Google creates new parent company, “Alphabet”


Google has evolved, folks. The SkyNet creating, immortality seeking, data devouring nightmare machine (and producer of really neat products, and a sweet search engine) has created a new parent company to oversee all of its machinations. Called Alphabet.

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Google contributing $1 F**KING BILLION to SpaceX


Google wants to bring SpaceX’s SATELLITE LAUNCHY-LAUNCH SPACE INTERNET TO LIFE. How do we know? Well, they just donated a fucking billion dollars to the endeavor.

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Amazon buying Twitch for $970 f**king million


Bet you thought Google had all that Twitch goodness tied-up, didn’t you? I certainly did, especially with Twitch’s new policies and shit smacking of draconian YouTube bullshit. But it appears that a new ch-ch-challenger has entered the capitalist arena, with Amazon winning the rights to Twitch. For $970 fucking million.

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Google patents a less clunky Google Glass design

Google Glass.

I’m a bit torn on Google Glass’ initial design. One half of me is like, “Yes, this is the clunky and obvious cyberpunk design of My Future.” The other half is like, “Yeah, I would never wear this in public.” Google seems to sense this rift in others and myself, and are working towards obscuring the technological magic that powers Glass from plain sight.

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Google spending $1 BILLION to cover Earth in Wi-Fi


Well, now we know how Skynet gets its dedicated fucking network. To spy upon us Meat-Husks and eradicate us from afar. Google is going to spend a billion dollars launching the future Robo-Net, under the guise of “helping out those without digital access.” Yeah. Okay.

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Google removes underlined links. My teenage spirit wails.

The Internet!

Google has gone ahead and removed the underlined links from their search results. It’s a knife into the gut of my teenage years. Such links! So Geocities. Fuck, man. Time waits for no one, especially the Old Internet. Where format was madness, everyone had a website with their own noodlings, and I could find a fucking link by looking for the underlined text.

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Google buys Artificial Intelligence company. Our cyber overlords gain power.


Google is our forthcoming Cyber Over-Lords. Eradicating privacy, buying robot armies, challenging death, and now harnessing the power of Artificial Intelligence. It’s game over man, but who knows. Maybe they’ll give us cookies and milk and pat us on the head.

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GOOGLE and YOUTUBE making a run at NFL SUNDAY TICKET? Just Imagine


Yesterday’s big buzz was that Google’s Lead Czar was talking to the Powerful Guy from the NFL about some sort of nexus-connection. At the center of this buzz was the idea that through some wondrous developments we all don’t deserve NFL Sunday Ticket could come to YouTube.

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WAY TO BE A DICK. GOOGLE ADDS NUTRITIONAL INFO to over 1,000 search results.

Yum yum.

Google, you big giant fuck. There is no way I need handy reminders of just how fat I am being, okay? If I’m searching “triple cheese burger”, you don’t need to calculate the caloric content of said flesh-beast. And don’t give me that noise about the results only coming up if I search “how many calories are in a triple cheese burger”, because my search is only perfunctory.

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Google’s mysterious SAME-DAY DELIVERY SERVICE may have snagged Target.


How do you take down Amazon, the Titan of Online Shopping? First, you have to be enormous. Google big. Second, you have to pull off what they have not managed. Same-day delivery. It appears that in order to do so, Google has claimed quite the considerable ally.

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