Listen. I fuck with Pepsi Cola Corporation hard. I mean, sometimes I say, “oh I got blood in my DIET DEW STREAM”, and then fucking hate myself for my lame jokes. But I swear! I swear to Zeus and Aphrodite if I got a Pepsi ad in the middle of rewatching Guardians for Galaxy for the Nth time I would frisbee that fucking TV off the first drunken, stumbling neighbor I could find.
I don’t know much about this Nielsen fucker. I just know he/she/it/entity/corporation seems pretty fucking backwards when it comes to judging a show’s popularity. So I’m glad Leslie Nielsen or whatever is finally fucking considering our Netflix habits, too. Measure this shit, Leslie. Save my shows. Get smart.
Asteroid Miners? FUCK YEAH. Space telescope? FUCK YEAH. YEAH! DRINK DEEP THE FUTURO-SPACE SALVE. Maybe humanity isn’t doomed! Or maybe this is just another form of humanity dooming itself through private enterprise. Depends on your perspective, ideology, and philosophical underpinnings. I suppose.
Okay, okay, okay. Let’s all move on from whining about Edgar Wright’s departure. Let’s all say the Serenity Prayer, burn our pre-made Ant-Man t-shirts, and look towards the future. ‘Cause that is what Edgar Wright is seemingly doing. And it’s what he’d want from us. (On top of burning our Ant-Man t-shirts.)
This is the fucking future I want. Or at least I think I want, gazing into my ceiling fan in the evening. Copy of Neuromancer resting on my belly. A vibrating Matrix-themed prostate massager doing its work in my love hole.
Chuck E. Cheese is getting on the fucking Oculus Rift wagon. But at this point, who the fuck isn’t? The company is going to use The Technology of the moment to create a virtual ticket blaster. Though for a kid’s place that amusement seems ill named.
This is real. But, you know. “When deep space exploration ramps up, it’ll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks.”
The future is now-now-now! Concerned about getting your fucking arm lopped off by your Dad in a lightsaber battle? Good fucking news! The inventor of the Segway has just gotten approval from the FDA for his mind-controlled prosthetic arm.
Ah, corporate hyperbole! I love this shit. Tell me all about your hopes and dreams, wizards of crafting press releases! Visionaries with too much money!, pepper me with your Future. And then give me my Snow Crash wet dream, okay?
Great news, Amazon Prime customers! (Hi!). Well, except for those Amazon Prime customers who have HBO (Hi!). The Prime Service has signed a deal with the Home Box Office to bring a litany of shows to their streaming service. The only caveat? Some select fucking shows aren’t offered. Like you know. Thrones. And True Detective. #SMH as they say.