Report: ‘Captain America: Civil War’ trailer debuting with ‘The Force Awakens’
This makes sense. Disney is propelling us into the apocalyptic monoculture, slowly accumulating our entire pop psyche for their benefit (and mine, #stockholder). So why not use the amazing largesse of corporate synergy that The Force Awakens presents as a means to promote another vessel?
New ‘The Force Awakens’ Images: Kylo Ren, Rey, Finn, Phasma, and more
‘The Force Awakens’ News: Gwendoline Christie is the Chrometrooper, ‘Captain Phasma’
Goddamn fucking yes.
‘AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON’ now shooting; ‘EPISODE VII’ begins in MAY.
Combining both of these non-news news reports into one Titanic Machination of Non-News. Why? ‘Cause I cannot wait for 2015. It’s going to have HUGE, HUGE fucking RAMIFICATIONS on my life. No! Not my marriage, you idiots. (Thought that’s happening. 6.6.2015. Write it down, boners.) Instead, two of the biggest movies I’ve ever sweated are dropping.
‘STAR WARS EPISODE VII’ PRODUCTION TITLE REVEALED. Shooting in August. Maybe.
Yum! Yum! Yum! I am the Star Wars swine! I gobble up every morsel of Star Wars news. Turn away appalled as I gnash my teeth, getting gristle and grease up and down my jowls. Turn away as I rub the remnants of the non-news all over my sores-besieged corpus in a state of near arousal.
‘STAR WARS REBELS’ LOGO, DETAILS, ART REVEALED. It’s a celebration, bitches.
Mofuckahs are partying over in Germany. All sorts of celebrating shit. You know, at that Jedi Gathering Thing. One of the things they’re raising the roof about is the official reveal of Star Wars Rebels.
‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’ CASTING BREAKDOWN hangs SEVEN MAJOR CHARACTER REVEALS
Thought I had shaken the Episode VII bug whilst gone? Kiss the blueberry pancakes dangling from my ass! Wait, what? So uh yeah, anyways. A casting breakdown for the flick has leaked, bringing with it seven major character descriptions. Better than that? A little honey on top of your boner? LucasFilmPeople have confirmed it to be legit.
‘STAR WARS: RECLAMATION’ is either NEW CARTOON or UTTER BUNK. What think you?
Here is a new Star Wars rumor. A sleuth upon the International Movie Database has uncovered a trove of documents purporting to detail the new cartoon in Uncle George’s Former Empire. Take a look at the deets, and then let me know what you think.
Carrie Fisher returning as Leia in ‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII.’ No s**t.
Like, we’re all pretty sure that the original Three Star Folk are going to be back for Episode I+IV+III, right? Is this news? Or just another excuse for me to masturbate into the empty shell of my Jar Jar Binks Pepsi can?
J.J. ABRAMS directing ‘STAR WARS: EPISODE VII’, I am sprung.
I bag on J.J. Abrams a lot, but I’m pretty fucking excited about this news. Homeboy isn’t an auteur or anything, but he is visually stunning, and more than competent. In 2015, we’re getting Whedon-powered Avengers 2, and Abrams-fueled Episode VII. Praise the Makers.