Found this today over at Aesthetically Pleezin, and I gotta be honest with you folks. I couldn’t make it through this entire video. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m excitable. Like, really. When something gets me pumped up, I begin running around and smiling and acting like a general tardanite. So when I watched this video I began tweaking, and losing my shit.

Uncharted 3. On Jimmy Fallon. This game is going to fucking own my soul.

Hit the jump for the video. Try and not tweak, I got that shit covered for both of us.

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OH FUCK YEAH, the Spike VGAs just officially became relevant to me. Fucking Mass Effect 3 fucking trailer was dropped. Holy shit and a bag of hard tits. Shepard   has to save Earth. We knew that yesterday. But still. Someone has to save my pants. I’m flooding them with piss and splooge and goop. I’m dehydrated but loving life.

Hit the jump for the fucking trailer.

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The plot for Mass Effect 3 leaked today. Maybe. Probably. There’s a good chance it’s legit. It comes from the listing of Mass Effect 3 on the EA online store. Want to hear it? Well, it’s why you’re here, isn’t it?

Earth is burning. Striking from beyond known space, a race of terrifying machines have begun their destruction of the human race. As Commander Shepard, an Alliance Marine, your only hope for saving mankind is to rally the civilizations of the galaxy and launch one final mission to take back the Earth

Fucking rad. It’s about time that they finally let us motherfucking cosmos-hoppers return to where we all began. It makes sense to pin the final chapter of the first Mass Effect trilogy squarely to the one, most important planet they haven’t let us see yet.

I need this game. I need it now.

Via.

I am but a mortal man this morning. Typically, before conjuring the demons through the phalanges, I take a ritualistic trip. To my favorite distributor of caffeine: the 7-Eleven. My car in the shop, surely being fucked by   mechanical gurus, I am stuck at home. Without the energy drink. I am marooned. The voices are not speaking to me. The eyes of God obscured. Nonetheless, this is Press Start! The gaming column where I recount the five things that caught my eyes this week. The list isn’t indicative of importance, and I encourage you to share in the comments box.

Sharing is caring.

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#1: EA Boss: Single-Player Only Games Are Finished.
Look at the image above. Gaze deep into the abyss behind the eyes. His name is Frank Gibeau. And according to your perspective, he may be either the devil, or simply the man willing to speak the truth. Sounding off in an article over at IGN, Gibeua made the proclamation, “I firmly believe that the way the products we have are going they, need to be connected online. Multiplayer is one form of that.” Translation: stop complaining about us shoehorning multiplayer into your beloved games. ‘Cause it isn’t going anywhere, you griping pig fuckers.

I’m still trying to figure out if hes the devil, or simple astute.

I fucking hate how everything is getting a multiplayer stapled onto it. The latest casualty is Mass Effect 3, which is going to see multiplayer shoved into it. Unwelcome penetration. It makes sense though, since BioWare is owned by EA. Everything is connected!

It makes too much business sense to not throw multiplayer into everything. If you share my sentimnent, you’re out of luck. The unwashed masses are clamoring for it. They beg for the ability to shoot people in any setting. With this knowledge in hand, the talking heads will see fit that games like Dead Space and Mass Effect will get stuffed down the gullet with multiplayer.

He is an astute devil.

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#2: You Can Buy A Nintendo Guitar. Excessive Nerdosity.
Oh hell yeah! Would there be a better way to complete the heavy metal dork tribute to Dimebag than to drop some Sandblasted Skin across the frets of a guitar built from an original Nintendo? The mind boggles. It’s well accepted that the Dorks and Heavy Metal Meat Heads (I am both, so don’t complain) ovals overlap big time on a venn diagram. Now it’s time to just take it one step closer towards being official. The chaps at GetLoFi will sell you one of these beasts for $150 Imperial credits.

Go on, buy it. Can you really put a price on your dorky awesomeness?

Speaking of awesome constructs: Kinect hack brings self-aware flying machine. Fucking righteous.

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#:3 Japanese Virtual Sex Club Lets You Buy Porn Stars, Dildos, Spatulas.
I am constantly amazed at the lengths to which people will go to rocket an orgasm throughout their synapses. People are ridiculous. This musing usually comes as I have an elastic band around my testicles, hanging from the hooks connected from my back to the ceiling. But still. We have to have some standards, right?

Gaming developer DMM.com has revealed the game, “Virtual Sex Club”, and isn’t that a hell of a title? You pay a monthly fee, which affords you 30,000 gold. With this gold, you can go about buying various things. Porn stars, sex toys, even sexual positions. Your gold runs out really fucking fast, which is obvious because you can spend it on everything, up to minutiae like the color of your virtual fuck’s nails.

There’s sexual objectification, and then there’s this. Sweaty hands clicking across mouses, manipulating cursors. Perfecting their virtual fuck.

Now, the moment we can vat grow mindless male and female automatons that are built to our specifications for our fuckery, wake me up. They’ll last a specified amount of time, before evaporating into a cloud, their vat-flesh only a temporary construct. But sadly my future has not arrived yet, and I’m stuck to buying spatulas and banana-shaped dildos instead.

If this Japanese amazement isn’t your speed, you can also buy the game where you slap bugs off your date’s tits to “protect her”.

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A good friend of mine has pointed me towards two stories this week. First the Arkham City reveal, and now this one. Kudos, cheers, and may someone kindly rub your genitals. Remember the BioWare teaser we were all speculating about? First it was reported that it was an off-shoot Mass Effect game. Now it’s been “confirmed” by nebulous dark sources that it’s actually Mass Effect 3 with multiplayer.

1up:

So just what exactly has BioWare been teasing to reveal at the Spike TV VGAs for the last couple of weeks? Would you believe it is, after all, Mass Effect 3? Joystiq reports that a “trusted source” has informed them the mystery game, first teased with the single image above, will indeed be the final chapter in the Mass Effect trilogy.

What’s more, this source says Mass Effect 3 will feature some kind of multiplayer mode, a first for the series. What this source couldn’t confirm, though, is whether the VGA reveal will highlight the multiplayer or not.

Thoughts? Reactions? I couldn’t give less of a shit about a multiplayer aspect for the Mass Effect franchise. Completely understand why it makes sense from a business standpoint. But still, don’t give a shit. Hit the comments box with your take.

Want more official Uncharted 3 screens? Including placeholder box art? Of course you do. Hit the jump, and indulge. You’re welcome.

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Goddammit! Haven’t we learned anything. I was pretty sure that all this fucking around we’re doing with the Kinect is going to bring about the robot apocalypse. And now I’m getting more sure. The mad scientists over at the Hybrid Systems Lab at UC Berkeley have used the Kinect to construct an autonomous flying machine.

Kotaku:

Instead of being hooked up to an Xbox 360 to play games, Kinect is sending visual data to a Linux box onboard the mini-copter, letting the quadrotor fly autonomously, detect its own altitude and avoid obstacles. A back-up motion capture device provides other data–lateral and yaw–and provides a safety back up for altitude detection, should Kinect fail at some point.

It seems cool now, but when they’re used to fly over cities and drop nuclear caches, we’re going to be seriously displeased with these guys.

Hit the jump for the video of it flying. It’s amazing. And terrifying.

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With all the news coming out today about Uncharted 3, it makes sense that Sony’s other top (previously) exclusive developer would drop some noise of their own on our asses. Insomniac Games released even more Resistance 3 screens. On Facebook. Well then, that’s a unique way to do it. Mark Zuckerberg just orgasmed at that use of his leviathan, while continuing to stare in that eerie ass way that he does.

Hit the jump for the new pictures.

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Oh hell yeah! We didn’t just get a reveal of Uncharted 3 today. We got a fucking teaser trailer. You know how BioWare and Rocksteady dropped teasers for their trailers that are being revealed at the Spike VGA? Naughty Dog is following suit. Ain’t nothing much to say.

Hit the jump for the fucking teaser for the Uncharted 3 trailer, dummy!

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Entertainment Weekly just blew the lid off of one of the most anticipated games, Uncharted 3. The game’s official title is Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, and it is totally going Indiana Jones and Lawrence of Arabia with Drake running around some fucking gorgeous sand dunes and shit.

Here, some details:

According to Naughty Dog’s creative director Amy Hennig, the theme of deception plays out in multiple ways throughout the threequel, from Drake doing the deceiving to Drake being deceived to some mysterious deception about Drake’s very identity. The story focuses on the hero’s relationship with his mentor and father figure, fan fave Victor “Sully” Sullivan, and has him searching for a legendary lost city that will ultimately take him to the Arabian Peninsula and the vast wasteland of the Rub’ al Khali Desert, also known as the Empty Quarter.

[cont]

Uncharted likes to keep one foot (or at least a toe) grounded in history (Nathan’s ancestor is the British pirate, explorer and Navy officer Sir Francis Drake) and the plot of Uncharted 3 draws more from Drake’s exploits as well as from the life of T.E. Lawrence – not from his militant days as the fabled “Lawrence of Arabia,” but rather the Brit’s early years as an archaeologist. The inspiration for the story, says Hennig, came from Naughty Dog’s desire to take on the challenge of conceiving and building out gameplay scenarios within a desert locale – “challenge,” because organic elements like water, fire and sand are technically difficult to credibly render with animation.

It’s a scientific fact that Uncharted 2 is the best game of the generation. Doing some tabulating with my abacus and some beaker work to conjure the true essence of knowledge into my brain stem, I have ascertained this. So I am beyond stoked for this title.

HIT THE JUMP FOR THE SCREENSHOTS OMFG

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