Don’t try tell me about patriotism, hombre.
Y’think you’re a patriot? Y’think you love America? Y’think you’ve bled red, white, and blue for the nation?
Well, who am I t’say y’haven’t? Nobody. So I won’t.
But let me just give you a hypothetical. What if there was a guy who somehow figured out how to travel to different realities? Y’know, like, different dimensions. And what if every time he went to a different reality, it wreaked havoc on his body? And what if we ain’t talkin’ `bout no minor headache – we’re talkin’ about bleedin’ from the eyes and bones feelin’ like they’re breakin’ and lungs wheezin’ out but not fillin’ up and vomitin’ out the ass and a really bad genital rash?
Y’know, like how it is after takin’ some really quality club drugs.
Anyways, back to my point. So, what if – just what if – despite all of negative repercussions, this guy keeps on travelin’ to different realities? And what if this transdimensional sojournin’ wasn’t for recreational purposes, but for patriotic ones? Y’know, like, a fact-findin’ mission. Go on enough to find out how different scenarios play out, and y’might be able to help your nation steer away from the Sirens and towards Valhalla.
“If this went that way and that went this way, well, then we’d be better off! What if `ole Jelly Bean Reagan didn’t run for a second term? What if Baby Hitler choked on a chicken bone? What if? What if?!”
So, despite killin’ himself slowly – and surely – this guy keeps hoppin’ into different realities, all for the sake of givin’ Uncle Sam the fullest report possible. Would y’call this guy a patriot?
Apologies if I come across as rambunctious, I just always get whupped up on Presidents’ Day.
But, as President RFK once said, “Get me a coffee, a copy of the Times, and an answer as to why the hell we don’t have a moonbase yet!”
Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!
Now that you’ve survived some drivel-fiction, it’s time to share what we’ll all be doing this week. Y’know, to survive the grind of the day-to-day.
What albums, books, movies, video games, beers, roller coasters, pharmaceuticals, aerobics classes, or foodstuffs will you be using as protective padding these next few days?
Danny Boyle is the frontrunner to direct ‘Bond 25’ at least for now, in this moment, who knows really though
Man, it feels like we’ve been talking about Bond 25 fucking forever. Who will be playing Bond? Well, Daniel Craig was finally confirmed. Who will be directing Bond? Well, Danny Boyle is looking like the motherfucker for the job now.
The latest Twitch stream is up on YouTube. And oh boy, it’s a doozy. Bateman spends too much time ruminating on the, uh, uncomfortable fate of the slave kids in the Last Jedi.
We also really focus on the Cronenberg-esque body horror of Yoshi’s Island, which finds the reptile-alien-thing metamorphosing in truly horrid manners.
Finally, if that ain’t enough, we deep dive into the various characters we’ve met in a sauna at our gym. Uh, yup!
‘Super Mario Bros.’ encyclopedia is dropping this October, to celebrate the mustachioed prick’s first 35 years
This October, Dark Horse is dropping a fancy as fuck Super Mario Bros. encyclopedia to celebrate the mustachioed prick’s first 35 years. Seems pretty dope, won’t buy it, but I encourage you to do so. Let me live vicariously through your collecting.
Maybe it’s a hot take, but Robert Pattinson can 1000% act when he isn’t in a fucking Twilight movie. And, obviously, Willem Dafoe is Willem Dafoe. So, I’m goddamn stoked to see what Robert Eggers got in store for them.
I want this movie to succeed. That said, I have a bad feeling about its chances at doing so. Not because it’ll be a particularly bad movie, but because it’ll be a particularly whatever it’s fun movie with a big budget. But, I’m digging this fucking trailer. How you feeling about it?
Welcome to the Open Bar, you fucks. The wank-off where we, the gilded turds of the Space-Ship Omega, share what we’re up to during the weekend. I must level with you, seeing Black Panther is at the core of my entire existence the next couple of days. Seeing it tonight, Friday, with comrades. Seeing it Sunday night with my male progenitor. And in the middle? I imagine gushing and flushing all my savory glands discussing it. Here, on OL. Saturday night, on Twitch.
Man, I didn’t think I could produce the juice to get torqued for this movie. You know, boner juice. But, I’m fucking digging this trailer.
As an admitted nerd, and cyberpunk slut, I didn’t think I would ever be ashamed of my desire to live in the Metaverse. Whelp, here the fuck we are.