#November2019

Dudes get arrested after drilling through wall to steal 85 Bitcoin machines. The future is so fucking wild.

arrested steal bitcoin machines malaysia

Welcome to a headline from the Future, folks! Which is apparently happening. No less than five dudes were arrested for drilling through a wall to steal 85 Bitcoin machines. Fucking wild.

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HAX the PLANET: Someone stole $5 million from a Bitcoin exchange

HACK THE PLANET. OR AT LEAST DOWNLOAD THRONES.

I want to totally shed the cumbersome boundaries of my currency’s corporeal form for Bitcoins. But then I read about some shit like this. Hax the planet, braj! Or at least hack all the fucking Bitcoin exchanges!

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Microsoft now accepting Bitcoin for games, music, more. Cryptolicious.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

What the fuck is Cryptolicious? A man’s fried brain desperately trying to come up with a title. That same man’s brain failing. But efforting anyways, promising itself it’ll at least keep functioning until the large chicken parmesan┬ácalzone arrives. Soon: food. But now: cryptocurrency news.

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51% of BITCOIN MINING done by one ANONYMOUS entity

Homeboy is taking his talents to the fucking Bitcoin.

And there will be BITCOIN FREEDOM FOR ALL CRYPTOCURRENCY FREEDOM FREEDOM DAMN THE MAN BORDERLESS DRUG BUYING. Except now it seems that 51% of Bitcoin mining is coming from one anonymous source. Who, if you know fucking anything about Life, is the Steve Jobs-led Illuminati on a terraformed Mars.

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Bitcoin founder may have been tracked down. Is all, “I only heard of Bitcoin three weeks-ago.” Yeah! Okay!

How is that for a fucking headline? Ice cream headache much? To catch those of you lagging behind up: the creator of Bitcoin has been cloaked in anonymity since its creation. Newsweek was totally like, “Yo, we gotcha!” And the guy is all, “Naw, not even!” Then somehow one member of the AP ended up taking him out for sushi? Huh? Ain’t nothing normal about this crypto-thingy. No way.

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New $620,000 BITCOIN HEIST collapses another service

The Joker heist

Another Bitcoin service has gotten rocked via online-heist-robbery time. This time it’s Flexcoin, who has suffered a $620,000 ninjaing and it will be a catastrophic thieving. Good thing I keep my Bitcoins in my Miley Cyrus folder, near my latex porn. Safe and sound!

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THE FUTURE! Two Las Vegas casino hotels accepting Bitcoin. For stuff.

Vegas.

My future is arriving, albeit slowly! You know, no jet packs yet. And you can’t gamble with cryptocurrencies, either. However! You can stay in a fucking Las Vegas hotel room currency of the wunder-moneys. That’s gotta…that’s gotta be some shade of cool. Right?

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KANYE WEST-THEMED Bitcoin knock-off is coming. Kanye goes Crypto.

Coinye.

Coinye West is coming! Coinye West is coming! Sweet Jesus if that dude needed anything else to fluff up his ego, now he’s at the center of a new cryptocurrency. Welcome to the future, folks. It’s an odd place. I think I’ll stay. Pay for my adventures with an untraceable currency sporting Kanye West’s face.

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Overstock.com is now accepting BITCOIN. Future, gogogo.

OPRAH.

How long until Bitcoin isn’t the future anymore? And it just becomes this really wondrous currency that I don’t fully comprehend? (Like actual currency, to be honest.) Cause place after place is adopting the currency for real-life, bona fide products.

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RICHARD BRANSON endorses BITCOIN; VIRGIN GALACTIC will ACCEPT VIRTUAL CURRENCY

Richard Branson.

Dicky Branson! Way to go. The filthy rich son of a bitch has thrown his weight behind Bitcoin. But bro ain’t stopping there. No sir. No ma’am. Branson has gone on record stating that his space start-up company will accept virtual currency.

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