Take that, Jupiter. You big gaseous fuck! You’re n longer the leader in number of satellites. Nope, that belongs to Saturn now who has 20 newly discovered moons!
My friends, yet again astronomers have captured some metal-as-fuck activity. A NASA satellite has captured a blackhole shredding a star.
Folks, entire fucking galaxies are being killed. That’s the word from astronomers. And, we all know what this means It’s Galactus. Or, if you prefer The Expanse? It’s whatever wiped out the creators of the protomolecule.
Astronomers find water and maybe even rain on potentially habitable Super-Earth. Let’s fucking gooooooo!
Oh fuck yeah, fellas! Astronomers have found a goddamn Super-Earth with water! In fact, the motherfucker may have rain. I’m ready. Packing my goddamn bags.
Astronomers have detected eight new potential alien signals. Oh fuck yeah! Listen. I know there is a rush to point out that this shit is probably not aliens. That said, let me pretend it is? For a little?
Astronomers have just detected dozen of missing galaxies from the Early Universe. The Cosmos always excites, my dudes
I say, goddamn! Another week, another fantastic-ass find by astronomers. This time? Oh, they’ve just detected dozens of galaxies from the early universe. Previously hidden.
Only space can deliver such a fucking headline, right? A forbidden planet, found. A Neptunian desert, present.
Oh god! Can you imagine if some intelligent species really is blasting out radio signals from afar? Looking for fellow sentient beings? They would be so, so fucking disappointed in us. Or, maybe not. Who knows. That said, these radio signals probably ain’t from an intelligent life form. But! The source could still be dope as fuck. Like, a goddamn neutron star. See, I told you. Still dope.
Next year, astronomers are going to attempt to take the first picture of a black hole. Like, ever. Insert all the easy jokes, then pray they pull it off.