[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Originally, I thought it would have been a simple matter of hooking up some crazy shit to an obsolete model of automobile, using plutonium for fuel, and hoping for the best. But that wasn’t the case at all. Well, the plutonium was needed, but not the rest of that stuff.

The mission at hand was one without precedent. Therefore, I felt the need to pursue a train of thought that would not only challenge my sensibilities, but the sensibilities of the entire scientific community. I needed to learn a lot about physics, redefine even more, and do it in as short amount of time as possible. I find myself now laughing at that last qualifier, realizing how my success completely negates its importance. Nevertheless, I felt that I had to have the minds of the most brilliant few at my very whim.

My inability to squeeze a female breast in high school may not have been the cause, but it certainly correlated positively with my ability to choose any collegiate program of my liking. In the end, I decided to take MIT up on their offer of direct admission into their PhD program for Experimental/Condensed Matter Physics. And while Cambridge proved to be Boston’s pretentious and unbelievably socially retarded twin, it was my enrollment in this institution that has led me to my current destination.

So, if any of my professors or mentors from MIT are reading this, I offer two messages:
1)           Thanks for all the help.
2)           Fuck you, I did it.

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Over my semester break, I rediscovered my love for reading. Particularly of funny books. It’s a hell of a thing. Reading, you know? I do a lot of reading every year. I read thousands upon thousands of pages and churn out limitless lines of bullshit in classes in front of my fellow graduate students.

I consume novels and puke up rhetoric about them without so much as a thought. I am a well-oiled analytical machine. But I don’t love it. Actually, maybe I do. But it’s a different sort of love. The thrill of finding an argument you want to make, and then meticulously building it in your head.

For as much as everything I blog about is off the cuff and retarded and unedited, the academic bullshit I pen is painstakingly agonized over in my brain. The lead-up to a term paper is countless hours driving in my car, staring out the window, and thinking.

Zoning out, forever, into the distance. It’s how I shut down the grind of the world, the din of the noise factories. Websites, Twitter, sports talk radio. It all melts away as I drive and contemplate.

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Natalie Portman is pregnant and engaged to some choreographer. But before she transforms into a fat housewife she was nice enough to pose topless for this Miss Dior perfume ad. Consider this the final testament of how awesome she used to be. I guess Harvard doesn’t teach you that kids ruin everything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAGE! Yes, the world’s greatest actor turned 47 last Friday, which also happened to be Season of the Witch‘s opening day. Cage had this to say about the combination birthday/premiere:

“I’ve never had a movie open on my birthday before. We’ll see what the movie gods wanna do about it.” (via)

Well *ahem* the movie gods must have been sleeping because SotW got shit reviews (including from me). January is always a dismal month for movies. It’s when studios infamously dump out the leftover projects after awards season is over. But I have a very good feeling about next month’s Drive Angry. VERY good.

So besides bumming on SotW, it’s an exciting week at Cage Match. Yesterday I posted a video on YouTube that was currently unavailable. It’s some rare shit and Devin at BadAss Digest first posted yesterday. I hope you all get a kick out of it. I did. We also get the dish on why Michel Gondry is a moron and a chance to revisit Christoper Coppola’s classic Deadfall on Netflix. Let’s go!

Season of the Witch Is a Silly, Silly Movie; Inspires a Lousy Critic

The long awaited release of SotW came over the weekend. It made a noble $11 million but garnered truly abysmal reviews   – including our very own. It currently has a 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and while cruising some of its bad press, I discovered a critic who may possibly be six-years-old. Seriously:

This is the puffy-faced Nic Cage.  The one who fights for Christ and Little Debbies and not necessarily in that order. (Editor’s note – WTF does this mean?)

Before the opening credits roll, it’s clear that Season of the Witch should have been called Season of the Which Way out of this Theater?

“I wish I had that big red fist from Hellboy now,” said Perlman.  ”But I left it up  Guillermo del Toro’s ass.”

His entire “review” is made up of zingers like the ones above. You’ll laugh until it HURTS!

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I’m goddamn tired of all the Batman 3/The Dark Knight Rises/Bruce Wayne Runs Like Hell rumors. Can we get some concrete fucking casting news? No? We have to rummage through rumors like pigs through shit? Okay, okay. Better than nothing.

Importantly, tonight we may have confirmation of the character of my wet dreams, Talia Al Ghul. Raise the roof!

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Directed by Twilight Zone veteran Ted Post and written by schlock scribe Abe Polsky, The Baby is a standout of ’70s unhinged depravity. I saw it for the first time last year through Cinemageddon, an obscure movie lover’s wet dream website. Last week, schlock film distributors extraordinaires Severin Films announced that they will be rereleasing The Baby. It was originally released on DVD in 2005. I’m not sure of the quality of that one, but judging from Severin’s treatment of Psychomania and Hardware, The Baby is going to get the primo-fucking release it deserves. Trust me when I say you’ve never seen anything like it.

It’s not gory or sexually explicit. It didn’t push the limits of the film censors. And, surprisingly, it’s not the film’s premise that shocks. The sight of a 30-year-old man dressed and acting like a baby seems to shock very little people – even in the film. For me, it’s the twist at the end that left me open-mouthed as well as the well-executed ingredients sprinkled over this exploitation romp.

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Every Tuesday I post a section of my novella DEFEAT. While I think the readership of OL would be interested in a science fictional tale guaranteed to end with the hero killing himself at the nexus of his reality, I know that there’s skepticism about the value of any fiction appearing on the `net. Whatevs, bro!

However, every episode of DEFEAT. is accompanied by a piece of gorgeous art by my pal Brian Galiano. I’ve given him free reign to do whatever he wants – every Tuesday I just check my email – and the results have been fantastic.

Hit the jump to check out all of the art that Bri has submitted thus far!

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I’m just a fan.

That’s the truth of it. Maybe you already know this. But as I said, that’s the truth of it. I don’t know if it’s a bad thing, or if it’s a good thing. To aspire to be nothing more than a fan. At this point in my life, at this point in the site’s life, maybe it isn’t even worth reflecting upon.

I’m just a fan.

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Today, it’s my birthday. Twenty-eight years spent spinning along with this blue marble. Twenty-eight years of good memories, and entropy. Can’t defy the laws, I have it under good authority the Universe can’t even trip the life immortal. Oh well, so it goes. A fantastic twenty-eight years.

My birthday is not impressive. I am a dot on a blip on a relativistic scale. As someone who thinks on a far more cosmic scale, I’ve found myself thinking bigger. Larger. Over the holidays, I started thinking about the upcoming New Year, my upcoming birthday. I began mulling over the simple, obvious, yet entertaining notion: what exactly is a year?

Not in the sense of memories, or moments cobbled together in the illusory concept of self-experience and identity. But rather, what exactly is a year?

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Welcome to the first Cage Match of 2011, dear readers. Last week we posted two days late due to the holidays and stomach flu, but the tides of Nicolas are now calm and we’re back on schedule. If I look like I’m glowing this week, it’s because Season of the Witch comes out this Friday! I haven’t experienced Cage on the big screen since his turn as Big Daddy in Kick Ass, so I’m stoked. January releases almost certainly suck, but I love Cage and the Black Death so look for my review on Friday!

The majority of the news this week concerns Season of the Witch, but being a Cage bloodhound I managed to find some other nuggets, including the streaming of a forgotten Cage gem on Netflix. Let’s do this damn thing.

AP Talks Season of the Witch With Cage; His Horse’s Name Was Dali

Cage recently sat down with AP and talked about some of his horse training for Season of the Witch. Just like his during his interviews for Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Cage says that he’s been waiting to play this role since he was a boy. First he dreamed of shooting plasma out of his hands now he says he dreamed of being a knight. I kid, I bet he did.

Cage makes it point to say that his horse on Season of the Witch was named Dali, like Salvador. Because when he first said it I thought “Dolly” which is the name of his right testicle. Only hardcore fans know that.

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