Apparently everyone’s a fucking fan of teaser trailers for   trailers these days. Specifically, for shit they’re revealing in this weekend’s Spike Video Game Awards. First it was BioWare, and now it’s time for Rocksteady Studios to tease the new footage of Batman: Arkham City that’s being revealed on Saturday. It features Batman laying down the stinky-hammer on a bunch of jabronis that are hunting him, and looking all smoldering and shit.

Hit the jump for the video.

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Japanese developer DMM.com has released a game which was obviously secretly created and coded by myself. It is titled rather aptly, “Virtual Sex Club”. I could only come across this title after several hours of hyperbaric meditation, and I have to say I’m pretty proud of it. However, I’m much more excited about the premise. You pay a monthly fee, ¥1,800 (US$21), then that entitles you to 30,000 Gold. Why gold? ‘Cause isn’t that what we’ve always wanted to spend when buying porn stars? Hey you! Porn star! Fourteen gold bricks to brick your bung-hole!

It’s me, making dreams come true.

But wait, there’s more!

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The original Resistance? Justification for my first-wave purchase of my PlayStation 3. The sequel? An unremarkable journey through the universe. My hopes for the third game? Pretty fucking high. Insomniac Games always delivers the goods, and despite how unmemorable the third one was, I still enjoyed it.

These screens for the third game dropped, and as Luke Plunkett points out, they’re totally Half-Life 2 in their feeling. Tattered remains of humanity post-alien invasion? Check. Beautiful destruction? Check. That’s all straight though, Half-Life 2 is one of my favorite games of all time.

Resistance 3 would be so lucky as to be mentioned in the same breath as HL2. Hit the jump for the screens.

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Ah, Dream Club Zero by Tamsoft. This is the same game that I covered a bit ago. You know, the “dating simulation” that lets you pump sausages into what appears to be underage chicks’ mouths? Hey man, it’s a date! You’re just feeding them! Well, Kotaku dropped some news on another way you’re going to help some chicks out; slapping bugs off their tits. Pesky bugs!

According to Andriasang, players will be able to brush away bugs from sensitive areas of the hostesses they’re trying to charm. Good and bad attempts of insect-removing techniques are shown, but both look like clumsy gropes that serve as an excuse to fondle virtual girls.

Excuse me? An excuse to fondle virtual girls! Why! What an accusation. What girl doesn’t want a Sir Lancelot to come into their life, and help them out? And for those not in the know, nothing says helping out like slapping bugs off of a helpless girls’ boobs, and I’m going to assume inner thighs.

It’s called chivalry. Clearly in Japan it’s not dead.

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Behold the new look of Lara Croft. Crystal Dynamics is rebooting the franchise, and are totally swearing to tell the origin story of Ms. Croft. Isn’t this like her third reboot at this point? I can’t keep track. The head of Crystal Dynamics, Darrell Gallagher, trots out some of the more derivative statements you’ll find across video games and comic books to hype up this new origin!

Forget everything you knew about TOMB RAIDER. This is an origins story that creates Lara Croft and takes her on a character defining journey like no other.

Yeah, okay. I’ve heard that line a million times out of DC and Marvel alone. This is across mediums, but it’s the same hyperbole. Maybe it isn’t a reboot, but they’re appear to be starting afresh.

On the look? I like it. I’m sure she’ll still be super sexualized to an extent. But it’s nice to see her with a face that’s a bit harder (but pretty! of course! Heroines have to be pretty.) and suffering some battle damage.

Thoughts?

Via.

Remember your gender roles, kids! Women are busy being spread-eagle, and sexualized. Men? We walk through fucking fire! That’s what this fan art by Protsenko Pavel teaches us. Just about affirms every gender role we’re used to. The saddest part? I still enjoy it. I am an unprincipled man, full of bullshit.

The artwork itself is sexy.

Hit the jump for space-babes, and totally tough alien dudes.

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This is going to be a fucking confluence of absurdity. We got Uwe Boll, perhaps the best filmmaker ever. We have Dolph Lundgren, who is not only that Goddamn Communist Pig from Rocky IV, but also a fucking wizard chemical engineer. Look that shit up, I ain’t stunting. And these two motherfuckers are teaming up to bring us probably the best movie that is also the worst movie you can ever imagine. Name of the King 2, Boll’s second movie based off of the Dungeon Siege video games.

This is fucking awesome.

Let’s kick it to Mr. Lundgren as he spits about what this shit is all about:

“I play an ex-middle ages war veteran who gets fucked up but he gets pulled into some sort of medieval power struggle, kind of gets a bit of a redemption for all his pains in service,” Lundgren said in a recent radio interview. “It’s a role I just wanted to play.”

“They say he was basically sent into the future, he’s the son of Jason Statham, and he was sent into the future, brought up in an orphanage, because the parents felt that they would all die,” he said. “So he is basically the last survivor of the kingdom of Ehb so he should bring the kingdom back in charge.”

How does he get sent into the future? Well, he’s only attacked by ninjas one night and sent through a fucking vortex in time. I’m ready for this shit.

The interwebs have been all aflutter over the recent cosplay by Pixelninja. Yesterday the fat bandwidth tubes of the Nerd Kingdom were filled with pictures of her posing in Samus’ Varia and Gravity suits. They were all stunning, but what else do you expect from Pixel? She’s something of a cosplay wunderkind, whose assortment of costumes are pure nerd sex. They’re all meticulously crafted, and it doesn’t hurt that they’re inhabited by a beautiful woman. I won’t stunt: I love cosplay. I love it done right, featuring beautiful women. I love it done wrong, featuring bloated messes that I derive a good amount of schadenfreude from.

Pixelninja does it well, damn well.

Hit the jump for some pictures of these suits in action.

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An intrepid soul out there in the netherealms of the internet came looking for answers. Deep, philosophical answers. Namely, this soul wanted to know what was more dope ass for vaginal or anal penetration: the PlayStation Move, or a dildo. When I saw that question sitting unanswered in my Search Engine terms, I was flabbergasted. Why hadn’t I, fan of both dildos and anal play, considered this question for the ages.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t own a PlayStation Move or a dildo. Missing both of them to the detriment of my mortal life. So everything is pure speculation. I don’t know which I’ll own first, or if I’ll ever muster up the bravery to stick the Move into my butt (probably not, I’m scared of the little orb popping off), but should I buy either, I’ll update this space.

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[Photo: Ripten.]

Billy Mitchell is the ultimate gaming villain. He’s got a sick ass mullet, a sick ass beard, sick ass hot sauce, and now an homage in recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Sure, he doesn’t have the world record anymore in the original Donkey Kong. But with props, a sick mullet, and the likes, who gives a fuck.

Probably him.

But still, his amazing USA tie can be found in the game. Got the game? Keep an eye out in the monkey ruins in World 3-2, and you can see a serious daps to the baddest motherfucker in the gamin’ world.

If only they could have worked in his mullet of glory.

Look at the stars and stripes on Billy’s tie, and look at the stars and stripes on the the monkey ruins in world 3-2 of Donkey Kong Country Returns.