If you guys knew how fucking long it took me to make the gif above, you’d fucking roll your eyes. Like, way, way too long. Like, maybe twenty or thirty attempts. All so like six people can see the gif, one person can like it, and no one to hang out in the comments. But motherfuckers, sometimes you just gotta scratch that itch. Not in public, unless you got no qualms about digging ass in a crowd. And honestly? If you got no qualms, good for you.
I am no saint.
You see, I’m sure I’m known around the local gym as “the guy who absolutely rips ass on the elliptical machine” so I’m not one to judge. What, you want me to burn some k-cals with the bubble guts? Fuck that, dude. Especially since I can’t be stopping every time I rip ass to retire to the bathroom. On a Saturday? After a Friday night of debauchery? I’d never get anything done!
Live Fast. Rip Ass.
Live Fast. Eat Ass.
Two powerful, undeniable axioms.
Anyways, you’re not here to listen to me wax horny about analingus. I think? Regardless of the answer, the whole premise of this bitch is to share with you views from my world. Then I hope you’ll return serve in the comments section! I don’t know if you will, but I certainly hope so.
Can’t wait to take my fucking mask off, friends! Like, I get that it isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Maybe the end of 2021? But it feels more and more real with each passing day. You know? Here in the greatest state in the union they’re opening up vaccine eligibility to all starting April 19, and I’m fucking torqued. Gonna work them sign-up sites like I’m hunting for a goddamn PlayStation 5. I’m also hoping that I’ll have more success getting a vaccine appointment than everyone is having getting that fucking console. ‘Cause mamma mia, are PS5s hard to come by these days.
With the impending access to a vaccine, the sunny days, and the progression of the semester, I’m feeling good. Who knows if the vibe will last, but I’m just riding it right now. Why not, right?
So let’s hang out here together, my dudes! My friends! My comrades! Right here in the newest edition of Monday Morning Commute. What are you doing this week? What are you digging this week? I want to know! But first, I’ll show!
Are you ready? Whole squad’s ready! Forgive me from quoting the tune from The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’s Super Bowl trailer! I’m just so fucking pumped for this shit! As I’ve probably puked-up many times around these parts, Bucky is my favorite motherfucker in the MCU! Just an absolute unit of brooding, healthy male bonding, and gorgeous hair. How can you not love this motherfucker! It’s impossible, and now this son of a bitch is getting a co-starring role in the latest dollop of dashing MCU madness.
Stop making sense, motherfuckers! It’s overrated. t breaks down when you consider the big stuff, anyways. So kick sense to the curb, and go beyond the impossible! Or, at least post-up here with me for a bit. My name is Caffeine Powered and I’m the Captain of this Fucking Glorious Calamity. The Space-Ship Omega!
Most important to note is that your Captain is on Spring Break! A glorious temporary reprieve from the grind of Existential Worry, Remote Learning, and a Sleep Schedule. It explains why I’m so excessively caffeinated as of right now, and also why my guts are full of waffle fries and a cheeseburger on a weekday night.
Perhaps being on Spring Break can also explain why I’m a bit chipper tonight! But that can probably also be explained by the aforementioned caffeine, my persistent undulating waves of manic depression, or the Talking Heads currently performing on my Tele-Visor. Fuck, maybe it can be explained only by considering all of those factors.
Anyways, this is Monday Morning Commute! Those who know, probably already know. Those who don’t know, probably aren’t here. Let’s fucking shoot the shit regarding what we’re up to this week!
I’ll go first. See you in the comments section, my loves!
Man, I can absolutely relate to Murray from The Goldbergs. Motherfucking Spring Break is here, which means it’s time to pop off them jeans! Slip into something more comfortable, and fucking flat-out vibe. It’s goddamn glorious out today on the Eastern seaboard of the Empire. I got myself a warm-ass breeze wafting into my study, I got a warm-ass can of Diet Dew flying down my gullet, and I got a warm-ass glow in my heart.
Between the weather, the longer days, and the imminent approach of our vaccinations, I’m feeling hope. Really, I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since maybe the Fall. The Winter cracked open my psyche and blasted my mind-ass. Somehow while missing my prostate, because let’s be honest: an ass-blasting focusing on the prostate is a glorious, near-heavenly experience.
March 5. It’s officially been one year. One year since I went to my last movie, one year since I went to a fitness class, more than one year since I’ve seen a cadre of my friends. I’m trying not to hyper-fixate on all I’ve lost in these Fallen Times, especially since I’ve gotten off relatively light. You know? Like, on one hand, it’s only a year of my life. But on the other hand, it’s an entire year of parties, trips to the movies, and watching sports with friends. Considering that nothing’s promised in life, particularly your persistent existence, it’s a bit of a heavy bummer.
Blessedly, the vaccine gets closer and closer to my arm, even as my anxiety has me spiraling further and further from a comfortable existence. The dichotomy between the intellectual realization that the End of coming, and really the fractures in my battered psyche deepening is really a case study waiting to happen. S
That said, what can you do, you know? Just persist. Find joy in the small things. Eat pizza, watch horror movies, look forward to the seemingly-receding but literally-approaching day when I’ll be vaccinated and sitting in a restaurant with sSam. Or in Rendar’s backyard for a BBQ with shared comrades. It’s the only choice, and when you evaluate it, it seems a solid one.
Anyways, so that’s where I’m at emotionally. Why not keep your maudlin Captain company this weekend? Here, at the Open Bar! Physically distant, but emotionally resonant hanging!
What are you up to this weekend, friends? Let’s spend some ttime.
What the fuck is up, members of the Space-Ship Omega? How are you doing? I’m currently typing this bitch while actual rays of sun blast through my window. And while they aren’t supercharging my glands, my glutes, and my muscles ala Superman, these rays do feel good. So I’m hitting this son of a bitch with a bit more ebullience than I would have, had I actually written this yesterday.
Which I intended to, honest! But then the day got in the way, and blah, blah. None the less, let’s embrace the Here and the Now together.
What are you radical fucking pseudo-primates up to this week? What are you enjoying? Sweating the next WandaVision? Gleefully watching the snow melt? I don’t know, enjoying baseball’s Spring Training or some other odd shit?
I want to know! I want to show! I’ll go! First!
This is Monday Morning Commute.
I completely forgot that there was a Firestarter remake coming. Unless, I never knew? Not sure. But I do now, courtesy of this news. None other than Zac Efron has been cast in the lead role, ostensibly as Charlie McGee’s father. I don’t really have an opinion on this. Objectively, I like Efron. Is he the right dude for the role? Suppose we’ll found out.
Hey, friends! Apologies for the tardiness! Mea culpa, mea dumb ass. I think I butchered the Latin there, but who knows. It’s a fucking dead language. Who is going to stop me? Motherfuckers buried under the rubble of Mount Vesuvius? Some nerd Latin scholar at University? Step-up bitches, and face a Superkick Party. Anyways, I’m genuinely sorry I’m dropping this MMC on a Tuesday.
In case you’re wondering why? Man, I’m fucking fighting it this week! Fighting what? Just a general sense of existential malaise. A sexier way of describing my various chemical imbalances compounded by the flat-out Dumpster Fire that is life in the United States Just the act of sitting down and compiling words in a WordPress document seems pretty overwhelming. But, I’m here motherfuckers! Sometimes the act of just pushing through is helpful. You know? Maybe you know.
Anyways. Any-fucking-hoo, here we have Monday Morning Commute! Truth be told I’m digging a lot of shit these days, and these arts & farts are genuinely helping me through the week. So, I’ll drop them below, and I hope you’ll share your own collection of happenings and happiness-inducing activities in the comments.
This is Monday Morning Commute.