[Click to Enlarge. Source: Dueling Analogs via Gamefreaks]

This comic strip is amazing. And a beyond accurate representation of the invigorating and intellectually stimulating Xbox Live environment. While a Halo strip, I can assure you that a Modern Warfare 2 restaurant would bring the same quality conversation and ambiance.

Oh shit! The Call of Duty: Black Ops opening day crushes everything! A face full of steel to Avatar! A molotov cocktail upside the dumb face of Master Chief and his squadron of Spartans. Black Ops had the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history. That’s right, beating even the illustrious Modern Warfare 2.

How big is the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history? How about 5.6 million copies in the United States and United Kingdom.

Jesus good Lord god damn Christ.

Kotaku:

Activision executive Thomas Tippl told an audience of investors in New York that Black Ops has sold $360 million worth of copies in its first 24 hours of release in North America and the U.K. this week, compared to $310 million in the first day of release for Modern Warfare 2 a year ago. Modern Warfare 2 sold a mere 4.7 million copies.

While not an indication of quality by any means, I’m interested in the fact that Black Ops outsold Modern Warfare 2. The developers of MW2, Infinity Ward, and the boys behind Black Ops, Treyarch have never been the best of buddies. And there are considerable divisions between fanboys and fangirls of the two development houses. Douches who swear by World at War while using any opportunity to deride Modern Warfare 2. Then there’s the MW2 dildos, who will shit on anything tied to Treyarch, and their installments.

What is confirmed is my belief that despite their griping from either side of this divide, Call of Duty fans are dirty whores for the franchise. Despite what they may claim, they’ll buy anything. They bought Modern Warfare 2, and then despite Black Ops being developed by measly Treyarch, they bought this son of a bitch in droves as well.

Me? I look to shoot people in the face. In modern times, and in the Cold War. I’m going to be open with you goons, if it’s got Call of Duty on the front, I’m going to be interested enough to buy it. I am the self-admitted sucker.

Nintendo sure knows how to suck the fucking fun out of things: roll up and trademark a cultural phrase. “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” has been a geek phrase for a while now. In case you didn’t miss it, you drop this phrase when shit is really about to pop off. Shit is getting serious! So Nintendo, like some confused parent trying to be cool, has decided to co-op the phrase. By filing a trademark for it. You fucking geeks. They want to use it to promote their forthcoming game, Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Guys, c’mon. First off, you don’t need that phrase to promote the game. It didn’t work as a phrase to promote Scott Pilgrim, did it? And secondly, did you really need to trademark it to use it in your campaign?

Whatever the case, they’ve taken back the phrase. Officially commodified it. Which, in case they don’t follow pop culture, makes it instantly thirty-thousand times less cool.

I stand motherfuckin’ corrected. I used to think that unboxing videos were the lamest fucking thing ever. A silent dork, in a dark room, one hand on his cock, the other on a shaky camera. Naw son, they aren’t all worthless. Why? ‘Cause Ice-T’s unboxing of Call of Duty: Black Ops is the most amazing thing I’ve seen in a while. It’s four minutes of motherfuckin’ hilarity, with some of the most classic lives in a while. Watch as Ice-T yells that he’s going to cum as the stage loads. Watch as he tells everyone to suck his ass.

I’m not lying when I say that I think Ice-T is the fucking man. I’ll reiterate the reasons: dope ass gamer, wife with a rump that fucking slays, and he holds down a role on a fucking Law and Order show. He’s a hero of mine, and goddamn I want to hang out with him.

Hit the jump to check out the only fucking Call of Duty: Black Ops video you’ll ever need to see. Promise. Pinky Swear.

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Jude Buffum has tackled a question we’re all wondering: if we were to kill Bowser or Yoshi or a chocobo, how would we go about eating them? What are the choicest of meats? The best slices? I know it’s a salient question for many of us. I mean, if Bowser can rape and pillage as he sees fit, why can’t we eat the son of a bitch? Buffum came up with a bunch of graphics that mimic a view of cuts for something as pedestrian as say a cow, but instead applied it to the fantastic meats of nether realms.

They’re awesome. The entire work was done for the upcoming show Pixel Pushers, and it’s tremendous. Hit the jump for a guide to eating your favorite mythical creature. (Or two.)

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[slaterman23 via Gamefreaks]

Of all the games I want that are actually announced, Dead Space 2 is the one I’m sweating the most. The original was the best rendition of Event Alien Horizon Scientology ever. It scared the crap out of me while hooking deep into my gaming soul with its presentation, graphics, storyline, and most importantly gameplay.

I have no idea what Dead Space 2 is about. Watching this trailer though, it seems to be taking place in a crumbling futuristic city. Oh god, did they just infuse one of my favorite game’s sequels with futuristic cyberpunk wankery? It’s almost too good to be true.

Strap on a diaper if you’re a wimp like me, and hit the jump for the new trailer.

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I absolutely love the Fallout: New Vegas wiki. ‘Cause yes, despite my griping, I’m totally into the video game. I don’t contribute anything to it, but I’m ecstatic that every time I have a question about a quest or a location, I can hit up the site and it’ll do my bidding. I’ve always been amazed at how fucking dedicate the people updating it are. Now I know specifically how god damn insane these fellow wastelanders’ work ethic happens to be. In the first week of the game’s release, there were 475,000 man-hours logged on the FNV wiki.

Jesus Christ.

Destructoid:

According to the magic of traffic-measurement tools, it seems that the unofficial Fallout: New Vegas wiki logged over 475,000 man-hours work within less than a week of the game’s release. Traffic spikes hit Wikia’s servers harder than a ground zero detonation, registering some 2.5 million visitors over that period – seven times the normal amount for the network. Fans created and edited hundreds upon hundreds of pages of information full of everything from quest walkthroughs and item locations to obscure trivia and bug reports.

Kudos, you hard working dorks! Now get back to slaving away on it, I have questions. That need answers. Now!

Ah, it is finally here. The day that Microsoft launches Kinect. The device that lets you karate chop, finger-bang animals, and Minority Report your way to dumbassery. Thank goodness. I was waiting for it to come out. That way my annoyance can reach critical mass. I had to slap down my Nana today for dropping a banana peel. Her head spun around like a god damn Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot. As she writhed on the ground, I tried to explain myself.

Sorry Nana, video games made me do it. It’s the new motion controls! They’re a bad influence! I just want to karate chop everything. I can’t tell real from fake anymore. It’s the violence! No, don’t you dare call my psychiatrist! They’ll never take me alive! Alive!

Then I dove out the window. I am typing this under shelter of fallen leaves and raindrops. Wi-Fi is a helluva thing.

But seriously Kinect can go fuck itself. I’ve never felt so little excitement over an add-on. And this is coming from the guy who bought a Sega CD and a 32X. I totally had to have them.

Dropping an honest bomb on your ass, a part of Kinect appeals to me. As a technology whore, I can be a turned on by the idea of manipulating menus with my hands. I would love to totally don my duster jacket, sweet reflective shades, and pretend I’m in Neuromancer. I can imagine the hours I’d spend manipulating the dashboard, while manipulating my dong-bot. Enhance! I’d say. Enhance! I’d command. Sure nothing would happen, but I’d be living out a Gibsonian dream that I’ve fantasized about for years.

Hand manipulation? Facial recognition? Speech commands? It’s something out of my wet dreams.

The problem is that I simply don’t give a fuck about the games. I own a Wii. It sits in the corner, gathering dust. Every once in a while I take a moment to demean it.

You underpowered piece of shit! Where’s your HD? LOL AT YOU. YOUR PENIS IS SMALL AND YOUR BREATH STINKS. STINKS.

It only murmurs, hurtfully.

I don’t need to spend a $150 for something whose only marketing value to me is a sweet-ass way to get through a dashboard. I don’t need to pet animals, or do dance moves, or play tennis. I can do all that shit in real life. And if you know anything about me, it’s that I pet animals daily. That’s not to mention the fact that my dance moves are fucking elite. Seriously, I cut a rug like a son of a bitch. White guy funk drizzled in insanity, motherfuckers.

It’s a sweet ass piece of technology that beckons to me, like a Siren’s Call. But underneath that is the fact that it’s a gimmicky utensil of bullshit. If I’m being completely honest, they’ve almost won me over. Not for $150, but the allure of gadget-stroking. Perhaps my vitriol is so manifest because I can see myself staring down the chasm of douchery. It calls to me, yet I know how much I detest a good portion of what it stands for.

Stay strong, fight the fight. Say no to gimmicky motion controls, even if they harbor the allure of living within science fiction orgasm. You don’t need to play hopscotch with your grandma and grandpa. I promise.

[Robert Leduc-Reasoner via Gamefreaks]