[Enlarge.]

Cocaine Bear isn’t foolin’ around, and I love him for that. This creation of crack-fueled ferocity is brought to the world by Jon Defreest, who is clearly in touch with the wonderhorrors of us all.

Via.

[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

[translated from German]
17 Oktober 1944
Hurtgenwald

Father,
Up until this point I have wholly hearted treated the Hitler Adolf’s plans as the gospel and felt secure. Every mission I have been on has been a most successful triumphant. In the last week alone I have killed ten Amerikans myself. They are swift and dutiful, surely wishing to derail our plans for the Ardennes Offensive. But we are well-minded and well-suited; with my 9mm Luger the Amerikans are but targets of practice.

It is the perfect weapon with which their ideologies can be blown to death whispers.

Keep Reading »

Droogies! What the fuck is up? Caffeinated Powered straight up on your grill piece tonight. You may have noticed the lack of updates as of lately? To be honest, you probably haven’t. To the two dedicated followers: what the fuck is up? How was your holiday season? Was Jesus Claus kind to you? Word? Excellent. Glad to hear it.

My holiday days were marked by time spent with family, friends, and material excess that would blow your asshole off its hinges. I haven’t even frequented the internet since Friday evening, and it felt fucking great. I shouldn’t say that when I know that traffic is GOD and traffic is generated through content. But what can you do? I feel fucking fresh. Haven’t done school work in a week. Ripped to the tits off of caffeine, spending good time talking mush-mouth nonsense with Rendar.

You get the two of us in a house together and it isn’t going to amount to much.

We broke the best month ever a couple of weeks ago. Shit is going swimmingly. The end of the year is approaching, but if I have anything to say about it, 2011 will be looking very Omega. Latex porn references! Juvenility! Can’t stop! Wont’ stop.

So yeah, token filler bullshit post, letting you know that Us Three Invalids haven’t gone anywhere. I know the Coop is currently in his homestate, Frakenstein is ingesting ludicrous amounts of coffee and Twain autobio, and myself? I’m here, I’m queer, love me!   I’ve been spending time with Ms. Caffeine Powered. But she’s returning to work tomorrow, having stayed home today for Snowpocalypse 2010. So it’s all systems go tomorrow. Guard your asshole, say your prayers, and shake your head.

Xoxoxo Assholes,

Lieutenant Puerile.

There’s no shortage of Christmas myths. Rudolph the alcoholic and his bright red nose. The magic baby born in a dirty barn. The successful parrying of a Martian kidnapping.

But have you ever heard about the time that Jack Frost and the Grinch tried to murder Santa? Something tells me you haven’t. But now you can.

Lo and behold, a sing-a-long version of the soon-to-be holiday classic:

Salutations. Welcome to Spaceship Omega. We are currently orbiting the Intangible Wunderverse, pausing to observe and report. Our environment is sustained off of lewd comments, caffeinated beverages, popculture references, and lots of comic books. Happy as fuck to have you with us today. The space-steward or stewardess will be by momentarily to make sure your stay aboard the ship is pleasant. They’ll be offering you your preferred services, cultured from psychic imaging and personality analytics.

Here’s some reports from the preferred satellites.

—-

Hoe Moaners’ Holiday
“Me and the Night Slugs decided to strike out on a crisp winter’s evening and take some night shots of some of the houses within my immediate kill zone. My blast radius, if you will.”

—-

No black dudes, bring your own TV
“Now, this guy is FUCKING SERIOUS about his COD LAN Party. No getting your dick out, if you bring weed, bring enough for everybody. Jesus, what do you think he is, man, Some sort of fucking TV Outlet!?”

—-

It’s been proven: You’re either a hypocrite or delusional
“I love it when science explains why human beings are awful. A recent set of experiments proves the punishment you dole out to people is always worse than what they did to you.”

2011 preview: Expect Earth’s twin planet
“Earthlings will surely thrill at finding their planetary double: our calculation suggests the discovery could happen next year.”

—-

Quote of the day | President Obama’s Spider-Sense is tingling
“Sounds like he won’t be crumpling his sensible suit and tie in the trash and saying “President No More!” anytime soon.”

—-

Behold the Power of the Blood Qu’ran!
“I mean…I don’t even know where to start with this thing. Apparently in the 90′s Saddam Hussein decided he had to up his evil ante, and what’s more weird/perverse than etching a major religious text in blood?”

Hello there, dear readers. Welcome again to Cage Match, the innernet’s only column solely concerned with Nicolas Cage. We want what you want: to be able to catch up with Cage without having to scour the world wide bowels of information. So, you’re welcome.

This week there’s some new Drive Angry goods: an international trailer and an interview with director Patrick Lussier. There’s also some info on Cage’s planned trip to India and a Blu-Ray release date for a classic early Cage flick.

I apologize for the lack of insight and fart jokes this week, we here at Cage Match HQ are caught up in the holiday rush and have to catch a plane to the Garden State in a little bit. Here’s hoping your holidays are filled with family, friends, laughs, and CAGE!

UK International Drive Angry Trailer; Get Behind Nic Cage, Devil

Put your jealousy caps on, you stinking limeys, Summit Entertainment has dropped the UK International trailer for Drive Angry. It seems we not only won our independence from your taxing, pig King George III, we also won the privilege of seeing Nicolas Cage movies two weeks before you redcoats.

I’m pretty stoked for this one. It looks balls-out ridiculous and for chrissakes it’s the first time Nic Cage is in 3D. Now I care about 3D.

Drive Angry Director Talks Drive Angry

In an interview with MovieFone, director Patrick Lussier talks about collaborating with Cage, his reboot of the Hellraiser series, and what it’s like to destroy s many classic cars. On the subject of Cage, Lussier says:

One of the key things for Nic when we were talking about the movie was specifically how he’d play stricter in terms of the tone of the character. Working within that framework, which he loved — he said he’d never played a character that was this hard and this cold and this relentless. And even within that, Nic found the humanity of the character and brought it out; even more-so than on the page. He really found the human charm of this murderer that you root for and made him positively likeable, which was really key in bringing him to the story.

India Is About to Get Awesome

The Times of India reports that Cage is heading to India in January to promote The Season of the Witch. India is a huge market that remains relatively untapped by Hollywood. Cage’s visit is an attempt to begin chipping away at that market. There’s already a language barrier, so I’m sure Cage spouting off his usual esoteric musings mixed with samurai philosophy is bound to blow the roof off India.

Moonstruck Coming to Blu-Ray in February 2011

Now you can relieve the amazing “I lost my hand” in gorgeous Blu-Ray. The classic Cage/Cher collabo from 1987 is coming to Blu-Ray on Feb. 15, 2011.

[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

The car stopped just long enough for Daryl to explode out of its passenger door. As eager as he was to get into school with enough time to return 8-Bit’s copy of The Dark Knight Falls, Daryl’s mother was twice as eager to see Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel interview whoever. And so the Volvo screeched, peeling out just as Mrs. Millar’s foot told it to.

This provided the man in the gray trench coat the voyeuristic advantage that had eluded him the previous morning. The man got an unencumbered look at the accelerating teen. And since Daryl had no clue that he was being watched, the man in the trench coat afforded himself the luxury of peeking over the top of the sunglasses that barely rested on the tip of his nose. “Yes,” he muttered to himself in near-disbelief, “this is exactly right. It’s so surreal. No, no, that’s not it. Just real.”

From the trench coat a ratty spiral bound journal was removed by a slightly trembling hand. The spy, now seemingly aware that others may question his lurking, scribbled his notes quickly. Returning the journal to the safety of his oversized coat, he snuck behind the bushes and out of the scene.

At the same time, 8-Bit was admiring the graffiti and clever bits of vandalism adorning the inside of his locker.

Where’s the beef?
Charlotte gives good head
Led Zep rokks!

Keep Reading »

Hold it now, wait a minute, just let me catch my breath. Fall semester’s over, and I’m positively jubilant. Made it through a gauntlet of swinging axes, motorized chainsaws, and ovulating desperate women with elephantiasis of the labia. Grad school man, not like it used to be. I’m excited man, excited.

I’m in my sweatpants! Just straight kicking it. Snow is falling, Santa Claus is assuredly preparing his run, and there is scant hours before I’m nestled up to my future-wife. Is time linear? Is God watching? Is he outside time? Has he already seen my children? Are they awesome? Can someone tell me? Aquinas? Anselm? Descartes? Bueller?

I was reading some Zero History by Billy Gibson when the sudden urge to just type hit me. So here I am. Nothing really to say. But most of the time it’s like “Oh hey! Check out X thing that is totally happening! Here I compare it to some sort of genital squirting into some sort of farm animal! LOL! I tell jokes!” It’s different when I’m not strung out on Diet Mountain Dew trying to post a news article as quickly as possible. Or staring at a deadline approaching as I try to cobble together five things in the video game world.

Keep Reading »

For the second Christmas Creep in a row, I’m putting my foot in my mouth. When I pitched the Creep to the fearless leaders of OL, I told them I would be writing up the shittiest, most painful Christmas specials/movies. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and blew my load on the premiere installment, Christmas With the Turtles. Is that like Icarus? It doesn’t matter. What I mean is that after that first article, I keep accidentally watching AWESOME Christmas jams! It’s a Christmas miracle (which I didn’t think was possible since I’m engaged to a Jew). Earlier this week I enjoyed the hell out of Max Headroom’s Giant X-Mas Turkey and yesterday, over a Diet Coke and toast, Santa With Muscles (1996) tickled my bad-good movie bone. And my pecs.

Hulk Hogan plays a militaristic, millionaire grinch who gets knocked out during a mall debacle and wakes up thinking he’s Santa. He befriends the residents of an orphanage – including a 13-year-old Mila Kunis – and helps them wreck some plot by nefarious developers to shut down their facility. Along the way there’s singing, inept figt scenes, and explosive crystals. Yes, explosive crystals. Needless to say, it’s awesome.

Directed by John Murlowski, a volunteer at the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center hotline *record scratch* Say wha? Hold up. I’m sure his noble activity as a suicide hotline volunteer has nothing to do with shame over the films he’s directed. Moving on, this movie is the perfect storm of ’90s cheese with a Hulkamania cherry on top. Hogan was on fire in the first half of the ’90s. Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, and the Thunder in Paradise trilogy. Near the tail-end of this streak is Santa With Muscles, his movie-fart swan song, so to speak.

The “film” also stars Ed Begley, Jr. as an evil scientist and Clint Howard as a mall cop. As mentioned earlier, a 13-year-old Mila Kunis plays an orphan and in a weird twist of TV Fate, her future castmate on That ’70s Show Don Stark plays Lenny the Elf. Fellow WWF superstar Brutus the Barber Beefcake has an entirely too brief cameo as a thug but it’s Hogan who carries this turd on his shoulders like Atlas. And Icarus. Atlas and Icarus. I guess

This might be the perfect Christmas Hangover movie. There’s enough cheese to enjoy and enough crap to enjoy heckling with your pals. Consider hunting this down online before you channel surf for some more traditional X-Mas flick.

WARNING: Performing an image search for “santa with muscles” will open up a Pandora’s Box of porn that I’m guessing does not fall into our readers’ preferred spank material.

Welcome back, carnivores of taste, to another edition of Cage Match, the only weekly column in the universe completely dedicated to Nicolas Cage. In last week’s exciting episode, we were visited by Mr. Cage’s brother, Christopher Coppola. We were honored to have Mr. Coppola, aka the DigiVangelist, who visited our comments section and turned out to be even cooler than he looks in his pictures. That was definitely a watershed moment in my fandom.

But let’s stay grounded and get back to the task at hand: reporting awesome Nic Cage related shit. The biggest nugget dropped yesterday when a video hit the net of Cage exhibiting some real-life Cage Rage outside of a nightclub in Bucharest. I’ve heard people yell some pretty wild shit when they get furious, but Cage takes it to another level. He could have been a speech writer for the Ultimate Warrior. There’s some more Season of the Witch clips, the lowdown on a confirmed new role, and tax drama, Cage-style!

Real Life Cage Rage Outside of a Bucharest Nightclub

If you thought his on-screen insanity was impressive, you should see how Cage throws down in real life. He’s in Romania finishing up photography on Ghostrider 2 and a couple days ago he verbally bitch slapped a man outside of a Bucharest nightclub. By “bitch slap” I mean he went on a tirade and yelled things like:

“You know it! So do not try to escape! Otherwise, you kill me? F**k you! I die in honor! I could die right now! Want to hit me?”

“Look in my eyes! I’m not a liar! That man is a liar!”

“Get in the car! I’ll die in the name of honor!”

…and people say chivalry is dead. No reports yet on what set Cage off but the guy probably deserved it. Now, will some computer savvy individual please re-edit the classic Cage Rage video to include this song. (via FilmDrunk)

Mo’ Cage news after the break!

Keep Reading »