Monday Morning Commute: With Alacrity, People!
Shazam! This is Monday Morning Commute. And I am Caffeine Powered, the faithful Steward of Space-Ship Omega. Much like I said almost verbatim last year at this time, I am a man under pop culture duress. With E3 popping off, I got my hands seriously full. So forgive me if I work my way through this column with stunning brevity this week. Oh shit! The point of this column? For you and me to share the various things we’re looking forward during the next seven days. Let’s fucking jam.
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E3 2014: ‘SCALEBOUND’ Reveal Trailer: DEVIL MAY DRAGON HUNT
OH SHIT! Platinum Games with an XB1 exclusive? That’s the sort of thing that gets my jaded, XB1-neglecting ass to pay attention. It’s totally Devil May Cry Over Dragons or some shit, but whatever. Platinum Games don’t usually let me down. And any exclusive I can get quasi-pumped for is enough. Is that…is that sad? The level my expectations have been lowered to by E3?
GEORGE CLOONEY and JOSH BROLIN join Coen Brothers’ ‘HAIL CAESAR’
Looks like momentum is picking up on the Hail Caesar! front. The Coen Brothers’ have cast two faces familiar to their enterprises to hold it down in the upcoming flick. And frankly the amount of bonerfiying sexiness between the two of them may break me.
E3 2014: ‘STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT’ Trailer: Return to that OG Feelin’
EA dropped a “trailer” for Star Wars Battlefront. Much like the “trailer” for New Mass Effect (Game 4): Not Shepherd, it’s mostly just people who I am sure are very nice flapping their gums about the process. Which interests me pretty much not at all. But it’s a “trailer!”, wee!
Cosplay: Gaige from ‘BORDERLANDS 2’ seems mechanically sound
Cause she’s a fucking mechromancer! Oh, you don’t like that? WHATEVER. It’s E3, I’m blogging up a fucking storm, and the only way I’ve been able to sustain this mania is through like eight Diet Mountain Dews. Enjoy this cosplay while I go into the bathroom and seize.
E3 2014: New ‘MASS EFFECT’ Trailer: Blah blah show me f**king gameplay
Here’s a “glimpse” at the new Mass Effect. But honestly it’s a whole goddamn pile of platitudes, empty rhetoric, “conceptual artwork” and happy horse shit. Someone give me a goddamn look at the actual game. Like, I’d take ten seconds of actually something over this minute+ of pretty much hot air.
Elon Musk is like “f**k it, maybe we’ll make a FLYING CAR.”
Elon Musk loves the sound of his own voice. I generally like the ideas that the sound of his voice produces. Drinking Space Vodka on Mars. The Hyperloop thing. Now flying cars. But like, does any of this shit ever come to pass? Ever?
E3 2014: ‘RISE OF THE TOMB RAIDER’ Announcement Trailer
Raiding tombs fucks you up, yo. Or maybe it’s the thousands of bullets and arrows you use to perforate all the baddies that inevitably inhabit said tombs. Either way.
‘GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’ poster features The Rocket and the Tree
Makes sense that the first character poster for Guardians of the Galaxy is trumping up the Rocketing Raccoon and the Tree Guy. The fuzzy one is seeming like a soon-to-be-star, and Disney hasn’t missed a chance to point out that his body guard is voiced by Vinny Diesel. Behold the full version post-cut.
E3 2014: ‘HALO: THE MASTER CHIEF COLLECTION’ arriving in November
It’s a SURPRISE! That we knew about last month. Microsoft is releasing Halo: The Master Chief collection this November, giving fans of John-1117-SpartanGuy something to chew on until Halo 5: Guardians of A Different Galaxy. Plus! It features the buzz words of Gen8 or whatever: 1080p, 60 fps.
