Fucking resent this trailer for Batman: Arkham Knight. This shit ain’t dropping any time soon, and Rocksteady goes and hangs this fucking stunning gameplay trailer on our heads. Or perhaps around our necks like the Noose called Time. We are just waiting. WAITING. The noose hanging. Heavily. Cutting into our skin. WAITING. For this stunning piece of shit to arrive.
Ooph! Ain’t this a fucking dazzling display of Europa’s surface. NASA space-wizards have done something-such beyond my means of comprehension to achieve this beauty. Assembling a variety of pictures and uh, processing and stuff. They can explain it better than I can.
How about a Star Wars flick that’s a heist movie? Well I say goddamn! Amazing. And I know. All Star Wars all the time around here. Listen, I’m sorry. Listen, just endure. I beg you. It won’t be like this always. But I have a tattoo of Salacious Crumb on my testicles and my middle name was legally changed to “Dag..Dagohbah…Daohgbahaha System?” because I liked Empire but couldn’t figure out the spelling. I was seven. So like this excitement and obsession is genetically encoded into me. This too shall pass. But until it does! FUCK.
It appears that Regal Cinemas just decided to fuck up my fanboy morning with anxiety. I was like, nine fucking theaters? One fucking chain? I was already planning fucking road trips and shit. But naw, they just dropped the news early. Multiple movie chains shall be carrying The Force Awakens’ first trailer. Thank fuck.
I mean. This has totally got to be playing into like, multiple fetishes. Right?
Oh Disney. You shit-ass. Debuting the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer in only nine Regal Cinemas. The closest one to me in NYC. Which means that if I want to see it, I’ll fittingly have to descend into the most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy I can imagine. I’m hoping, like, as Riff pointed out to me in response to a frantic text, that maybe these are just the Regal cinemas that are playing it?
Ya’ll want a teaser trailer for the Jurassic World teaser trailer? #INCEPTIONHORN?!?! Well, you fucking got it.
Confirmed! The Force Awakens is getting itself a fucking trailer this fucking week in fucking theaters. Rendar and I might live through the entire trailer. Or our hearts may give out. Our dicks break. Our juices exhaust themselves. Either way. A valiant death or a wonderful life. This news piggy backs on the rumor I covered yesterday — that the sumbitch is dropping next week in 100 theaters, running before every showing of every flick.
I’m glad that SyFy is once again taking space-opera seriously. (Even if Ascension isn’t necessarily the strict definition of a space-opera.) I’ve been jazzed about Syfy’s realignment focusing on non-suck, real shows since announcing that they’re adapting my beloved and amazing Expanse series. But fuck now this trailer has me enthused, too. Syfy, don’t play with me. Two potential space shows rocking? Hubba hubba.
Generally I troll Stephen King because Bateman and Rendar have both admitted to me under chemical duress that they’ve masturbated into copies of The Dark Tower. But I’m going to be the straight-man here. And far be it for me to critique what people jerk-off into. The Stand seems cool, but I haven’t read it. So I don’t know how to react to this news.