, they shall spare a whole legion of people like me, who were way ahead of the curve on the idea of Robot-Human fluid-based interfacting.
Dragon Age II Trailer: Director’s Cut Is Exercise In Amazing
Friday, August 27th, 2010
Confession time! Despite loving BioWare and everything they produce, I haven’t played Dragon Age: Origins. I know, I fucking fail. So hard, that it makes comprehension of said failure almost impossible to grasp. That said, the recently released Director’s Cut trailer for Dragon Age II has me losing my god damn mind.
It’s got almost everything that gives me a boner in life: a bad-ass dude with a ridiculously large weapon, power metal cords, and slow-motion combat. It’s god damn amazing. I was planning on conquering Dragon Age: Origins prior to the sequel dropping, and now I’m really fighting the urge to throw aside my backlog and play the son of a bitch.
I’m losing my cool with fervor, yo! Do need.
Hit the jump for the trailer.
Gaming Geek Wunderkind Recreates Sonic’s Mushroom Hill Zone in 2.5D Sex
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
You know, if fucking Sonic 4 wasn’t announced and looking beyond super-gorgeous-time, I’d be bitter as fuck watching this video. But given the state of affairs, and that Sega may finally have gotten it, it just gives me a chubby for gaming lore, and geeks.
A dudebro who goes by the name of BlobVanDam recreated Sonic & Knuckle’s Mushroom Hill Zone in widescreen 2.5D awesomeness. It’s like peering into a manifestation of everything I’ve wanted out of a Sonic game since 1999.
At 47 seconds, it’s far too short. Just enough to get the parts a bit slushy with gaming lust, and then, done. Hit the jump to check out the video.
Bioshock Infinite’s “Big Daddy” Is Called A Handyman
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
Bioshock Infinite ain’t set in Rapture. It’s set in Columbia. And it ain’t got a Big Daddy in it. Instead, those dudes who look like steampunk-ified Big Daddies? That new version of the Daddy is a Handyman.
Destructoid:
On the latest episode of the consistently excellent Irrational Behavior podcast, the beast was given a name — the “Handyman.” Concept artist Rob Waters details the origins and evolution of the character, saying it went from featuring giant mechanic crab claws to the hands (made out of porcelain, apparently) that we see today.
“The functionality problem was that claws are for grabbing, and not for pushing or punching,” he explains. “This guy’s actual functionality was to punch.”
Interesting. They’re a clear analogue (at this point, and to me, I know) for the Big Daddies of this new universe, but they have a different name. Here’s hoping they induce the same awe and terror as the Big Daddies did. Those son of a bitches freaked me out every time I tried to drill shotgun shells into their heavily fortified face.
The big question is, what does a Handyman sound like?
Mass Effect 2 Cosplay Brings Typical Horndog Glee
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
I’ll always have a thing for Yeoman Chambers. Primarily since she is the classic interstellar babe that I cannot get with. Alas. That’s like, you know, every chick on the planet. Or galaxy. Particularly ones that aren’t real. But Miranda Lawson from Mass Effect 2 was a cutie as well, and these cosplay pictures of her are certain both impressive and sexy. Sexily impressive. Impressively sexy.
Kotaku:
Sure, she’s no Yvonne Strahovski, the actual actress behind Mass Effect 2′s Miranda Lawson, but Polish model Jessika F is doing a pretty good job nonetheless in this cosplay photo shoot.Put together by Dark Stars Photography, this is a great shoot. And I’m not talking about the lady clad in spandex. I’m talking about the effort that’s gone into the role-play, the photoshopped combat and even the fact they found a location that looks like somewhere Miranda and Commander Shepard could actually share a quiet lunch.
They’re nice, yo. Some serious work went into the outfit, photography, and photoshopping like wut. Hit the jump for shots of the intergalactic booty gudness.
Vanquish Getting Demo Aug 31; Mech-Arousal Get!
Tuesday, August 24th, 2010
Vanquish is silently sneaked up on my unsuspecting by gloriously gaping ass. Shit is coming stateside, washing up upon the shores of the Empire on October 19. But!, we’re getting a demo way before then. When, yo? The demo is droppin’ on PSN and XBL on August 31. That’s soon like woah.
I can’t wait to download the fucking demo, snort a couple of pixie sticks, punch myself in the groin, and scream in painful glee for the however-too-many-minutes-short demo this son of a bitch is going to be.
