#March2014

Google removes underlined links. My teenage spirit wails.

The Internet!

Google has gone ahead and removed the underlined links from their search results. It’s a knife into the gut of my teenage years. Such links! So Geocities. Fuck, man. Time waits for no one, especially the Old Internet. Where format was madness, everyone had a website with their own noodlings, and I could find a fucking link by looking for the underlined text.

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Google buys Artificial Intelligence company. Our cyber overlords gain power.

Wintermute.

Google is our forthcoming Cyber Over-Lords. Eradicating privacy, buying robot armies, challenging death, and now harnessing the power of Artificial Intelligence. It’s game over man, but who knows. Maybe they’ll give us cookies and milk and pat us on the head.

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GOOGLE and YOUTUBE making a run at NFL SUNDAY TICKET? Just Imagine

Randy!

Yesterday’s big buzz was that Google’s Lead Czar was talking to the Powerful Guy from the NFL about some sort of nexus-connection. At the center of this buzz was the idea that through some wondrous developments we all don’t deserve NFL Sunday Ticket could come to YouTube.

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WAY TO BE A DICK. GOOGLE ADDS NUTRITIONAL INFO to over 1,000 search results.

Yum yum.

Google, you big giant fuck. There is no way I need handy reminders of just how fat I am being, okay? If I’m searching “triple cheese burger”, you don’t need to calculate the caloric content of said flesh-beast. And don’t give me that noise about the results only coming up if I search “how many calories are in a triple cheese burger”, because my search is only perfunctory.

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Google’s mysterious SAME-DAY DELIVERY SERVICE may have snagged Target.

Ohgodohgodohgod.

How do you take down Amazon, the Titan of Online Shopping? First, you have to be enormous. Google big. Second, you have to pull off what they have not managed. Same-day delivery. It appears that in order to do so, Google has claimed quite the considerable ally.

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SEATTLE BAR becomes first join to ban GOOGLE GLASS. No word on fire, or the wheel.

Max Headroom.

Props to frequent member of the community Cacophonous Kevos for bringing this to my attention. A bar out in Seattle has already banned Google Glass. You know, the AR glasses that aren’t really out in the public yet. Their reasoning works on a certain level, but I can’t get behind it. We need to embrace the disembracement of the flesh-sac! C’mon, folks. Let us transcend this mortal bodies. Or at least be allowed to wear glasses so we can stare at bums on tumblr in our tech-goggles whilst drinking a pint. Right?

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French ISP ‘ORANGE’ charging Google to send traffic over its network.

Ain’t this a bitch! That French ISP is charging Google to send traffic over its network. Ain’t that a tart blast of citrus to the eyes? Oh man. I don’t know. I really wanted to work in some sort of metaphor there, after promising myself I wouldn’t run on some socialism schtick. Eh. Whatever. Read the fucking post. If you want.

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Google: F**k paswords. Let’s use an ID ring. Me: UH OKAY.

UNITYYY. MOFUCKAHS.

Fuck yeah, I want to use an ID ring to log into my kink.com account! Ain’t nothing going to make me feel more balling as I watch grown-ass males get their bottoms whipped by grown-ass females than if I did so through the magic of my own Green Lantern identification ring. This is the future, and I like it.

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Google chairman making private trip to North Korea. Obvious Illuminati meeting.

Google chairman Eric Schmidt (if that is his real name) is making a private trip to North Korea. This can mean only one (obvious) thing. The Illuminati are meeting up at a new base to discuss their global sterilization techniques via water fertilization, and they need to make sure the global search engine and Skynet progenitor is on board. Right? I can’t be misreading this thing, can I?

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Microsoft planning their own ‘PROJECT GLASS’ equivalent. Errbody in AR goggles!

Microsoft is no stranger to scrambling to keep up with Google and Apple. It’s like, their forte at this point. New patents have revealed that the Gang that Says “Oh Yeah!” is dipping their toes in the AR goggles arena. In the future you won’t be cool unless you’re scrolling through tumblr starring at furry jizz shots on your glasses’ HUD while at a football game. It has been foreseen.

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