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Behold the new look of Lara Croft. Crystal Dynamics is rebooting the franchise, and are totally swearing to tell the origin story of Ms. Croft. Isn’t this like her third reboot at this point? I can’t keep track. The head of Crystal Dynamics, Darrell Gallagher, trots out some of the more derivative statements you’ll find across video games and comic books to hype up this new origin!

Forget everything you knew about TOMB RAIDER. This is an origins story that creates Lara Croft and takes her on a character defining journey like no other.

Yeah, okay. I’ve heard that line a million times out of DC and Marvel alone. This is across mediums, but it’s the same hyperbole. Maybe it isn’t a reboot, but they’re appear to be starting afresh.

On the look? I like it. I’m sure she’ll still be super sexualized to an extent. But it’s nice to see her with a face that’s a bit harder (but pretty! of course! Heroines have to be pretty.) and suffering some battle damage.

Thoughts?

Via.

Remember your gender roles, kids! Women are busy being spread-eagle, and sexualized. Men? We walk through fucking fire! That’s what this fan art by Protsenko Pavel teaches us. Just about affirms every gender role we’re used to. The saddest part? I still enjoy it. I am an unprincipled man, full of bullshit.

The artwork itself is sexy.

Hit the jump for space-babes, and totally tough alien dudes.

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This is going to be a fucking confluence of absurdity. We got Uwe Boll, perhaps the best filmmaker ever. We have Dolph Lundgren, who is not only that Goddamn Communist Pig from Rocky IV, but also a fucking wizard chemical engineer. Look that shit up, I ain’t stunting. And these two motherfuckers are teaming up to bring us probably the best movie that is also the worst movie you can ever imagine. Name of the King 2, Boll’s second movie based off of the Dungeon Siege video games.

This is fucking awesome.

Let’s kick it to Mr. Lundgren as he spits about what this shit is all about:

“I play an ex-middle ages war veteran who gets fucked up but he gets pulled into some sort of medieval power struggle, kind of gets a bit of a redemption for all his pains in service,” Lundgren said in a recent radio interview. “It’s a role I just wanted to play.”

“They say he was basically sent into the future, he’s the son of Jason Statham, and he was sent into the future, brought up in an orphanage, because the parents felt that they would all die,” he said. “So he is basically the last survivor of the kingdom of Ehb so he should bring the kingdom back in charge.”

How does he get sent into the future? Well, he’s only attacked by ninjas one night and sent through a fucking vortex in time. I’m ready for this shit.

The interwebs have been all aflutter over the recent cosplay by Pixelninja. Yesterday the fat bandwidth tubes of the Nerd Kingdom were filled with pictures of her posing in Samus’ Varia and Gravity suits. They were all stunning, but what else do you expect from Pixel? She’s something of a cosplay wunderkind, whose assortment of costumes are pure nerd sex. They’re all meticulously crafted, and it doesn’t hurt that they’re inhabited by a beautiful woman. I won’t stunt: I love cosplay. I love it done right, featuring beautiful women. I love it done wrong, featuring bloated messes that I derive a good amount of schadenfreude from.

Pixelninja does it well, damn well.

Hit the jump for some pictures of these suits in action.

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An intrepid soul out there in the netherealms of the internet came looking for answers. Deep, philosophical answers. Namely, this soul wanted to know what was more dope ass for vaginal or anal penetration: the PlayStation Move, or a dildo. When I saw that question sitting unanswered in my Search Engine terms, I was flabbergasted. Why hadn’t I, fan of both dildos and anal play, considered this question for the ages.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t own a PlayStation Move or a dildo. Missing both of them to the detriment of my mortal life. So everything is pure speculation. I don’t know which I’ll own first, or if I’ll ever muster up the bravery to stick the Move into my butt (probably not, I’m scared of the little orb popping off), but should I buy either, I’ll update this space.

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[Photo: Ripten.]

Billy Mitchell is the ultimate gaming villain. He’s got a sick ass mullet, a sick ass beard, sick ass hot sauce, and now an homage in recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Sure, he doesn’t have the world record anymore in the original Donkey Kong. But with props, a sick mullet, and the likes, who gives a fuck.

Probably him.

But still, his amazing USA tie can be found in the game. Got the game? Keep an eye out in the monkey ruins in World 3-2, and you can see a serious daps to the baddest motherfucker in the gamin’ world.

If only they could have worked in his mullet of glory.

Look at the stars and stripes on Billy’s tie, and look at the stars and stripes on the the monkey ruins in world 3-2 of Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Mark Wahlberg as Nathan Drake? Fucking gross. Mind you, this isn’t coming from some hater of Marky Mark. I dig the dude. Boogie Nights? Check. I Heart Huckabees? Check. Meanwhile, roles of Nathan’s Dad and Uncle are being written into the movie. ‘Cause they sure ain’t in the game. The roles of Uncle and Father? DeNiro and Pesci. No, seriously.

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You may know something about me. I have a certain fetish. A latex fetish. So good lord. Good lord ever does this Jill Valentine cosplay speak to my primal drives. Namely the one in my pants. Actually, only the one in my pants. Gorgeous blond girl? Check. Video game reference? Check. Latex? Check.

Someone save me.

Hit the jump for a gallery of the pictures that may very well end my life.

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[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

At just about the same time that the battered son of Lieutenant Larry Buckley was regaining consciousness and Daryl Millar was returning home with the most important gift of his entire short life, 8-Bit was shooting ducks out of the sky.

In his darkened basement.

With a plastic gun.

That was hooked up to his Nintendo Entertainment System.

The game was Duck Hunt and without it 8-Bit would have had absolutely no idea what it means to exert control over another living being. The simulation allowed him to feel a sense of power, twirling the Light Gun on his finger like Eastwood in A Fistful of Dollars and blasting pixilated ducks out of the televised sky. Being shrugged off by almost everyone in his life, 8-Bit relied on Nintendo’s processing power to help convince him that there were instances in which he was empowered.

He was the big-bad-man with the motherfucking gun.

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So this is what Nintendo felt like they needed to trademark “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” for? Outstanding. Yup. This is it. The best part about the advertisement is the next line. Where they urge everyone to hold onto our bananas. Well then! I’ll just grab my cock and get ready to play this shit!

It’s on!