Variant Covers: Scalps, Stretchy Junk, and Futurists.
It’s that mid-summer moment where the comic books are twisting in my greasy palms, affronted by humidity and my general toxicity. Comic books! One of the great stalwarts of summers, the MEGA-EVENTS coming out weekly. Say what you will about the general quality of the EXPLODEY TIME STORY ARCS that permeate the shelves during the summer, I’ve come to need them just as a means of passing time. Like marking days off a calendar, they’re there. And they’re omnipresent. Keeping me company.
Like the drunk Uncle at the Christmas parties who you thinks annoys you, but then when he dies in a horror shit-show of cirrhosis and bloody vomiting, you miss him under the mistletoe. Trying to kiss your Mom, his first cousin.
I don’t know what I’m writing about anymore. This is Variant Covers, your weekly take on the tasty licks hitting comic books shelves.
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‘Party Down’ Could Be Getting A Movie? Don’t Tease Me!
I didn’t know about it, but there was a fucking Party Down marathon at the Alamo Drafthouse. It appears that everything awesome occurs in that place. Well fuck. Out of this Drafthouse came not just what I assume was endless fun and excitement with the cast and shiz, but the news that there could be a Party Down movie. Lawd don’t tease me, lawd don’t tease me!
MASTODON – DEATHBOUND!
The fine folks at Adult Swim have used an unreleased track from Mastodon’s Crack the Skye as the soundtrack for one of the best videos I’ve seen in a long time. You’re guaranteed to love it – unless, of course, you don’t like puppets, gunshots, monsters, UFOs, robots, explosions, or metal.
And if that’s the case, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
300 Sequel Isn’t ‘Xerxes’ Anymore. Now Titled ‘300: Battle of Artemisia.’
As much as I like Gears of War, or Fast and the Furious, or Rocky III for my fill of overtly homoerotic Freudian wet dreams, none were so flagrant and glorious as 300. Where is my second coming of dudes all but coming on one another? Running around, phallus in hand, glazed with sweat and spitting about camaraderie. I need it!
There was a sequel promised. Xerxes! I looked to it for this fill. It stalled, but it may live once more as 300: Battle of Artemisia.
360 Is Selling Twice As Many Online-Capable Games As PS3.
When it comes to the sales of online-capable games the 360 is crushing the PS3. Straight-up top-rope elbow dropping that sumbitch.
U.S. Citizen Facing Jail Time In Canada For Manga On His Computer.
There’s a U.S citizen in jail in Canada right now because he was caught with manga on laptop. The same citizen is also being forced to register as a sex offender. When did America’s Top Hat turn into a bunch of fucking fascists?
Betelgeuse Sheds Billions of Kilometers of Space Dust. Colossal.
That red outlined spec in the middle of that picture is Betelgeuse. The roaring, rumbling, amorphous sexily shaded cloud surrounding it is an enormous nebula of dust.
Paramount Is Backing Aronofsky’s ‘Noah.’ Hell Yes. (Heaven Yes?)
Darren Aronofsky wants Noah to be a huge-ass event bio-apocalypse flick starring Christian Bale. That takes many a cheddar to make happen, and Aronofsky has been trying to find funding for the project.
With reports that Paramount is joining the fray, that search seems over.
Marvel Explains Why They Reveal Deaths To The Media Early. Hint, Money.
Last week, Marvel revealed the death of Ultimate Spidey in USA Today a day before it dropped on shelves. This seems to be a regular occurrence for the studio these days, so the intrepid souls at Comics Alliance wanted to know why. Fucking why.
The explanation isn’t complicated.
Monday Morning Commute: Colossus of Destiny
Hear ye! Hear ye! The Monday Morning Commute has arrived! Let us meet this train of thought in the station, see what wares it has to offer, and then add our own before it continues toward Collective Conscious Square! `Tis our duty as denizens of the Omega Level to not only profit from the bounty of awesome-suggestions, but to contribute as well!
Make merry and dance in the street! Digital or otherwise!
