Good afternoon, internet populace! This is Variant Covers, the column that throws an unedited and poorly written eye at the comic books I’m checking out this week. Per usual, hit me up with your pull-list for the week, and let’s ring in this new year with some fucking funny books!

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Choker #5
The fifth issue of McCool and Templesmith’s jaunt through a futuristic mindfuck noir drops this week. The series has come out sporadically, but every time that it arrives I greet it with a smile. I’m a total slut for profanity, and dystopian futures, so McCool and Templesmith are really just lobbing fastballs down the lane towards me. I’ll eat it up!

This second to last issue sees protagonist Johnny Jackson throwing down with the psychopathic drug-dealing ex-con who has a dickcrush for Jackson’s death. It promises all the violence and profanity I’ve come to love. Oh! And there’s vampires. Buy it for your fourteen year old cousin and show her what sort of shit the real dudes start.

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Who Is Jake Ellis #1
This miniseries starting tomorrow by Nathan Edmonson and Tonci Zonjic is the raging hotness. Want to be the cool kid in your comic shop tomorrow? Either pick this shit up, or act beyond indignant when they say they didn’t order it or sold out. You’re going to gain some credit, duders. I promise. You can’t stop there though. Wear your Lantern Corp ring of choice. You know, the one you got from Free Comic Day. Tie that shit together with your t-shirt of choice (I’m thinking the Alex Ross Obama shirt that’s super unique!) and you’re the pimp now, fanboy!

Seriously though.

The good news is that the comic itself sounds bizarre. Which is, as always, plus-forty points in my book. The premise? It’s centered around Jon Moore who “is the most sought after spy-for-hire in Europe’s criminal world. This is because of Jake Ellis, a psychic man who is invisible to everyone except Moore. When a deal goes bad, the only one who can protect Moore from Europe’s most dangerous criminals is Jake Ellis. No one but Moore can see Jake Ellis. But Jake Ellis can see everything.”

Odd, odd shit. Intrigued? Edmonson spoke with Tim O’Shea over at Robot 6, and its an interesting read.

Color me stoked.

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The best thing about Arkham Asylum was the continuous ass-whupping you got to put onto foes. Batman is a goddamn Jedi when it comes to fighting street rats and ruffians. It’s straight-up the way it should be. These Arkham City screens reassure me that it’s going to be positively more of the same in the sequel I’m sweating. There’s a screen where Wayne is administering a fucking steel door to some douchebag’s sternum. He’s the thunderous bastard everyone fears. For good reason.

Hit the jump for the screens.

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Happy holidays, ya’ll! May the deity of your choice smile upon you. May your stockings be stuffed. This is Variant Covers, where I run down what comic books I’m checking out this week. ‘Tis the season for some funny books. Especially with the snow, wind, and overall suckitude of the tangible environment these days in my neck of the woods.

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Neonomicon #3
Alan Moore’s Lovecraftian nightmare conjured into reality continues this week with the third issue. The phrase “mind fuck” is bandied about these days to the point of uselessness. But friends, I can’t resist. This comic book is a mind fuck of the strongest order.

Last issue saw a bathhouse orgy rape scene turn into the grandest of conjurations to summon some sort of reptilian creature seeking a fucking. I can’t remember a comic book so creepy that it gave me the chills. But Moore is crazy like a fox, and has chosen this venue to pontificate on the ability to write reality as a narrative, and other rather weighty topics. It’s the only comic that could be featured in a graduate course, and also be used to get fetish pornography thrown into a whole new venue.

Definitely not for everyone. But if you’re into horror, steam house orgies, or meditations on narrative, I think you’ll enjoyed this shit. As much as you’ll be horrified. You don’t see mythical creature cocks ejaculating into a woman’s mouth and not be changed. Just a little. (Lot.)

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December, and the winter smiles upon us. Its dark bitter smile. Unless you’re one of those fuckers blessed with place of residence that keeps the climate balmy. For the rest of us? Let us escape into the panels, dialogue bubbles, and yes, even the occasional splash page to escape. Ah, escape. Much like I’m escaping into this list of comics that caught my eye this week, to abstain from writing a term paper.

Grab my hand and let’s fly.

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Strange Tales #3
The final issue of the second volume of Strange Tales comes out this week. Just buy this comic book, okay? It’s a collection of indie artists spinning their own unique take on the Marvel characters you’ve come to know. And love. And probably, to an extent, become apathetic to. I don’t usually say this, but even if it’s shitty, it’s probably worth buying. Show some love, so Marvel continues to allow some outside voices to spout off on the characters.

Consider it a dorky political move.

It doesn’t hurt that the comics themselves are generally well done. Some clunkers, but even then, they’re trying. I sound like a little league coach.

Onwards.

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Variant Covers. Sometimes it’s a love affair. Sometimes it’s an apathetic union. And sometimes its a ruthless hate fuck. Today is the latter. Pressed up against a deadline, I am inspired to do nothing. Refresh the same websites. Pound caffeine. Ignore my schoolwork. But I’m here, you’re here, and there are comics coming out tomorrow. Here’s the shit that may grease your underwear with excitement.

Per usual, hit the comments box with your pull list for tomorrow.

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Lady Mechanika #1
This new comic from Joe Benitez caught my eye when wandering through the various release lists for tomorrow’s loot. G’damn! Sometimes something sneaks up on you, and you want to kiss the gaping asshole of whatever force pushed you in its direction. I’m hoping this a dope find. A gorgeously illustrated steampunk release starring a vixen? Had me at vixen. But here, check out the plot description, “the tabloids dubbed her “LADY MECHANIKA”, the sole survivor of a psychotic serial killer’s three-year rampage through London. Found locked in an abandoned laboratory amidst countless corpses and body parts, with her own limbs amputated and replaced with mechanical components, her life began anew.”

C’mon! Tell me that isn’t worth at least a glance at the introduction. Sold.

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A Collection of Collections.
There’s a collection of collections coming out this week that caught my eye. ‘Tis the season and shit! Gift a comic book nerd you know with one of these bad boys. First up is the second collection of Jeff Lemire’s Sweet Tooth. As someone who is following this in trades, I’m excited to dive back into this series. Think The Road meets fantasy meets familiar tropes of responsibility for society’s future, et cetera. It’s one of my favorite releases of the past year or so.

Speaking of Jeff Lemire, his Superboy #2 is coming out, and if you read the first issue you understand: this title has promise. I don’t give a shit about Superboy, or Smallville for that matter. Or rather, I didn’t. Then Lemire stepped up. God, the dude has writing chops. Jealousy +500.

As well, tomorrow carries the first collection of James Stokoe’s Orc Stain. I can’t find this motherfucker at any comic book shop near me. Trust me, I’ve looked. As my local comic shop continues its depressing slide into bankruptcy, my comic book shop love has become polyamorous. So I’ve slutted around in my search. Now’s a chance to snag it all up and collected from my buddy, Mr. Amazon. I have a good feeling Stokoe is going to be someone we’re all going to be hearing a shitload from in the next couple of years. He’s talented, eccentric, off-kilter, and bizarre. Something of a kindred spirit for my demented brain.

Also last week hee did the world an enormous solid and released an entire unreleased comic book over on his website. Murderbullets. It’s fantastic, and I’m actually saddened I couldn’t spend money to support the effort.

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[Enlarge.]

All you have to do is hit the search button on OL to know the raging dick-crush I have for Chris Samnee’s artwork. This current find isn’t doing anything to reduce the purple-headed beast in my pants. Chris Samnee decided to take on the Superman movie in six panels. Why?

Chris Samnee explains over at Comic Twart.

A while back someone on Twitter (so sorry I don’t remember who) was talking about doing a movie as a six panel comic. When I heard the idea, I knew I wanted to do one for my favorite movie, Superman: The Movie. I never got around to it, but figured that Mitch’s pick of Superman this (last) week could be a great time to give it a go! Hope you enjoy!

It’s awesome. But to be clear, almost anything Samnee does is fantastic.

Visual designer Steve Johnson dropped these Superman designs on his Facebook claiming they were from a Bryan Singer Superman movie that never came to be, or a sequel that never materialized. But over at Comics Alliance, they postulate that these sons a bitches were from a J.J. Abrams movie that never got underway, since they bare the title “Flyby” which apparently he was working under.

I like me some J.J. Abrams. Even more than that, I dislike me some Superman Returns by Bryan Singer. Oh, if only Abrams got a shot. Or maybe the script sucked, I never saw it.

I don’t know. All I do know is that these costumes are way better than the low-riding ass clown outfit Singer had Routh wear. And they’re a zillion times better than the Tim Burton conjured abortions for his flick that never came about.

Hit the jump for the designs.

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Last month the rumor dropped that the villain for The Dark Knight Rises was going to be Dr. Hugo Strange. The good doctor would be played by Tom Hardy, who could get his Bronson on and act like a truly scary motherfucker. Today those rumor got a be thicker. A bit juicier. A bit more substantial. Something meaty for you to suck on.

In other words, it may have been confirmed.

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Well, we saw this shit coming, didn’t we? I always imagined that Nolan would only be up for three Batman flicks. He’d complete the storyline he wanted to tell, throw the deuces up to everyone, and ride off into the sunset.   This idea of mine was only strengthened by a recent report that Nolan told Bale he’d be like totally done playing Bruce Wayne after the next flick. And then, news came out today where Nolan up and confirmed it.

EW via Slashfilm:

I feel very glad that I’m doing another Batman film. I think it would have been daunting to sit down and write an original script after Inception. I love working within the realm and rules of our Batman world. It’s kind of nice to have someplace to go that I’m super-excited about.

I must say that I’m glad – I’m very, very glad – to be embarking on the last chapter of our Batman saga without any sense of obligation or duty to the studio. They did very well with Inception. So I’m able to go into finishing our story in a very enthusiastic way.

I’m happy as hell with this news. It gives Nolan and the cast to go out in a blaze of glory in their final installment. Wrap everything up, leave their stamp on the universe, and then laugh as they watch other people try and top them. Sure, the franchise ain’t going to die. Way too much money. And maybe Nolan would even have made a better fourth movie than whoever comes next. But as Rendarbones Frankenpepsi says, perhaps there’s something to going out on top. Riding off into the sunset.

Thoughts? Impressions? Hit the comments box.

This is Variant Covers. Keep your fucking fingers off the cover. Mind the spine, yo. The comic book column where I spit with vitriol, glee, and mostly confusion about the books dropping this week. Hit the comments section with derisive, witty, or contributory recommendations and comments.

Shazam.

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Thor: The Mighty Avenger #6
My friends, we have failed. As comic book reading collective, we have failed. Failed hard. Last weekend news leaked out that Thor: The Mighty Avenger was getting axed. This is nothing sort of a calamitous disregard for one of the most wondrous, beautiful mainstream titles hitting shelves. Canned, canned, canned. While other titles are hitting the shelves, depleted of quality, offering nothing new to existing mythos. I am significantly bummed out about this. Half of me wants to recommend nothing more than this title. A militant stance. But alas, there’s other worthwhile shit dropping, and that would be unfair to them.

But!, please, check this shit out tomorrow. The good news is that apparently they’ve been given the ability to wrap up the storyline by the final installment in January. You’re only six issues behind. It’ll cost you nothing more than something like twenty-four Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. It’s a refreshing take on an existing origin. The dialogue is great, the artwork is gorgeous. Both of these creators, Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee will assuredly continue on doing dope work somewhere else.

But still. Hit this while you can.

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Elsewhere In the Marvel Universe:
Thankfully, I don’t think we’re failing in regard to following Hickman’s current work on the Fantastic Four. Tomorrow sees the release of Fantastic Four #585, which promises to work towards the conclusion of the “Three” storyline. I have a good idea that someone is going to die. I think maybe the storyline’s name gives that away. Hickman’s continues Reed Richard’s desire to solve everything while grounding it with a thunderous round of heart and humor. Last month when Ben Grimm got his one-week of humanity back, and went to see Alicia? I teared up. I know, fuck me.

Also dropping is Captain America #612 which follows Bucky as he goes on trial for his crimes as the Winter Soldier. While I like the story, and generally everything Brubaker does, I’m wondering how long he’s going to examine Bucky’s guilt over his past. Fair enough it’s been introspective to this point, and now he’s dealing with the public outrage regarding it. As I said, I still dig it. And finally, Invincible Iron Man #32 promises to be a slobberknocker, as Iron Man throws down with Detroit Steel. Fraction penned action scenes being realized by Salvador Larroca? I’m there.

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