This year was fucking fantastic in the world of Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell. The day that Billy Mitchell was inducted into the International Video Game Hall of Fame, he took back the world record in Donkey Kong. How fucking bad ass is that? If Mitchell is the Darth Vader of video games (gorgeous, righteous, will choke a bitch), then that was his Empire Strikes Back. But regular dude Steve Wiebe wasn’t going to take that shit sitting down. No sir. He knuckled down and defeated evil. Back and forth. Good and evil. The eternal struggle.

Well, guess what fanboys. Steve Wiebe is willing to teach you the inner workings of the Donkey Kong. For a price. According to Joystiq, Chicago’s Logan Hardware “has hired Wiebe to not just teach a Donkey Kong class, but also to spend nearly five hours attempting to best his own high score on January 15.” How much does that shit run? Twelve bucks.

That’s it? To learn from a legend? Holy shit, sign me up. This is like Luke teaching you the fucking Force. Sure you’ll never be able to save the galaxy, but maybe you can glean enough to persuade sexy green space babes to take off their pants. And show you their salacious crumb.

If I was anywhere near Chicago, I’d be down like a clown. I know some may scoff at having to pay, but the guy is just a regular dude. I’d happily give him so money, to hang out, learn some bullshit, and watch him tear it up.

Here’s to another year of jostling between Vader and Luke, some records changing hands, and at the very least: more of Billy Mitchell’s mullet.

Over at Dorkly, they have some riveting letters from the “frontline” of Call of Duty. They are a testament to the world of Call of Duty. Wrought with douchebags jumping up and down (me), blinding themselves with grenades (me) and ultimately repsawning only to get knifed in the back while still too busy swearing (me).

Hit Dorkly for the rest of the epistles.

Via.

Arrrgh! It’s time to reveal the most pirated game of the year: Call of Duty: Black Ops!

Kotaku:

According to a report from BitTorrent news site TorrentFreak, the PC version of Black Ops has been pirated an impressive 4.2 million times. The newest Call of Duty bested Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (3.96 million downloads), Mafia II and Mass Effect 2 to take home the most-stolen crown.

Thieves who own an Xbox 360 did their share in Black Ops stealing, downloading that console version 930,000 times, according to TorrentFreak’s numbers. Dante’s Inferno wound up being the most downloaded Xbox 360 game, with Super Mario Galaxy 2 sitting atop the most pirated list on for Wii owners. Congratulations all around!

It makes sense. Like, you know? The best selling game of the year is also the most pirated. Logic. It does things.

Finally the dream I’ve been waiting to become reality. I don’t want to just feel like a retard while I’m playing World of Warcraft. No. I want to look like one. Alright, you got me. More like one. Now I can with this Kinect hack. Who doesn’t want to waggle their arms, lean forward, lean back, and other things to control their WoW character? Probably everyone! We’re fat, and gelatinous. By and large. We like the sitting.

Hit the jump to see a dude play WoW with Kinect, which makes it look a lot like aerobics.

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I’ve been covering Dream Club Zero for a while. It’s full of amazing things. Stuffing girls’ mouths with sausages. Slapping bugs off their tits. But this newest one is the most amazing/awful. You feed the girls ice cream. However if you “miss”, the girls get ice cream dribbling all over their dumb faces.

I imagine many people will be missing. And jerking. And missing some more.

Via.

It’s going to be a long, long eleven months (and change) waiting for Uncharted 3. Especially if Sony and Naughty Dog continue to drop these gameplay videos. They released a couple more today. Some of it is the same stuff that was on the Jimmy Fail show a couple of weeks ago, some of it is new.

What else is there to say?

Hit the jump for the videos.

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The culturalpocalypse is coming. Have you heard of the Madden Curse? If you’re one of the three people who hasn’t, it goes like this. If you’re put on the cover of Madden – the preferred video game of millions and millions of people – you’re fucked. Every single person who adorns the cover generally suffers malaise and awfulness that season. It’s become such a part of my generation’s collective conscious that the inevitable has happened:

EA is looking to exploit it.

In the form of a movie.

The project is being spearheaded by EA Entertainment VP Pat O’Brien, and the storyline seems simply riveting. This wonderful high-concept certain-abortion would “follow a former Madden video game champion who is forced out of retirement just as he finds himself on the corner of the game’s cover.” Whatever will he do then! It’s the sort of insane scenario that Max Barry riffs on in his novel Syrup, which if you haven’t checked it, you should. Shameless whoring of a favorite book of mine. Get some.

The culturalpocalypse? It’s sort of fun.

The best thing about Arkham Asylum was the continuous ass-whupping you got to put onto foes. Batman is a goddamn Jedi when it comes to fighting street rats and ruffians. It’s straight-up the way it should be. These Arkham City screens reassure me that it’s going to be positively more of the same in the sequel I’m sweating. There’s a screen where Wayne is administering a fucking steel door to some douchebag’s sternum. He’s the thunderous bastard everyone fears. For good reason.

Hit the jump for the screens.

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Not that I ever doubted the Call of Duty juggernaut, but I’m still fucking impressed. Today, Activision announced that Black Ops has surpassed one-billion dollars in worldwide sales. Jesus Lord. That’s a lot of motherfuckers playing, which is why it makes sense that   to this date “more than 600 million hours have been logged.”

Shit is selling at an impressive clip, outpacing last year’s Modern Warfare 2. This is undoubtedly awesome news to Treyarch fanboy and fangirl assholes, who will assuredly be parlaying this information into forthcoming message board arguments.

Activision Devil Guru Bobby Kotick was absolutely stroking his cock in virgin blood when he commented:

“In all of entertainment, only Call of Duty and “Avatar” have ever achieved the billion dollar revenue milestone this quickly. This is a tribute to the global appeal of the  Call of Duty franchise, the exceptional talent at Treyarch and the hundreds of extraordinary people across our many Call of Duty studios including Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer that work tirelessly on the franchise.  Our ability to provide the most compelling, immersive  entertainment experience, and enhance it with regular, recurring content that delivers hundreds of hours of audience value, has allowed Call of Duty to continue to set sales and usage records.”

Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Call of Duty don’t quit!

Some people have dope fucking jobs. Photographer Dan Saelinger was tasked by Fortune Magazine to come up with a shoot based around the concept of gaming’s demise. Dan elaborates on his blog:

We came up with a concept to incorporate still and video footage of exploding consoles and controllers, particularly Xbox 360′s, for the story. The shoot took place at a pyrotechnics studio in Brooklyn called J and M Special Effects. The location was great because they have a permanent NYC explosives permit as well as a pyrotechnician on staff. Below is a behind the scenes video of the initial set up.

The result is gorgeous. Hit the jump for a video of an Xbox 360 exploding in slow motion. For PS3 fanboys, it’s probably orgasmic. To me it’s just very, very cool.

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