I know what you’re thinking. Why the fuck am I covering Transformers 4. I don’t really know, either. There’s a perverse curiosity simmering in my sac when it comes to the beastly Bay fecaltainment franchise.

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Dark Lords and Masters, what have we done to offend you so? It wasn’t bad enough that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are going to be Turtle Lookin’ Motherfuckers and nothing more in their reboot? Now we have Kid Cudi rolling up (ha!) into the franchise?

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TMNT  co-creator  Peter Laird is speaking out about Turtlesarealiensgate, and he’s suggesting that we all like give Michael Bay a chance. The problem is when you listen to his protestations to our protestations, I can’t help feel like the dude is just fucking with everyone.

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Michael Bay could hear the Collective crapping their pants in apoplexy yesterday when it was revealed the Douche-Pro envisions his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to be…an alien race. His suggestion? “Chill”, like wasn’t the guy who had already destroyed a childhood love.

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Michael Bay could fuck up a winning lottery ticket. He’d all be “Hey, let’s spend it on explosions and the CGI for racially insensitive robots” and shit. Fucking asshole. Douche-Bag was talking at  Nickelodeon Upfront (whatever the fuck that is) when he intimated that the Turtles will not be mutants. They’ll be fucking aliens.

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There’s good news for those of us without talent in the world. Michael Bay is our Hero, our Saviour, our Douche-in-Charge. Not only has he shit out three painful, vapid, racist, sexist, snorecore shit fest Transformer movies, but the Bovine of the World have spent enough money to land him in the chair for a fourth installment.

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