Tone Deaf – Command Your Weather by Big Business
Greetings earthlings. Lower case e on earth because the universe doesn’t know or care about us filthy apes. I’m Contingency Plan, filthy ape among you. I previously did cool things like play in bands and record albums so like most pretentious musicians, I think my opinion matters. I’m here to bore you with buzzwords and catch phrases like ‘earworm’, ‘sick riff’, ‘synergry’ and other banality. Still, if someone buys an album that they truly enjoy that they hadn’t heard of before this column, that’s a win in my book.
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SNES Saturdays #7 & 8 – Booty Had Me Like…Van Damme is God
We’re late! Getting these up! Always late…getting it up. I know, I know. Too easy. Too lame. Too puerile. Which makes it perfectly fitting for my dumb ass! But, here we go!
Burger Chain in California teaming-up with surveillance company for face-scanning loyalty program. Dystopia Now, baby!
A local California burger chain is banking on its customers wanting fucking loyalty points more than they don’t want want their faces fucking scanned and logged in some database somewhere. I, the ever present cynic, am guessing they’re probably right. Who needs to fight against Dystopian futures when you can get free french fries or some shit. Who needs privacy when there are hamburgers at stake, bro!
‘The Punisher’ officially renewed for second season. This is expected, right?
I haven’t seen The Punisher yet. Moreover, I’m sort of not in a fucking rush to do so? That said, it’s getting a second season. I’m assuming this excites people, despite the fact that I haven’t heard much buzz about the show.
Watch: Run The Jewels syncs up perfectly with ‘Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives’, praise the slop culture apocalypse
I, I don’t know how people fucking figure these things out. That said, I’m glad that someone decided to do so. RTJ? Guy Fieri? The mash-up we didn’t know we needed. May it be a light for you in these dark times.
After the jump, because the Twitter video player is garbage.
‘Sicario 2: Soldado’ Trailer: Brolin and Del Toro Go To War With The Cartels
I’m fucking ready for this movie, dude. The original movie ruled. And while this one isn’t directed by Denis Villeneuve, Brolin and Del Toro are back! Not only that, though. It’s also written by Taylor Sheridan. Who, if you haven’t been keeping up, fucking rules. Let’s do this!
NASA and Google found first solar system with 8 planets like our own, Pluto is like pfft
NASA and Google have teamed-up to find a solar system like ours, sporting eight planets. Cool! I mean, cool? It’s neat.
Monday Morning Commute: Third Time’s a Charm
Three more times.
I’ll go in on Monday and they’ll give me a shot in the neck. It’s to thin the blood or unclog an artery or loosen the lung-junk or some shit. Truthfully, I wasn’t really listenin’ too carefully when Doctor Familiabeutt was explainin’ everything. Fuck, why would I? When someone’s explainin’ complicated plans that they’re goin’ to stick to and you’re just showin’ up for, it’s no good to ask questions and it’s just as bad to listen carefully. Just get the broad strokes, nod your head, offer a smile – or, in this case, a half-smile, and move along.
Two more times.
On Wednesday they’re goin’ to clip my toes. Not my toenails, my goddamn toes. Again, I wasn’t hearin’ his words too closely, but Doc said somethin’ or other about toes shootin’ clean off during the final step of the procedure. And, given the task at hand, it wouldn’t really matter for me, but apparently it often left the office a bloody mess. So, in the middle of the week I’d say goodbye to my ten little piggies.
One more time.
On Friday I’ll take my final trip to the Medical Offices of Temporary Corporeal Vessels. After checking in, Doctor Familiabeutt will hook up my gonads and forearms to the fleshlectrodes. After being given the opportunity to say a final word or two and sip upon a beverage of my choice – I’m choosing Dr. Pepper – the switch’ll be flipped.
I hate goin’ to the doctor’s office, but at least this week I know that third time’ll be a charm.
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Welcome to the MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE!
I’m going to give you a heads-up about some of the ways I’ll be surviving the workweek. Then, you hit up the comments sections and tell us about what you’ll be doing to survive. It’s entertainment show-and-tell at its best, worst, and kookiest.
Let’s rock!
Disney/Fox deal is consummated, X-Men, Deadpool, and Fantastic Four joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe
I can’t help but feel a bit sick at the news that Disney and Fox have consummated their deal. Like, man. Talk about a fucking monoculture. But, you know. I’m definitely going to jizz when I see Thor, Peter Parker, Cyclops, and Reed Richards saving the world together.
‘Mr. Robot’ renewed for Season 4, which is great fucking news to me
Mr. Robot is getting a fourth season, and man, maybe we can have nice things. Even though I’m three episodes behind, the third season of the show has been blowing my ass-hairs into orbit. However, despite it’s fucking quality, I haven’t heard many people talking about it. Well, whatever the fuck, whatever the case, we’re getting more of the show. Good.
