Yesterday’s big buzz was that Google’s Lead Czar was talking to the Powerful Guy from the NFL about some sort of nexus-connection. At the center of this buzz was the idea that through some wondrous developments we all don’t deserve NFL Sunday Ticket could come to YouTube.
Google, you big giant fuck. There is no way I need handy reminders of just how fat I am being, okay? If I’m searching “triple cheese burger”, you don’t need to calculate the caloric content of said flesh-beast. And don’t give me that noise about the results only coming up if I search “how many calories are in a triple cheese burger”, because my search is only perfunctory.
How do you take down Amazon, the Titan of Online Shopping? First, you have to be enormous. Google big. Second, you have to pull off what they have not managed. Same-day delivery. It appears that in order to do so, Google has claimed quite the considerable ally.
Props to frequent member of the community Cacophonous Kevos for bringing this to my attention. A bar out in Seattle has already banned Google Glass. You know, the AR glasses that aren’t really out in the public yet. Their reasoning works on a certain level, but I can’t get behind it. We need to embrace the disembracement of the flesh-sac! C’mon, folks. Let us transcend this mortal bodies. Or at least be allowed to wear glasses so we can stare at bums on tumblr in our tech-goggles whilst drinking a pint. Right?
Ain’t this a bitch! That French ISP is charging Google to send traffic over its network. Ain’t that a tart blast of citrus to the eyes? Oh man. I don’t know. I really wanted to work in some sort of metaphor there, after promising myself I wouldn’t run on some socialism schtick. Eh. Whatever. Read the fucking post. If you want.
Fuck yeah, I want to use an ID ring to log into my kink.com account! Ain’t nothing going to make me feel more balling as I watch grown-ass males get their bottoms whipped by grown-ass females than if I did so through the magic of my own Green Lantern identification ring. This is the future, and I like it.
Google chairman Eric Schmidt (if that is his real name) is making a private trip to North Korea. This can mean only one (obvious) thing. The Illuminati are meeting up at a new base to discuss their global sterilization techniques via water fertilization, and they need to make sure the global search engine and Skynet progenitor is on board. Right? I can’t be misreading this thing, can I?
Microsoft is no stranger to scrambling to keep up with Google and Apple. It’s like, their forte at this point. New patents have revealed that the Gang that Says “Oh Yeah!” is dipping their toes in the AR goggles arena. In the future you won’t be cool unless you’re scrolling through tumblr starring at furry jizz shots on your glasses’ HUD while at a football game. It has been foreseen.
Google is dropping knowledge bombs that should surprise approximately no one who reads any sort of tech-geek site. They are slathering us with the tots ph33r that our government is increasing its internet surveillance. Got to catch the bad guys! Watching furry porn.
I have no idea how the fuck this would happen, but I’m leaving that to the Internet Wizards. Please free me from the burden of remembering fifteen different logins across social networks, porn websites, and academic nosense. I beg you. Get it done Bray, you son of a bitch.