I’m playing through Arkham Asylum like any diehard Batman fanboy should be right now. It’s a pretty tight, but I’ll save my impressions for the review I’m working on over for Mishka Bloglin. What I wanted to comment on though, is how fucking jacked Commissioner Gordon looks in the game. No, seriously. The dude looks like a sixty year-old pile of muscles. Just stare at the dude. There isn’t a doorway on Earth that the guy could fit through. He looks like he’s training with Brock Lesnar and eating whole cows for dinner.

What the fuck is going on here?

It’s not confusing for any egghead who knows the engine the game is running on. Eidos is using the Unreal Engine 3. You may recognize it as the engine that brought the world the anatomical impossibility that is Marcus Fenix and the rest of the Gears of Wars cast. The engine is renown for building the enormous, Vin Diesel, HGH-popping body type; and then using it as the default shape of any male in the game.

I just didn’t think it would be used to craft Jim Gordon into the dude who not only runs the police force for Gotham, but probably also can fuck your mother while carrying her up a flight of stairs.

Bravo, Unreal Engine 3!

Do you remember where you were, the first time you saw Anna Paquin’s tits in True Blood? Yeah, me too. I was right next to my girlfriend, trying to not let my boner show. However, as the second season has gone on, we’ve seen her boobs roughly six-zillion times. Awesome, right?

Wrong.

In a truly shocking moment, I am tired of her boobs. There was a point when I absolutely adored them, all done up tight in her little Merlotte’s uniform. Or on Bill’s bed. But now I’m tired of them. Sorry Alan Ball and company, I’m jaded.

Maybe it’s because every time Sookie is naked, and showing them goodies, she’s usually crying and lamenting with Bill in some bedroom somewhere. No, seriously. All they do is fuck, and have these awful Dawson’s Creek conversations.

Sookie! I CANNOT ALLOW you to go there and blahdy bloop and let me munch your neck hey you have tits…

BILL! Don’t give into your vampire side you’re a human too sugary sophmoric bullshit et cetera…

I never thought I’d say this, but please creators behind True Blood. Enough with Sookie’s rack. And enough with the dreadful bedroom conversations. I beg you. These two characters read like fanfiction some fat chick wrote after eating a pint of ice cream and fingering herself to Bill’s fangs.

Yes. Someone, somewhere in the world searched for “The Dark Knight Masturbating” yesterday. Just think of that. Seriously, someone did it.

And then Google brought them to us. I’m horrified and honored.

With the news trickling out that Warner Brothers is losing the rights to key ingredients of the Superman formula, I began contemplating what exactly comprises Superman. I was taking this into consideration alongside the recent developments where protégés began donning the mantle of their fallen Jedi Masters and shit. You have Dick Grayson traipsing about as Batman. And at least for a new months, you got Bucky running around as Captain America.

So I got to thinking. It was bothering me. On the toilet. In bed. In the shower. I asked myself, what is the essence of Superman? Does he exist outside of the tenants of his history? Is the soul of Superman tied into Krypton, into the Lois Lane/Clark/Superman love triangle? Can you have a Superman that isn’t from Krypton? What defines Superman as Superman, and furthermore, does it even matter? Can the term stand for multiple things, for different creators?

I don’t have any answers, but I think it’s a worthy examination.

Let’s kick it by taking on Dick Grayson and Bucky Barnes. When DC was contemplating killing off Batman, the general shtick was this: Batman was more than a man, he was a symbol. Even if an Uber Alien Bullet vaporized Bruce Wayne, Grayson could continue to carry on what he stood for. Same thing goes for Bucky. Maybe Captain America got his ass seriously capped on some court steps. But he had someone else to pick up the job. Albeit with a sweet metallic arm, but still, there was someone else to pick up the job.

However, both instances were circumstances different than what is currently going on with good ole’ Clark Kent. How so? Well for starters, we’re talking about a world without Clark Kent. Warner Brothers, if I am understanding correctly, is losing the rights to that very name.

Let’s call Bucky and Dick “The Replacements” throughout the rest of this article for ease of statement.

When The Replacements stepped into the costumes, they were inheriting mantles. Bucky wasn’t redefining a symbol. Rather, he was reinterpreting it.   The Replacements ran parallel to the fallen dudes they were replacing. All of their experiences in assuming the roles were predicated on the conscious fact that they were replacing someone, and what their predecessor stood for.

How many times did something along the lines of this came up:

Oh well Bruce/Steve wouldn’t have wanted me to do this, blah blah.

The idea that Captain America is a symbol, at least currently in the Marvel universe, stems from the fact that there was someone to define this symbol prior to Bucky.

There was these two parallel constructions: What Batman/Captain America stood for, and what The Replacements did by assuming this symbol. Not by defining it.

So I began to ask, what if you removed the initial construction, the defining of the symbol prior to the assumption of the mantle?

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Bayonetta, the action game coming from the man behind Viewtiful Joe, Okami, Resident Evil and Devil May Cry promises to be many things. A showcase of a hot chick in leather and glasses. More action insanity from the master. And apparently, a venue for pussy handholding.

From Destructoid:

Bayonetta‘s “Very Easy Automatic” mode is designed for noobs, but should also be perfectly suited to the chronic wanker. Able to be played with one hand, socially maladjusted gamers like myself will be able to pull their plonkers, issue a fine stringy jet of minging muck-magma, and clean up the pubic marshland without ever having to stop the game. Genius.

The bitchification of gamers continues. What a bunch of casual douchebags the gaming community is coming. I honestly don’t understand how it is gratifying to hit one button and mop the floor with shit. Half of my enjoyment from playing games like Ninja Gaiden and Devil May Cry 3 is the thrill of execution. It’s about learning the strategies and finally being able to fell some bad ass boss.

Listen, I know they’re going to include a real mode for real gamers, so this is just auxiliary as a way to lure more fans in. But it just seems confounding to me that people would enjoy it, and as a shithead-hard-ass-gaming-dbag, I resent giving shitty gamers the ability to wank out without skill. I know I’m being pretentious. Fuck you.

It’s a common source of confusion for Final Fantasy VII fanboys like my friends and myself why Squaresoft (they’ll always be fucking Squaresoft to me, okay?) hasn’t made a Final Fantasy VII remake. Market whores, Square has spun the game off into a thousand derivatives. Movies, cell phone games, toilet paper, subvertly sponsored Cloud/Sephiroth yaoi.

At the same time, they’ve remade like, you know, all the other Final Fantasy games for the DS, Gameboy, Virtual Boy, and Neogeo. So where the fuck is our Final Fantasy VII remake? The game was the jumping-on point for many Squaresoft fanatics like myself. It still remains insanely popular in the community, and the game would make more money than fucking God. So where the fuck is it at?

The VG247 blog managed to get this out of the motherfuckers responsible for FFVII:

There’s no official project that’s up and running for a remake of Final Fantasy VII at this point. Both Toriyama-san and Kitase-san were involved in the development of the game, however, and it holds a special place in their hearts. They do talk about it on a personal level, like, ‘If we did it it would be like this or like that.’

So, they do talk about it, but there’s no official project yet. But there’s that PSN release that just came out, so if you could play that for the time being, it should be fun.

In other words. We’re busy taking fourteen god damn years for Final Fantasy XIII because we’ve become incompetent, sludgy fucks. But buy the original on the PSN, because we contradict ourselves and really do love money, while not working on the project that would make us so much money we could fashion a real-life Godzilla.

Looking ahead to the next few weeks’ comic releases, I realized that September 2^nd brings the first issue of Strange Tales Max. This three-issue miniseries is composed of short stories by some of the most acclaimed creators in underground comics, many of whom have seized the opportunity to run amok with Marvel’s more recognizable characters.

On the one hand, I think this series could be great for all involved parties; the creators gain exposure that their usual work does not afford them, Marvel gets to tout a badge of artistic merit, and the readers get their filthy paws on some unique work. If all goes to plan, Strange Tales Max could be responsible for quite a few Eisner-nominations.

However, such an endeavor also runs the risk of choking on the vomit of its own novelty. Comic book fans are, on the whole, not a group who like their mothers’ apple pie recipes fucked with. If Marvel runs a story about Peter Parker giving up the superheroics in favor of free-form dance, then they might just shoot themselves in the foot.

Quirky or novel are not always synonymous with successful. Just ask DC’s Wednesday Comics — despite heavy promotion, its first issue was only the thirty-sixth best selling comic of July (with subsequent issues faring worse). And even though I think it contains some of the best story-telling I’ve read lately (Kerschl/Fletcher’s The Flash/Iris West, Pope’s Strange Adventures, & Busiek/Quinones’ Green Lantern comes to mind) even I can’t get over the shitty newsprint material. In my opinion, such beautiful art shouldn’t be folded over and printed on gray toilet paper.

Perhaps Wednesday Comics may work better once it’s collected into an absolute edition. Maybe Strange Tales Max will be unappreciated until collected into a full anthology. Either way, both should be commended for the ways in which they strive for something else.

Strange Tales #2's cover is from Peter Bagge's "The Incorrigible Hulk"

I was kickin’ around in the 360’s Marketplace today as I downloaded the newest Mass Effect DLC, “Pinnacle Station“. My friend, The Dude had mentioned to me that you could buy Mass Effect junk for your avatar. I ultimately settled on the N7 shirt. As retarded as it sounds, I decided that while the spacesuits were super-ballin’, my digital representation wouldn’t wear that. I’m in civilian clothes. We commented that it was hilarious that we’d be gouged for that gear. But we also both bought some swag.

Then I stumbled across this: a motherfucking lightsaber. I checked it out on my avatar. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t wear a spacesuit, but I would definitely wield a lightsaber. I know it doesn’t make sense. Then I went to buy it. It cost 400 Microsoft points.

Let’s be clear. “Pinnacle Station”, the DLC costs 400 MS points. So does the lightsaber. Since Microsoft uses the esoteric, bizarre pricing points in an effort to confuse us, that translates to around $5.

$5 for three hours of gaming. Okay, makes sense. $5 for a lightsaber? Holy shit.

Like Blizzard, who can rape nerds into paying $40 for a live stream of their Blizzcon news, Microsoft and/or Lucas (I don’t know who gets the money, I’m lazy) knows they can rape us nerds by increasing the price of the lightsaber to ridiculous proportions. I paid 80 points for my t-shirt, but it’s 400 for a saber? 5 times the amount? That’s absurd.

The worst part is I keep thinking about it. I wants it. I needs it. MY PRECIOUS. It’s idiots like me (I’ll ultimately cave) that enable people like Microsoft and Blizzard to rape us silly. $5 for a little lightsaber. It’s ridiculous. Exorbitant. I’m going to cave. Fuck me.

File this under: What the fuck?

So, apparently new Mass Effect DLC came out today. It’s called Pinnacle Station. Did you know? Yeah, me either. The new Mass Effect DLC was released with little to no fanfare. This is coming off the heels of the details of said DLC being leaked by the Swiss XBOX Live site. It seems to me like there was some sort of “Fucked, the god damn Swiss leaked it? Better shovel that shit out there!”

Want some details about the DLC? Since, like me, you had no idea this shit existed until either yesterday or today? Sure, here you go:

Test the limits of your combat prowess aboard a remote, top-secret Alliance space station. Do you have what it takes to hold the top spot amongst the best of the best? This module includes a new land-able space station, 13 exciting combat scenarios, and approximately 2-3 hours of game play

There you go. Sounds pretty lame, doesn’t it? Also, it sounds pretty much like a cheap rip-off of Fallout 3‘s Operation: Anchorage DLC. Wait, you go into a simulation, tear shit up for a bit, and then get some new gear? Yeah, Bethesda did that back in February.

It seems pretty fitting that this new, uncared about DLC would mimic Fallout 3’s. Why, you ask? Well, since Fallout 3 has been released, it’s done DLC like a pimp master. While Bioware has dropped the ball continuously. Since November of 2008, Bethesda has churned out five excellent DLCs. With over a year’s extra time in the market place, Mass Effect has been capable of churning out two bullshit, bootleg abortions. Pretty depressing.

I am a huge Mass Effect fan. It’s a binky of mine, and despite all my bitching, I’ve already downloaded this piece of crap. It’s depressing to see Bioware drop the ball of the DLC, especially since we were promised rich worlds and shit to explore after the release, and all we’ve gotten is a couple of thrown together pieces of mush. Hopefully this is just a sign that Bioware has turned its attention fully to Mass Effect 2, which, when I think about it, arouses a semi-erection in my pants.

Until, have some slop, and imagine a world where Bioware learns some lessons from Bethesda when it comes to DLC.

One of the cooler things about WoW: Cataclysm aside from the new content promising to ensnare my mind for another couple of years are the reworked original continents. Anyone who has played WoW will tell you that levels 1-70 are a pointless grind at this point, punctuated by bitching and moaning. We can’t fly in Azeroth, QQ. We’ve seen the Bad Lands a thousand times, QQ. And I’m just as whiny. But let’s face it, the fucking map has been static for almost five years. It’s about god damn time something actually HAPPENED in the world.

It was cute how for about two days prior to WotLK Blizzard actually tried to give the semblance of a breathing universe. But with Cataclysm, Blizzard’s giving all of us greybeards a chance to explore areas we had forsaken since around 2006.

Changing around continents gives us a reason to explore older areas on our capped characters, and it also may mitigate the misery that is grinding from level one on your fifteenth alt. For the first six months or so.