A month or so ago, Universal paid a steep multi-million dollar penalty and wiped its ass with their contract with toy manufacturer Hasbro. No sensible human being saw anything great coming from the partnership, which was signed back in 2008 when I was 30 pounds lighter. For years, family-friendly projects like Stretch Armstrong, Ouija, and Monopoly were thrown around with different producers and directors attached – remember Ridley Scott’s Monopoly hurrrr? A few days before Universal washed their hands clean of Hasbro, rival Sony Pictures snatched up Candy Land to use as an Adam Sandler vehicle. Meaning they’re going to make a boatload of money.

The only film actually coming out of the doomed contract is Peter Berg’s Battleship, in which Rihanna and Tim Riggins fight aliens. There’s really no connection to the board game except the battleships and it’s almost certain someone will begrudgingly say “You sunk my battleship” and then immediately feel like a tool. But amidst all the backlash, let us never forget that in 1985 the first and best board game adaptation was released.

Clue is a madcap murder mystery hated by some and loved by many. Critically spat upon in its initial release, it’s since developed a well deserved cult following. Universal was planning on remaking it with Gore Verbinski to direct, but that’s obviously fallen through. Good riddance, I say. The original Clue is super fun and has everything from lo-brow poop jokes to jabs at McCarthyism. It’s worth revisiting if you haven’t in a while. Here’s six reasons why Clue is and will always be the best movie based on a board game.

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I had no idea that Star Wars  fan groups had such sway. While George Lucas may have rubber-stamped (a stamp forged in his laboratories using dark magic and our tears) Star Wars: The Old Republic  as canon, the fan groups weren’t so quick to give it their blessing. Rejoice though, people of the desirous SWTOR  cosplay. The game has passed the Crucible.

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I can’t think of anything more antithetical to Watchmen  than Jim Lee’s shitty super stylized style. So when he brings his stale ass saltine flow to Before Watchmen: Nite Owl #1‘s variant cover, I puke a little in my mouth.

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Metal Gear  has been holding it down in our collective gaming brain-pieces for a while now. At the very least since Kojima went CINEMATIC on our asses in the original MGS, it not before that. It isn’t surprising then that the series has sold in droves, though I wouldn’t have been able to put a finger on the amount. Or a finger on my nose. ‘Cause I’m drunk with stealth. You heard me.

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Bret Webster took a gorgeous photo of our Milky Way galaxy hanging out above a raging monsoon at  Canyonlands National Park. It’s one of those tit-tightening reminders that we’re at all times we are within a galaxy, orbiting the center of the universe. Astounding.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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Well then! There was some worthwhile fuzz to report from the Amazing Spider-Man panel at WonderCon.  Most notable is the fact that Emma Stone was originally brought in to play Mary Jane, before taking on the role of Gwen Stacy. Wait! – buh! It almost makes too much sense, since Stone is known for his red hair. Despite it being a dye job! A dye job! The horror.

Hit the jump for more details.

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Marc Maron’s sitcom about his life has gotten picked up by IFC, and has sent me into a masturbatory meta hole. A sitcom about a guy who does a podcast…starring the guy whose its based on…who does a podcast…what if there’s a podcast about the sitcom about the podcast…

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I didn’t think I was interested in Snow White And The Chase For Middle Earth Bucks, but then I saw Charlize Theron emerge from some sort of binding milky goo. Then I was mildly interested.

Hit the jump to watch, leave your impressions.

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Michael Bay could fuck up a winning lottery ticket. He’d all be “Hey, let’s spend it on explosions and the CGI for racially insensitive robots” and shit. Fucking asshole. Douche-Bag was talking at  Nickelodeon Upfront (whatever the fuck that is) when he intimated that the Turtles will not be mutants. They’ll be fucking aliens.

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[Caff Edit: Original video was taken down; replaced with new one]

Here, have another trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Yes, I’m still excited for it. No, I don’t blame you for not being the excite.

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