The hits just keep coming with Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon. Not only is there less than a month until this game’s cyber-arm will blast our gaming G and P-spots, but the fucking game is starring none other than Kyle Reese. Can you feel my nipples hardening from there? I’m carving your name in ice with them. I love you. Let us love this game together.

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Come one, come all into your one-stop for today’s collection of Nextbox rumors. Most significant is the seeming confirmation that we won’t be getting a reveal of Microsoft’s new money-maker until May. Son of a bitch. Previous rumors had pointed towards this month, but for whatever reason it shant come to pass. My guess on the delay? I propose that Steve Ballmer is still scraping the remains of that errant Microsoft creative director who trolled fans off the walls of Microsoft’s floating fortress. You ever see that guy go full Scanners on an employee? It’s terrifying.

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Yeah, total rip-off of the Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon premise for the article title. I can’t help it. That game has my tits a-twitter in ways that are normally relegated to the seedier portions of my tumblr dashboard. How are you doing this Monday? I am well, thank you for asking. Here on April the 8, it is going to climb to nearly sixty degrees in my neck of the Empire. That warmed clime is itself enough to make me smile. This is Monday Morning Commute, and herein are the things on my mind this week. Arts, farts, et cetera.

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Jesus titty-fucking a kangaroo, this is dumb. We’re not even a year removed from Avengers fighting X-Men fighting Tediousness, and we have DC doing their best imitation of the Event. Oh sure I’m sure there will be marginal differences, but come on. Come onnn. The only thing more played out than the ennui-inducing concept of a super team is having those teams that populate a company’s universe fighting one another.

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Here. Have some Captain America: The Winter Soldier details on this fine Monday. Wash them down with an official photo.

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You know what sucks? Devices that aren’t perpetually connected to the Internet. And do you know who sucks? That’s right, the kind of pricks that don’t have flawless connections and maybe even live in rural areas. I mean, seriously, where the fuck do those guys get off? This, ladies and gentlemen, is the future of video game customer relations, courtesy of Microsoft. Prepare your anus, and start saving for that PS4, because Microsoft are so unbelievably cool that they don’t even want your business. Yeah, #dealwithit.

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Watch out, asteroids. Your days of romping about the space neighborhood with unfettered access shall soon be over. Uncle Sam is aiming NASA at its next goal, and it is to capture an asteroid. It ain’t exactly Mars, but….I don’t know. Yay?

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Come at me, Whedonites! I don’t know this August Ricky guy that Whedon has cast for S.H.I.E.L.D. So yeah, is this guy a good actor? Are you excited? Make me feel something! The medicine can’t! The repetitious smacking of my testicles with a boxing glove filled with jelly can’t. Make me. Feel something.

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The latest clip from Iron Man 3 has Tony Stark giving away his home address to The Mandarin. Pretty much exactly the sort of thoughtless, boisterous nonsense you’d get from an egomaniac. Here’s hoping the movie makes him feel the repercussions.

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Yeah, I don’t really care about what is becoming of Bryan Singer’s Fuck You You Don’t Reboot the X-Men, Until I Say So sequel to X-Men: Not Really the First Class. However, because I love you, I’m passing this along in case you do. You can repay me with nudies and a twelver of Diet Dew.

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