[For Sale At: theSKIDshop via Gamefreaks]

What a ridiculously gorgeous print for one of the prettiest, goosebumps-tingly-time games I’ve ever paid.

So The Return of Bruce Wayne just concluded, bringing Gotham’s first son back into the DC Universe. But other than returning the original caped crusader, not much in the series is explicitly described. There’s time travel and hunter-killer metaphors and self-aware concepts and even Satanic rituals. There’s more room for interpretation in this miniseries than most event-books I’m come across recently.

Hoping to find some answers, I stumbled upon a post by geraldthesloth at the Comic Vine forums. If I’m not mistaken, his theory (which was posted back in May) is as such: Barbatos/Thomas Wayne/Dr. Hurt is Darkseid reborn and Batman is Orion reborn.

In other words, Batman is a Fifth World God.

Six months later, geraldthesloth‘s theory only makes more sense. If you’re at all interested in the cross-section of comics and mythology and the ever-evolving use of narrative to understand the world around us, give the guy’s ideas a read.

[source]

I don’t know much about hip-hop, but I know that Aesop Rock is a wordslinger like no other. In the same week that another artist dropped an album with some shockingly self-indulgent tracks, Aesop Rock tossed a new video onto 900Bats that proves creative word play isn’t dead…it’s just cruisin’ around in a shady van.

Check out the video and be reminded of the fact that language-arts entertainment isn’t as static as the major labels would like you to believe.

One of the more ludicrous themes in recent porn flicks description is something like: “Three chicks being mean to a dude with hogtied BJ.” Every time, I can’t help but remark at the ridiculousness of this description. Let me tell you, Porn Descriptors of the World: three chicks on a dude is never mean and always awesome. Okay?

For that matter, three dudes on a dude is probably never anything but awesome. And three chicks on a chick is also probably never anything but awesome. Oh no! There’s a group of people tending to my sexual needs in an overwhelming quantity!

I mean, I’m sort of exempting any sort of BDSM or torture from my argument. If these chicks have tied down said dude and are lacerating his junk with pins and needles, okay, you got me. But almost every time, they just sit him down and then continue to reinforce the typical tropes porno, that admittedly is pretty cool to my ignorant ass.   “Oh no! There’s three girls! And they all want to touch my penis! It’s soooo mean!” Yeah, the dude is positively suffering. If anything, the most pain he’s experiencing is the pounding of his excited heart about to burst in his god dam chest.

Not buying it.

Entertainment Tonight is going to drop the first Green Lantern trailer on our asses next Tuesday. This is ahead of it premiering with part one of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Well!, being in the time we live in, there’s a teaser trailer for the trailer that is going to air on Entertainment Weekly. A box inside a box inside a box inside a box, or something?

Off the cuff impressions? I didn’t like Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern when he was cast. And I dig the dude in the right role. This teaser? It’s miniscule, and far from enough to judge with, but since I’m going to anyways? Not digging his delivery. It isn’t Hal Jordan, it’s Ryan Reynolds playing Ryan Reynolds, as he is almost always wont to do.

Hit the jump to check out the trailer. And then hit the comments box with your thoughts and impressions on what can fairly be described as far too little to judge something with. [But let’s do it anyways.]

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Courtesy of Royale No Cheese over at Mishka came this nearly day-altering video. Randy Moss is my favorite head case. And while we don’t and won’t talk the politics of sports and sport allegiances here at OL, I needed to post this. It’s straight-up dance, courtesy of Sir Randall “The Freak” “Probably A Bit Crazy” Moss, and DJ Steve Porter. Hit the jump to bask in it.

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Looking for more reasons to hate Kinect? Well, how about that piece of shit that costs $150 only costs $56 to put together? Would that chap your ass? Ignite your asshole in rage?

Destructoid:

We all know Microsoft is selling Kinect at a tidy profit, but according to a recent report on the cost of parts, it borders on the obscene. The parts to put Kinect together cost roughly $56, meaning the $150 gadget is raking in quite a few pennies per sale.

“Basically, the strength of the design is the huge design win for the Israeli fabless company PrimeSense,” says  UBM TechInsights marketing manager  Allan Yogasingam. “They’ve provided the most innovative portion of the Kinect with their image processor, audio and video interface.”

I think the obvious caveat is that this son of a bitch cost a fucking shit ton in research and development. So although they may be able to slap this thing together relatively cheaply, there’s some serious money that went into creating it. I mean, fuck, the original prototype cost $30,000. Still though, you have to sit there and irrationally swear that they’re marking the piece of crap up a hundred dollars. Just ignore the other side of the argument and get pissed fanboys and fangirls. Pissed!

The pieces are set. The players are motion. Amongst me sits cans of caffeinated acceleration. I am approaching the infinity point, poised to see the eyes of the gaming gods! Alright, whatever. I’m just sitting here vibrating from one too many empty Pepsi Max bottles. But this is Press Start! Weekly gaming column. I puke up five things that caught my eyes in the world of video games in the previous seven days. The list is not reflective of importance, or in any particular order. It’s merely my own! My precious.

Theoretically interactive! Hit the comments box with whatever tickled your gaming fancy this week.

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#1: Is Valve Killing The PC Gaming Market?
I ask you if you had the same response as me upon reading this title. Wait, wut?, there’s still a PC gaming market? Like, no, seriously. Sometimes I forget that there are good chaps out there that game primarily on their computer-boxes through their fingerboards. Interesting. My personal computer is dedicated to one thing and one thing only: the Crafting of War. Well, as far as gaming goes. Mainly it’s dedicated to punching insipid articles into Word Press and ridiculous amounts of fetish pornography.

Still though, I found the article massaging my intellectual glands. The dried withered husk of my intelligence. Retailers in the UK are considering banning selling games that use Steam integration. As well digital distributors are pissing their pants, and its for good reason. Steam owns eighty percent of the digital distribution market. Enormous games like Fallout and Call of Duty get pushed through their fat pipes. And so retails and digital distributors are worried that the leviathan won’t leave any room for competition.

Dudes, you’re worried now? The battle is over. Gabe Newell and his Steam have crushed you beneath the weight and prowess of their corporate titties. Repent, and hope they spare your life. It’s an amazing turn, since I remember when Half-Life 2 dropped on Steam six years ago, it was a concept derided by many. Probably myself. Oh, if my memory functioned properly.

Now it’s the god damn iTunes of gaming distribution, dictating terms and the marketplace.

I don’t know if its killing the PC gaming market, but it sure as fuck has that shit on lockdown.

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#2: Bounty Placed On Kinect for Open Source Drivers; Motherfuckers Have It Running On A Mac Already
Last week, Adafruit Industries offered a bounty. They were willing to pay $1,000 to the first person or peoples who could provide open source drivers for Kinect. And let me tell you something, people work fucking fast. Kinect came out on November 4 here in the United States. It was hacked and open source drivers were provided three days later. God damn amazing.

Say what I will about the Kinect being an overblown piece of techno-lust drizzled in casual gaming. I’m excited to see what talented and curious investigators and individuals can do with the device. Take that shit out of the hands of the fascist pigs over at Microsoft and open it up to the creative brain-pieces of people across the world.

Case in point: Theo Watson has posted a video of getting the Kinect to run on the Mac OS. Again, what’s the practical application of this? I’m not sure. But I have faith that the Kinect, in the hands of curious and inventive people, can bare some pretty dope fruit.

Just my take on it.

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#3: Black Ops Just Raped Your Favorite Anything’s Launch Day. With A Bayonet.
Whether or not you like the Call of Duty franchise is irrelevant. I enjoy it, for what it is. You don’t enjoy it? I can respect it. But at this point, it is clear: the Call of Duty zealots are a legion much like that of Leonidas’ from 300. They cannot be stopped. They show no mercy. They’re equally as homoerotic, for the most part. Bros high-fiving and getting so totally stoked to spend hours and hours in what they think is a merely platonic tightly knit homosocial circle. [Kudos to the girls who have infiltrated my homoerotic phallus-firing brigade. You must get special glory in owning our asses.]

This legion of dong-bursting bros turned out in such numbers that we collectively destroyed every entertainment launch ever.   Black Ops moved 5.6 million copes on the opening day, in North America and the UK.

That’s fucking insane.

This medium is here to stay. Whether or not people have utilized it to do more than shoot one another in a multiplayer field is one thing, but it is legit. We are legion. Now, let’s go about beginning to justify it as an impressive conduit for artistic expression. Ken Levine, Fumito Ueda, you must assemble disciples of the narrative.

I trust in you.

QUICKLY: If you haven’t seen Ice-T unbox his copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops, you’re missing the best thing ever. Go. Watch. You’re Welcome.

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Oh god dammit. February solicitations in Previews have the teaser: Death of Spider-Man. I can’t wait for a big character in the DC and Marvel Universe living to become the New Black. Everyone will be shitting themselves, “Dude, I can’t believe they fucking let Steve Rogers live!, it was insane!” I’m tired of motherfuckers dying. Steve Rogers, Bruce Wayne, it looks like Matt Murdock and on and on. ‘Cause guess what! Them fucks come back! Every time. Now it’s Peter Parker’s turn to die. Yawn. Snore. Wake me up.

Prediction: I’m hoping that Marvel isn’t annoying enough to kill off Parker. They’re just going to have to resurrect him prior to his movie coming out. So instead, they’ll probably and maybe, and sort of go with the equally annoying metaphorical death. Parker may give up the costume again. For the zillionth time. Of course. He’ll get all emo and decide he wants to tour Haiti or something and help with the cholera outbreak. Or maybe, it’s just a bullshit teaser and nothing will come of it.

Conclusion: I’m pretty sure whatever they decide, it’ll be stupid. Overblown. Hype.

Thoughts? Impressions? Equally resigned laments as myself? Hit the comments box.

Browsing over at Super Punch today (god damn it, read it already!), I came across a link to a bunch of artwork by Frank Teran. I had been ignorant to the existence of Teran prior to about forty minutes ago, but it is officially love at first sight (of gorgeously painted lightsaber).

I haven’t played either Force Unleashed game. I heard the first one wasn’t worth sixty-bucks, and then despite getting like totally stoked! for the second one because of some trailers, I heard the similar refrain: decent. Well! A sequel is totally justified in my mind, if alone for these works of sexy Sith glory. Hit the jump to check out Teran’s gallery of Force Unleashed concept art, and by the good lord, give his website a visit too.

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