Buy These Flippin’ Comics!!! (8.27.14) – A Proles Paradise In The Asteroid Belt

DIRTY PAWP

“It was a goddamn proles paradise”, my great-great-great-great grandson will say. He will decline to comment on how the machinery hauling ice off of the asteroids took his arm, crushing it between deadlines and an unforgiving ship hull. He will never, ever comment on how he lost his husband to a beautiful bartender and her false promises of making a new life on Mars. “It was a goddamn proles paradise”, he will repeat. Staring into the amber forgiveness of his drink. “Everyone could have a job if they wanted one”, declining to mention what those jobs were. “Everybody could make a life if they wanted one”, never actually describing what that life would be like.

But that’s another tale, for another day. All of us lead-foots here on the Blue Marble can only look forward to our great-great-great-great grandchildren and their expeditions in the Asteroid Belt with wonder. With anticipation. For us, the skies are still ceilings, and the planets still empty promises. To fulfill these yearnings we turn to narratives, to music, art, film, television, comic books.

These are the comic books I’m looking forward to this week. How about you?

Don’t know what’s coming out? Check a list of this week’s releases right here!

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The Future! – Doctors have implanted a 3D-printed vertebra for first time

Three-Dee Vertebra

Man, I’m falling behind on the times. First, I didn’t know that water clouds were really fucking rare in the solar system, and now it appears that motherfuckers are straight-up changing out bones with 3D-printed replacements these days. And I had no idea! But, I’m totally hip to the vertebra scene, man. For instance. I totally know that it was just recently that a 3D-printed vertebra was implanted in a human for the first time.

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Joaquin Phoenix totally close to being named ‘Doctor Strange’

Joaquin Phoenix

It appears that Joaquin Phoenix is going to continue keeping it strange. Doctor Strange!, that is! (I HATE MYSELF AND MY WRITING.) Some time ago this summer (depending when/where you exist within the space-time continuum) it was announced that Phoenix was going to be nabbing the role of Marvel’s Mystic. Then! Silence. Murmurs. Now! Confirmation.

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Warner Bros. is like “NO JOKES” in new DC comic book movies

Frownfrown

If you believe the Echo Chamber, Warner Bros. has mandated that new DC comic book movies have no jokes. No jokes! This rumor-factoid-whatever has been going around the next for the past couple of days. At first it seemed too ludicrous to warrant reporting on, but the fucking thing has persisted. So yeah. Here we are.

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Science-Wizards find water clouds outside the solar system for first time

Behold!

Chalk this up as one of the many, many things I did not know about in this Universe. Apparently water clouds are rare as fuck on planets.  Even within our solar system. But Astronomer-Shaman have found some outside the solar system. For the first time!

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Marvel is reprinting Dark Horse’s ‘Star Wars’ comics beginning April 2015

Empire Vol. 1.

Bummed out about Disney ripping the Star Wars comics license out of the hands of Dark Horse? Well. Yeah, I don’t see how this news will make it any better. Not only has Marvel (perhaps understandably) been given the Star Wars license, but they will also be reprinting the older Dark Horse comics. Starting next April! Which I suppose also makes sense? Man, I wish I *got* things.

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‘Dragon Age: Inquisition’ Trailer: 4-Player Co-op Mode GET!

dragon age 3 - inquisition

Somehow I keep forgetting that there is a new Dragon Age game dropping this November.  It’s probably because my brain is soaked in anti-psychotics and aspartame. Anyways said Dragon Age game is getting a 4-player co-op mode, and BioWare has dropped a trailer focusing on it.

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New ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’ images feature Hawkguy, Banner, The Twins

Avengers - Age of Ultron.

Want several new images from Avengers: Age of Ultron? Of course you do. Or maybe you don’t. I don’t know you very well. But you have a nice smile, and I think your day is going to be a-okay.

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R.L. Stine writing new ‘Fear Street’ books; 12 year-old me fist-pumps

Fear Street.

Sure we all loved Goosebumps, but it was R.L. Stine’s “more mature” book series Fear Street that gave me some of my earliest adolescent shocks, and boners. Now it appears that Stine is bringing the series back. Here’s to more shivers, shocks, boners, and funny feelings!

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‘Gone Girl’ TV Spot: I Better Learn My Wife’s Blood Type

Gone Girl.

I’m pretty sure in this TV spot for Gone Girl, the fact that Batman doesn’t know his wife’s blood type is used against him. Like, to prove he’s a murderer or something? Anyways, I’m pretty excited for this movie.

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