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Who can say no to this shit? For starters, you get to wait on a dude hand and foot. Plus, you get free ass beer. And!, I bet he doesn’t realize you could totally gank those beer cans and turn them in for nickles. This shit probably isn’t legit, which is a shame, because I have a winter break coming up.

This is the sort of dorky, bonerfying bullshit that makes me want a Kinect. The ability to act like an asshole, and total techno-wankery. I stipulated in the past that geeks hacking the Kinect are going to pull off some impractical, useless, but cool things. Case in point baby! Case. In. Point. As many have said, now we can all act like Lightsaber Kid in the glory of our own home. A real time tracking and rendering lightsaber on your computer monitor.

Dorky. Cool. Useless. Wankery. Well done.

Hit the jump for video.

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So, there was the announcement of a teaser for BioWare’s next big game at the Spike VGA. Then there was a teaser trailer for the teaser trailer released. And now? Now some rumor mongering may have officially just blown the entire thing wide the fuck open. Words are that the next big game by BioWare may be a Mass Effect spin-off in the vein of Call of Duty.

Kotaku:

The BioWare project teased earlier today by Spike TV’s Video Game Awards is not an early look at Mass Effect 3, according to a development source, but the multiplayer-focused Mass Effect spin-off currently in the works at BioWare Montreal. That Mass Effect game is not a massively multiplayer online version of BioWare’s sci-fi RPG series, but a game that’s designed to appeal more to the Call of Duty market, according to that source.

We’re told to expect player progression in the vein of Activision’s wildly popular online shooter along with some sort of single-player component that does not feature Mass Effect’s Commander Shepard in a leading role.

I’m torn. Any sort of Mass Effect is good Mass Effect in my book. In addition, I love me some Call of Duty. Combine that with the financial sense it makes to go this direction in a spin-off, and I guess I can’t complain.

But! Ha, I got you, there’s a but!

I don’t know man. I guess if there were other Mass Effect games, I’d prefer them to be closer to the feel of the series. I mean, I’m a fucking whore for BioWare, and the franchise, so I know I’ll pick it up no matter what. But I feel a reluctance at seeing them deviate too far from the space-faring epic that I love so much.

Who knows.

Maybe it’s the most ballin’, illin’ shit ever. Maybe it’s not even true.

Thoughts? Impressions? Sage-like advice? Hit the comments box.

Things I’ve always wanted to do in my life: partake in a confused, drug-fueled gay orgy where we’re all wearing Ewok costumes. (Don’t tell my girlfriend.) Throw a game-winning touchdown pass. And finally, beat a zombie to death with a fucking dildo. Well, if I choose to buy Dead Rising 2, it’s forthcoming DLC is going to allow me to accomplish one of these dreams.

Kotaku:

Per the ESRB on Dead Rising 2: Case West: “One game area-a lounge with neon ‘XXX’ and ‘Love’ signs on the walls-depicts a ‘massager’ item shaped like a sex toy; players can use the item to strike zombies and human characters.”

Yep. There is a wieldable sex toy. You can monster mash with an orifice smasher. This is pure gold. Did another me, from a different dimension where I had talent and skill, secretly design this game? I don’t own this game, nor did I like the original. I know, that’s nigh heretical in certain circles. But the idea of beating a zombie with an amazing phallic object (alright, all phallic objects are amazing) is enough to give me momentary pause. Damn, it’s tempting.

Some asshole on eBay is selling a copy of Dragonball GT for a lot of money. Like, a lot of money to the tune of $7,000. That’s seven-thousand Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, yo. A lot of beef. And patty. Why the high price? Apparently it’s all rare and shit.

Destructoid:

Released in 1997, this fighting game is allegedly pretty rare. In fact, the seller increased his original selling price after estimating that a mere fifty sealed copies of the game existed in the United States. Back in the day, around 10,000 copies made it Stateside and it was incredibly sought after even back in the day.

The good news is that this seller isn’t the biggest asshole in the world. Who is it? The biggest asshole in the world is the fucking dildo who takes this schmuck up on his offer. Seriously. I mean, there are games I would pay a good amount for. Take Panzer Dragoon Saga. The difference is that “a good amount for” is something like $300. Not the $900 sealed copy. And I still don’t do that, because I’m   broke like woah. So don’t do it, tempted Dragondouche fanboys. For the love of God, don’t.

I finally beat Call of Duty: Black Ops last night. Took a fucking week! Goddamn, I need my elite gaming status revoked. You say I haven’t had in a while? I say your Momma’s tits sag but I’ll suck em anyways! Oh lord! Father forgive me for my brash delivery. I enjoyed the fuck out of the game.

I dug the single player, the story, the presentation, everything. They hooked me in with the gimmicky as fuck numbers bullshit. I mean, yeah dude, I saw LOST. I loved the numbers back then too. Interrogation, floating numbers! Flashing, hypnotic surreal cut scenes? It was all so predictable, but it worked. Listen, Call of Duty isn’t looking to reinvent the wheel. I always think of these games (well, MW, MW2, and this) as six-hour Jack Bauer-esque experiences.   If you’re looking for depth, go jump into an Olympic swimming pool! And drown! Ha, the Pepsi Max, it speaks to me in riddles involving penises, and vaginas, and talking grizzly bears.

Anyways.

But yeah. Fight Club twist? Generic, predictable, still okay. A riff on the typical brainwashing the US agent to do someone else’s bidding? Generic, predictable, but still okay. It was executed well enough to keep me satisfied. I mean, I love Fight Club. I love Ed Brubaker’s Winter Soldier storyline in Captain America. I’m break dancing gleefully to all of these tropes already. Why not keep spinning to the beat you already enjoy?

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BioWare is going to be revealing their “next big game” at this year’s Spike VGA. However, it appears that teasing a teaser is the new black. You don’t just release a trailer anymore, no fucking sir. First, you have to release a teaser trailer for the teaser trailer. It happened with the Green Lantern trailer last week, and it’s happening now for this BioWare game.

Impressions? It isn’t Mass Effect 3, and that makes me sad. Sure, I lap up anything from BioWare like the pathetic lapdog I am. So whatever this new title is, if I’m correct in guessing it isn’t ME3, is going to be intergalactic stellar-time. Or maybe not intergalactic at all.

Hit the jump for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer. Then hit the comments box with your thoughts on what it could be. Speculation? It’s fun.

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Today Bethesda announced the first round of Fallout: New Vegas DLC. The add-on, titled Dead Money is going to be hitting the 360 exclusively on December 21. Oh goody! Hopefully by then, the first comprehensive patch will be out for FNV that’ll actually turn the piece of software into a functioning game! Then this DLC will bring to us wasteland wanderers a whole new slew of glitches, game freezing bugs, and quirks.

I’m being bitter.

What’s actually in this DLC?

Kotaku:

The 800 Microsoft point pack has players working alongside three other captured wastelanders to recover the treasure of the Sierra Madre Casino. The download add-on includes new terrain, foes and choices, according to the Bethesda Softworks press release.

“We’re pleased to give fans a chance to expand their experience in Fallout: New Vegas this December with Dead Money,” said Pete Hines, VP of PR and Marketing for Bethesda Softworks. “The release of Dead Money illustrates our commitment to creating entertaining add-on content for players to enjoy in already massive games like Fallout: New Vegas.”

I’m going to buy it. Of course I’m going to buy it. If you’ve learned anything about me while browsing this website for an extended period of time, it should be two things. First, my love for Fallout transcends bugs and glitches and even mediocre side installments. Here’s looking at you, New Vegas! And secondly, I have no principles when compared to curiosity and more specifically to new installments of things I love. So while I feel I maybe should like, pretend to boycott this DLC because Obsidian released FNV with more glitches than can be counted, I can’t.

So I’m not even going to pretend.

A pantheon of Marvel Vs Capcom 3 news continues to come out. It’s sort of a fucking pain in the ass. All I want to do is walk around from my computer, and leave the blogging behind for a few moments. Naw son! More shit of interest to spit about. So yeah, Capcom today announced that Marvel Vs Capcom 3 shall be dropping ashore on February 15, 2011. A day after Valentine’s Day. Innit that perfect? Gives you just enough of a buffer to neglect your loved one!

But I spent all of yesterday with you! Oh wait, that shit was last week? Well then. Still, stop complaining!

Capcom also announced today the deals of the swanky fucking collector’s edition that’ll be dropping the same day as the title.

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I can no longer worry about whether or not Kinect is going to succeed. I can no longer worry about whether or not yet another console is going to be indoctrinated into gimmicky, motion control bullshit. I can no longer worry about whether or not the Xbox 360 can stuff all those grandparents and happy family advertisements down the fucking Sarlacc Pit they belong in, incinerating their insipid banality into a forgotten realm of bullshit.

Who gives a shit if it’s gimmicky bullshit? Who gives a shit if it’s clearly spying on you for Big Brother Microsoft Cola? No ones.

I should have known better. Kinect isn’t just selling, it’s selling like fucking hot cakes.

Reuters:

Microsoft Corp said on Monday it has sold more than 1 million of its new hands-free Kinect gaming systems in the first 10 days since launch, putting it on track to beat its target of 5 million sales by the end of the year.

Son of a fucking bitch. Oh well. What does it really mean in the long run? A lot more units solid for the Micro-softs, right? They’ve totally out Wii’d the Wii. No longer must you sling phallic device! Now you dance your way into stupidity with Grandma! Watch as she dances her dying tribal dance! Watch as Papa’s hearing aid falls out in the middle of a lovely game of The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout! and the family cat dies from choking on it.

As long as it doesn’t affect the actual like, games being produced, I’m fine. There can be mountains of bullshit titles out there featuring Kinect-based controls, as long as I get my legitimate installments. But with news that there’s a Gears of War-related Kinect announcement soon, I fear! I fear the infection is spreading.

The bunkers, we must climb into them. The hatches, we must latch.

You fucking assholes.