Press Start!: Sex Clubs, Cypress Hill, And Shredding.

I am but a mortal man this morning. Typically, before conjuring the demons through the phalanges, I take a ritualistic trip. To my favorite distributor of caffeine: the 7-Eleven. My car in the shop, surely being fucked by   mechanical gurus, I am stuck at home. Without the energy drink. I am marooned. The voices are not speaking to me. The eyes of God obscured. Nonetheless, this is Press Start! The gaming column where I recount the five things that caught my eyes this week. The list isn’t indicative of importance, and I encourage you to share in the comments box.

Sharing is caring.


#1: EA Boss: Single-Player Only Games Are Finished.
Look at the image above. Gaze deep into the abyss behind the eyes. His name is Frank Gibeau. And according to your perspective, he may be either the devil, or simply the man willing to speak the truth. Sounding off in an article over at IGN, Gibeua made the proclamation, “I firmly believe that the way the products we have are going they, need to be connected online. Multiplayer is one form of that.” Translation: stop complaining about us shoehorning multiplayer into your beloved games. ‘Cause it isn’t going anywhere, you griping pig fuckers.

I’m still trying to figure out if hes the devil, or simple astute.

I fucking hate how everything is getting a multiplayer stapled onto it. The latest casualty is Mass Effect 3, which is going to see multiplayer shoved into it. Unwelcome penetration. It makes sense though, since BioWare is owned by EA. Everything is connected!

It makes too much business sense to not throw multiplayer into everything. If you share my sentimnent, you’re out of luck. The unwashed masses are clamoring for it. They beg for the ability to shoot people in any setting. With this knowledge in hand, the talking heads will see fit that games like Dead Space and Mass Effect will get stuffed down the gullet with multiplayer.

He is an astute devil.


#2: You Can Buy A Nintendo Guitar. Excessive Nerdosity.
Oh hell yeah! Would there be a better way to complete the heavy metal dork tribute to Dimebag than to drop some Sandblasted Skin across the frets of a guitar built from an original Nintendo? The mind boggles. It’s well accepted that the Dorks and Heavy Metal Meat Heads (I am both, so don’t complain) ovals overlap big time on a venn diagram. Now it’s time to just take it one step closer towards being official. The chaps at GetLoFi will sell you one of these beasts for $150 Imperial credits.

Go on, buy it. Can you really put a price on your dorky awesomeness?

Speaking of awesome constructs: Kinect hack brings self-aware flying machine. Fucking righteous.


#:3 Japanese Virtual Sex Club Lets You Buy Porn Stars, Dildos, Spatulas.
I am constantly amazed at the lengths to which people will go to rocket an orgasm throughout their synapses. People are ridiculous. This musing usually comes as I have an elastic band around my testicles, hanging from the hooks connected from my back to the ceiling. But still. We have to have some standards, right?

Gaming developer has revealed the game, “Virtual Sex Club”, and isn’t that a hell of a title? You pay a monthly fee, which affords you 30,000 gold. With this gold, you can go about buying various things. Porn stars, sex toys, even sexual positions. Your gold runs out really fucking fast, which is obvious because you can spend it on everything, up to minutiae like the color of your virtual fuck’s nails.

There’s sexual objectification, and then there’s this. Sweaty hands clicking across mouses, manipulating cursors. Perfecting their virtual fuck.

Now, the moment we can vat grow mindless male and female automatons that are built to our specifications for our fuckery, wake me up. They’ll last a specified amount of time, before evaporating into a cloud, their vat-flesh only a temporary construct. But sadly my future has not arrived yet, and I’m stuck to buying spatulas and banana-shaped dildos instead.

If this Japanese amazement isn’t your speed, you can also buy the game where you slap bugs off your date’s tits to “protect her”.


#4: Lara Croft Reboot Caps Week Of Sizable Reveals
Click Ms. Croft to get the entire cover to Game Informer. Listen man, I’m going for an aesthetic here, or else I’d post the whole thing. It was announced this week that Crystal Dynamics was once again taking a stab at rebooting Lara Croft. They’ve taken her from sultry vixen in booty shorts and turned her into…Hillary Swank? Once someone pointed out the comparison to me, it was all I could envision. Thoughts? I like the weathered look to her, but I don’t think it’s going to reignite the franchise.

Remember when Croft was everywhere? Even rocking with U2? My, how times have changed.

Also, apparently the Spike VGA show is the new hotness for gaming reveals. Leading up to it this week we’ve seen Uncharted 3 revealed, an Arkham City footage teaser, and speculation about what Mass Effect-related is going to be shown. Goddamn, that’s a lot of video game noise. In the winter too. I suppose it keeps shit interesting.


#5: Cypress Hill Member Is Suing Grand Theft Auto For $250 Million
If I’m reading everything correctly, Michael “Shag” Washington is a backup singer for Cypress Hill. And he’s suing Rockstar Games for allegedly using his likeness without permission in the blockbuster hit Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Washington wants $250 million dollars, which is a quarter of the profits since the game was releasd. That’s a lot of money, Mr. Washington. What sort of claims do you have to support your case? Apparently “Washington says that while the game was in development, Rockstar consulted him for a real-life look into “gangs and street life,” promising to call him if they used any of his material in the game.”

Well, let me tell you something. The game was released in 2004, and just now he’s getting into suing these people? He claims he didn’t even know that the game was released, and then he saw his nephew playing it on a Mac last month. I don’t know man. Call me skeptical. You’d think if a video game consulted you, you’d be more thorough in seeing if they ever made anything of their consultation.

I’m skeptical. You guys?

Maybe I’m just being a dick.


That’s it for me. What caught your eyes this week? Hit me.