Did you know that every minute of every day, roughly 167 thousand people around the world are having sex?  Rough as an estimate, not as in the aggressiveness of the intercourse.  Does this number seem high?  Low?  Depressing?  Invigorating?  Whatever the case, people around the world – RIGHT NOW – are waking up neighbors with throaty moans, or shouting to whatever god they pray to in ecstasy and existential bliss, or trying to figure out what goes where, but generally having a good time doing the one thing humans do best:  screw.  It took me nearly a minute to put these first couple of sentences together, and sadly, I was not engaging in sex.  I was coming up with a batch of comics from this week’s shipping list that look tasty enough to buy and recommend to you guys and gals.  So hit the jump and let’s chat about comics, sex, and sexy comics!

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As I write this, it is very early morning, and the world is quiet.  The day’s caffeine long worn off, the exhilaration of the Breaking Bad marathon I’ve been in the middle off is the only thing that keeps me up this late.  Oh, and this column.  For those of you not in the know, this is the virtual campfire we comic-ingesting fangirls and boys gather round, debating and discussing, ranking and rating the best and brightest funnybooks to come out each week.  What has got you jazzed for Wednesday (the comic-nerd’s Holy day)?  Has DC’s Villain-palooza got you frothing?  Has the Marvel Event-festival torn your psyche and wallet in twain?  Have no clue what the fudgsicle even comes out this week???  Hit the jump and have all these questions answered, and more!

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One of the great things about comics is the medium’s penchant for reinterpretation and reinvention.  An endless catalogue of characters, fictitious and real, lie dormant in old books and film, waiting for another chance to tell their story.  Hit the jump and let’s discuss a few of those appearing in comics this week, and I PROMISE I won’t make another crappy Die Hard reference!

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So you might be wondering why the hell a nearly 20-year-old film about cartoons and basketball is headlining this column about weekly comic books.  You might then also wonder how the hell 20 years have gone by so fast.  And why hasn’t there been a sequel…ya know, with Lebron and Jason Sudeikis in the lead roles?  This would lead you to then ask yourself if you could write the script.  Concluding that it is either you or no one else, you then set out to do so.  You hit up tumblr for some reference material on Looney Tunes.  You quickly spiral down the rabbit hole of ALL OF THE BUTTS WONDERLAND, emerging days later, pants around ankles, achy, groggy.  Your unfinished (unstarted) script gives you the stinkeye with its ever-blinking cursor.  You realize where the 20 years have gone.

Hit the jump and let’s pass the time between tumblr sessions, talk funnybooks, bond as humans.

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Hey, kids!  So it’s Wednesday, and I assume we’ve all calmed down after flipping our collective shits from the pop-culture orgy/last-train-to-nowhere that is the VMAs.  I’m old, and pop music gets me all kinds of jaded, but the VMAs still managed to teach me a lesson:  America THRIVES on nostalgia, even nostalgia that isn’t even 20 years old (see the above pic).  I, myself, am currently gushing over an “event” book that, when boiled down to its essentials, is nothing more than a comic scientifically engineered to tickle my 12-year-old pickle.  Thanos is my Justin Timberlake.  N’Sync are my Infinity Gems.  Comic books, particularly superhero ones, are every bit as nostalgic and regressive as the boy-bands and teen vixens of pop music.  So while I scoff at the proles going batshit over 10 year old hooks sang by grown men with receding hair lines trying their damndest to recreate moves no thirtysomething should have to attempt (looking at you Fat One), I massage my own nostalgia-boner to pretty pictures of ageless Avengers saddling up for one last ride into the aether in a story not quite called Infinity Gauntlet 2:  The Soich For More Money, but may as well be.

Say my name!  “Hypocrite.”  You’re goddamned right.

So hit the jump and let’s get nostalgic, shall we?

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Yo, yo, yo!  Since Breaking Bad has started back up, I find myself only talking in Jesse-isms.  Not such a crippling affliction, but I may call one, or all of you, bitches.  I offer an apology in advance.  But that’s not why you all are here.  You’re here for this week’s batch of comics, funnybooks, trade paperbacks, graphic novles, and other sorts of expensive nonsense that tickles us in our respective bathing suit areas.  Or maybe just our brains.  I still wear a swim cap, so I can count that as both.  Hit the jump and let’s discuss!

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Another week, another batch of funnybooks.  Hit the jump for more of my words, plus a special guest host!

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Hey, folks!  Johnny here, back again for another week of slingin’ philosophical about my favorite pastime!  Looking at this week’s releases, I was amazed at just how much great non-superhero fare there is to be read currently.  Not in a long time have I felt that the variety of books is SO great and SO varied, that it is the perfect time to introduce comics to friends and loved ones who might like comics, but maybe just don’t dig capes.  Here’s what I’d like to grab this week, and hit us up in the comments and tell us what you’re looking out for!

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I’m a liar.  A dirty, rotten scoundrel!  A nerf-herder of the highest proportion.  To find out why, hit the jump and let’s talk this week’s funnybooks!

“What the hell is Señor Hotsauce on about this week?” is the question pursed on everyone’s lips.  Or, it should be.

Simple.

I’ve been seeing my “ex” behind OL’s back.  In fact, I never left my ex.  I know I told you guys we could come here and talk comics in lieu of  going mobile and hitting up your local comic shop, but I just couldn’t stay away.  I love my comic shop, but I dig you guys, too!   So, if you’ll still have me, I’m gonna try and spread that love (and opinions on my favorite books this week) at both joints, and I urge you to do the same!  Sally-fucking-forth, comic nerds!

In fact, do me a favor and give a shout out to your LCS.  They deserve the attention.  Comic Book University in Greenwood, IN is where I hang my pull list.  Good folks who keep the new releases well stocked and the snark to a loving 11.  (Also:  ComiXology has a “virtual store” for participating joints, so that they, too, can get in on the digital-age action.  So make sure you ask your LCS if they’re involved.  It sends some coin their way and is at no additional cost to you, the consumer.)

Enough with the handjobbery!  What’s poppin’ off today?

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Johnny Hotsauce here! Longtime listener, first time caller. Or whatever. So I did it! I incepted myself into Caff-Pow’s brain, convinced him it was time to let me bother you nice folks in a more official capacity. (Basically I just drew my face on a can of Kickstarter, stuck it in his mind-safe when he was busy looking at butts on Tumblr)

With the dawn of the digital-age of comic books, Comixology has, in many cases, done away with our need to go to the comic book store. But, as Caff-Pow has so lamented before, something feels amiss. Where, now, is the camaraderie? Where can we go to talk comics? Where can we shoot the four-color-fantastic with like-minded geeks? Who will be there to help us decide how to spend our hard-earned coin? HERE. Right here at OL, friends. Here is our chance to talk shop, compare notes on the best comics this week has to offer. This column has too long lay dormant, but like any comic book hero you ever loved, death is no obstacle.

So, without further preamble, let’s do the damned thing! (And I’m on a budget here, people, so if I don’t mention your most beloved book, I implore you to speak up in the comments and share your love!)

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