#June2013
WILLIAM FICHTNER rocking as ‘SHREDDER’ in the MICHAEL BAY VOMIT PILE ‘NINJA TURTLES’ REBOOT.
You know William Fichtner. He’s that guy. Plays a villain in a million different movies. Can’t remember what you’ve seen him in? Don’t worry. You’ve seen him, and enjoyed his performance. Unfortunately, I don’t know about this next one of his. Duder is going to be rocking the role of Shredder in the next Michael Bay Vomit Pile.
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MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE: Alien Tentacle Communication
Hello friends, this is Monday Morning Commute. The column where we share the various interests, annoyances, and niceties we’re looking forward to this week. How are you doing? Still moving them lungs, drawing the nutrients necessary to persist within the OMNIVERSE? That’s wonderful to hear. Check out what’s on my mind this week.
WILL ARNETT joining ‘NINJA TURTLES’ movie. What fresh Hell?!
Will Arnett. I know you’ve separated from Amy Poehler. I know that your NBC (I think?) comedy is going through like a million revisions. But you don’t need this money that badly. Unless you’ve been cast as Shredder. Then you can sign me up for this absurdist theater.
‘NINJA TURTLES’ CO-CREATOR not happy with Megan Fox as April O’Neil. Well, duh.
Not the most shocking thing in the world. A dude with a brain – who just so happens to be the Ninja Alien Not-Teenager Not-Turtles Things (now) co-creator hates the idea of Megan Fox playing April O’Neil.
Doi!
MEGAN FOX is APRIL O’NEIL’ in the ‘NINJA TURTLES’ MOVIE reboot. It’s all f**king over.
If there was any doubt (there shouldn’t have been) that Michael Bay’s Ninja Thing Alien Surfers reboot was going to suck, you can cast aside those foolish notions. Megan Fox has joined the enterprise, portraying a childhood crush of mine. She’ll be taking the role over, bringing to it freakishly large thumbs, and raging vapidity.
‘TRANSFORMERS 4’ gets new leading man in Marky Mark Wahlberg. Wicked pissah?
I dog Mark Wahlberg, but I like the guy. Boogie Nights, I Heart Huckabees, Ted? All dope. That said, I can’t see the guy leading an action franchise. Though I suppose the leading stars of the Transformers franchise are whatever set of breasts Michael Bay is objectifying, and the CGI-houses powering the special effects. Hey-o!
MICHAEL BAY takes a shot at HUGO WEAVING, and it’s…awesome? WTF.
Something I never thought would happen…has. Michael Bay has barfed up some sentiment that I can nod my head in agreement with. Recently Hugo Weaving noted that he wouldn’t want to play the Red Skull again, and also that he regretted doing voiceover work for the Transformers flicks. At the time, I thought it was a bit douche for Weaving to consider himself above rocking the Red Skull. I mean, bro. C’mon. You’re in Matrix Revolutions. Not only that, but to have no problem collecting a check for Transformers (terrible flicks, granted) and then coming out against it? Smacks of pretentious hypocrisy. Somehow. Fucking somehow, Michael Bay echoes my own sentiments.
Michael Bay’s ‘NINJA TURTLES’ script leaks. It is the diarrhea soup we expected.
Oh huzzah! We can all relax now in our correctness. Us smug internet folk, who quietly knew that if Michael Bay were churning out a Ninja Turtles movie, it would be a unparalleled pile of shit.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES’ CO-CREATOR loves the Michael Bay-Flavored Reboot. No one’s perfect.
Just because all of us geeks are shitting ourselves in fear of Michael Bay’s douchebag reboot of the Not Teenage Nor Mutant Ninja Turles doesn’t mean there ain’t anyone sweating it. Take for example the co-creator of the franchise. He’s like, totally in love with the enterprise.
