JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT in contention for ‘GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’ lead. Batman goes galactic.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the New Black when it comes to being at the center of comic book rumors. It’s rumored the duder is going to be The Bats in the Justice League movie. It’s rumored that in this movie he has two dongs, one which shoots raw cookie dough. Now, it’s rumored he may be crossing the line from DC and into Marvel movie madness. If this rumor holds true (and let me tell you I don’t think it will), Batman will be going galactic very soon.
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Super rare original XBOX is gnarly swag, and can be yours!
Goddamn, the original Xbox was a garish piece of bloat. Even this super rare collector’s edition version of the system is nasty. Don’t take too much offense, Xbox. I loved you. Well, sort of. I played a lot of Halo on you, and that has to count for something. Though, if I’m being truthful I never thought your predecessor would be one of my favorite systems of all time, but the Universe is tricky! I digress. Here is a ridiculous collector’s item. Go. Buy it. Mail it to me.
Robbers snagged over $1 MILLION worth of gear from Apple store on NYE.
This is a hell of a plan. Swoop into a store during a ruckus-filled evening and snag you know, a considerable amount of Apple swag. To the tune of like, you know, $1 million dollars. Even in this time of inflation, that is a lot of Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.
JAY-Z composing original soundtrack for ‘THE GREAT GATSBY.’ 2013 sucks.
Eddie Pluto kicked off 2013 by bringing this dollop of shit to my attention. I could hear his raspy cackle in my mind as I read through the news, all the while knowing my rage would feed his blackened heart. Fuck. You know, there was a point where I was really excited for the film adaptation of The Great Gatsby. Then there was the period of Hulkian rage when I was exposed to the horrendous trailer. Now? Now I’m just going to buckle-up and try and enjoy the nightmare.
THE GANG OMEGA’S PICKS OF 2012: Caff-Pow’s Geek Stroke
Boom! Look at this asshole right here. After dragging everyone out of retirement, I’m on my serious grind trying to puke out my own glory hole before the clock strikes. I am most definitely in a hotel room in Montreal, working on my girlfriend’s iPad and some bullshit snap-on keyboard. My long, penetrative phalanges cannot make sense of this absurd key spacing, and WordPress shits thoroughly on the iPad. Thick, unrelenting, heaping steamers of ill compatibility. What can you do? Let’s do this, friends.
THE GANG OMEGA’S PICKS OF 2012: Rendar Frankenstein’s Rumination Frenzy!!
It’s with a tearful eye and a hyper-extended thumbs-up that I bid farewell to 2012.
The last twelve months have been some of the finest of my entire life. And I’m not exaggerating. Unlike those saccharine slobs who always clamor about the present hour being their finest and the preceding moments nothing more than the bliss-steps to their existence plateaus, I have no illusions about the fact that I’ve chalked up some miserable years. I’ve anguished through entire calendars, burnin’ `em up with fuel of the most incendiary sort.
Self-doubt! Resentment! Apathy! Vitriol! Cynicism! Sally forth towards the mire!
But 2012 was a whole different beast. Sure, there definitely some moments when my nostrils were assailed by the wispy vapors of the aforementioned propellants. But repugnance was ultimately cast aside, overpowered by the surfeit of wonder! It’s almost as though entertainment and art and love formed a giant sword-wieldin’, monster-destroyin’ mech, and I got to pilot the son-of-a-bitch!
If only!
Anyways, it looks as though every crew member of Spaceship OL is delivering their year-end highlights, so I’m going to join the party. But since I’ve garnered a reputation as being the erratic, currently-undiagnosed-but-we’re-working-on-it, hack-writin’ resident of the crew, I’m going to switch things up a bit. Each of my highlights will be paired with an Ultra-Dimensional Portal! By clicking on any UDP, a hole will be punched in space-time, and your consciousness will be projected astrally.
Got it? Okay, here’s one last look at 2012!
The Titanic Shot
(Gentlemen of this Omega-Level circle: Before we count down to the inevitable ball-dropping that lies ahead of all our lives, let us first be resolved to kick off the new year the right way: by not letting the new year kick us down where it really counts, because when after all is said and done, and this beloved touchstone of yours truly is beheld and registered, we will assuredly have the drop on fate if we each hold dear to what is most true about ourselves.)
Every man has been there before: toppled over in anguish, made nauseous from a strange throbbing tinged by an existential crisis over his safety in this chaotic world. Left prostrate, the man can’t make any sense of it, his groans the primordial questions to the universe: Why does this have to hurt? Why do I have to suffer so much for something so absurd? And as the pain gradually fades away and the man tries to move on, the questions remain unanswered, the memory lodged in the back of his mind to feel out another day. It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries for mankind—getting hit in the nuts.
Monday Morning Commute: the disco ball spins away another year!
Step right up, folks! This is the end of 2012!
What an adventurous year it’s been. There’ve been thrills and chills, screams and dreams, and hoots to boot! In case you missed any of the excitement, the OL Squadron has been doing flybys of all of the year’s highlights. And if you haven’t taken the time to personally enjoy 2012, well, you’ve got one last crack at it. New Year’s Eve, the night of champagne sparkles and ethanol-gropings and cocktail shrimp catastrophes.
It’s the stuff of beauty.
Anyways, today is also Monday, and as such I present the Monday Morning Commute! During regularly-scheduled programming, this is the spot where I show you various ways I’ll be enjoying myself over the course of the week. However, with today being New Year’s, I’m going to run you through some of the bits of entertainment I’ll be chomping on in celebration of 2013’s arrival. If you’re really rowdy enough, hit up the comments section and show the OL faithful what you’ll be using for party lubricant.
C’mon, you pack of auld lang sinners!
THE GANG OMEGA’S PICKS OF 2012: The Faux Bot’s Big Adventure
Hey you know that kid who writes about video games sometimes? Yeah, The Fucksbot? Something like that. Check out what that douche consumed this year.
