True or False: Wicket totally crushed Leia ass in the dense forests of Endor? C’mon. It’s a bit obvious. Who wouldn’t give it up to this pocket-sized batch of sex? I know I would.

Discuss.

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[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Eminem can rock out beside the Punisher. What the fuck?]

Superman: War of the Supermen #1

Super-shit is about to hit the super-fan this week. DC is kicking off its next extravaganza, War of the Supermen. It’s pretty simple, really. Superman is throwing down with a bunch of other Kryptonians. Lead, of course, by General Zod. I know that the general consensus is that Superman is a lame asshole, but I can’t help but dig on the dude.

When written well, I find him to be pretty intriguing. Unfortunately, that seems rare, no? But if you doubt me, yo, just check out Kingdom Come or All-Star Superman. If you don’t dig that shit, just pretend you do and we can continue being e-acquaintances.

I haven’t been following Superman lately, but I’m hoping back on the bandwagon with this shit. It’s a four-issue mini-series that takes place across one-hundred minutes. Hopefully all the Superdouches flying around can literally beat the mediocrity out of the Superman-universe.

If you can’t make something epic out of a thousand-zillion Supermen beating the living shit out of one another, you’re probably failing at everything around you.

Just saying.

The four-issue miniseries is a weekly ordeal, which is a great way to get stank-asses into comic shops for a solid month. However, DC ain’t stopping there, yo! This week they’re rolling out Brightest Day #1. This shit is the latest weekly/bi-weekly title that DC has decided to trot out. Am I buying this shit? Absolutely not.

I would be game, if I thought it was going to be anything other than mediocre at best. A question to the members of the Cult that come across this den of iniquity. Have you enjoyed any of the following: 1) 52, 2) Countdown, or 3) Trinity? It’s an honest question. I haven’t run into anybody who has actually enjoyed them. So buying a weekly or bi-weekly comic book just for the sake of saying you did seems insane.

Eminem: The Punisher Kill You Promotional Comic #1 (of 2)

Uh…What the fuck is going on here?

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It’s Star Wars Day. May the Fourth. May the Force. See the connection? Ha! I know, right? I didn’t think it up. I was going to hate on the Prequels today, as I am usually wont to do at any mention of Star Wars. But why, right? Why mourn on the death when you can celebrate the life?

God bless Star Wars. God bless the whiny farmer, and the walking carpet, and the sexy space pirate, and the princess with no bra. God bless Kenobi, and the ultimate swagger pimp Vader. God bless John Williams, and George Lucas. Lucas, wherever you are in that fat bloated meatskull that carries your name, I tip my cap to you.

As lame as it sounds, Star Wars introduced wonder into my life. The sort of “gee whiz, anything is possible!” sort of mentality that while incorrect, is empowering. It showed me a galaxy full of oddities and it gave me a bildungsroman to follow as I myself was coming of age.

It consumed hours of my life, it still does. It gave me a mutual interest with friends, and in a way, it probably drew me in closer with Pepsibones. Prior to the Force, Pepsibones was just some kid I ripped bare-assed farts on and made fetch me bagels. But our mutual respect for Lightsabers and Falcons gave us something to get closer through, and now the piece of shit is my favorite person in this galaxy.

So yeah, may the force be wit ya’ll. Take this day to drop the snark and dream but for a moment.

(I’ll try my hardest.)

I fucking love Party Down. I fucking love Snow Crash. If you don’t know what Snow Crash is, I deplore you! I dance in your blood. It’s only like, the dopest cyberpunk book ever. I love Snow Crash so much that I keep it next to my toilet. This way, when I’m rocketing one of my fifteen daily shits, I can flip it open and gander through a random chapter.

So this week, when Party Down referenced the book, I seriously geeked the fuck out. I shook my girlfriend Sam with glee! In the episode, douchey stud Kyle is trying out for the character of Vitaly Chernobyl in some sort of big screen adaptation. Which, of course, sends Nerd Lord Roman into a sort of apoplexy.

It’s a little tugjob to nerds, but it’s worth mentioning, since it’s one of the little things that makes the show so fucking radical, dood.

Boston has been struck with some sort of water crisis. I’m not really sure what the crisis is; I just know that I can’t drink the water. Which naturally, makes me want to drink the water even more. Something about a water main breaking, and something, something, and then my eyes glaze over and I stop paying attention.

It’s all horse radish anyways. Apparently the worst thing it can do is give you diarrhea or something in a week. And let me tell you something, the shits and me are like peas and carrots. I actually prefer a nice liquid blast to some sort of sludgy hate crime. It makes clean-up so much easier.

Just sayin’.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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I’ve never been insane for the Call of Duty franchise. I enjoyed the two Modern Warfares, but that’s about it. So even though I knew that another game was coming this year, I didn’t care. It wasn’t Modern Warfare, and it wasn’t Infinity Ward. Well, fuck me, I seem to be stoked anyways.

It’s the fucking Cold War! Black Ops! Espionage! Oh shiz! Totally super-ballin’. Alright, I’m excited. Check out the video and fap with me.

Just in case you forgot, Marty Friedman is *really* good at guitar.

Watch him unleash Street Demon on a Japanese crowd:

I’m back to drinking beer. And it is fucking glorious. For weeks I was plagued by a mysterious illness that forced me into spitting out beer and drinking whack substitutions. It was one of the toughest times of I’ve ever faced, as I was essentially forfeiting one of my favorite life-activities so that I wouldn’t die.

Worth the sacrifice? Yes. Am I glad it’s over? Double fuck-yes.

So this is the Friday Brew Review, once again at maximum operation status and ready to party. For this return to form, I threw out my usual self-imposed rules and regulations and instead decided to purchase whatever beer seemed most genuinely appealing. As I walked into the liquor store, I made no consideration about the brewery, style, brand, price or volume. The bottom line, the only important question I asked myself was, “Which damn brew most deserves a spot in Studio Apartment Krueger-Gut?”

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Oh my god I’ve crapped my bat-panties. The Dark Knight 2 or whatever you want to call it has a release date:

via cbr:

The Hollywood Reporter’s Heat Vision blog has confirmed that Christopher Nolan’s next and final Batman film will open July 20, 2012. Presently in postproduction on “Inception,” Nolan is working on the story for the as-yet-untitled Batman film with writer David Goyer.

How the fuck do you to The Dark Knight? Who the fuck knows. Even if the sequel is a Return of the Jedi to the Dark Knight’s Empire Strikes Back, it’ll still be enough to send legions of dorks like me into raving throes of ecstasy.