Microsoft is teasing us with promise of an exclusive from a “wonderful” Japanese developer. I really wonder what the fuck it can be, and how much money they’ve backed up into the gaping anus of said developer to obtain it. (In case you didn’t know, currency-to-anus transfers are the new hot phenomenon in my mind.) Cause like, with XB1 not even out in Japan yet, what sort of exclusive with a Japanese developer provide?

NO SERIOUSLY — I don’t know. Any guesses?

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My taint is ready to be slathered in bro goo and deployed back into the world of Far Cry. It’s been too long! Miss the Island. Miss the Blood Dragons. Good news for me then, that apparently the next installment of the mofuckah’ is arriving in early 2015. I can do this. I can make it.

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Ubisoft has pulled up their knickers and given the gaming world a taste of their next Assassin’s Creed game. The son of a bitch is next-gen only, and will (at the very least) let you roam the streets of France and get your stabby-stabby, stealthy-stealthy on.

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Even if this story ain’t true, it’s fucking brilliant. Some dude claims to have gotten fucking fed up with his local bank after being constantly hit with overdraft charges. So now he plunks down hard cash whenever he gets paid on game pre-orders. Needs some dough? Goes into the GameStop and cancels his pre-order. Money back in hand. Regardless of whether or not this is true, I’m fucking feeling it. Goddamn I was in GameStop today and they tried to sell me on countless pre-orders, and motherfucking disc scratch protection. Dude printed out a goddamn list of PS4 games and suggested I look through it! So fuck GameStop, and a metaphorical stroke of this dude’s genius cock for the idea.

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ALL THE LEAD DESIGNERS ARE LEAVING! All! It feels like every time I turn around another motherfucker has left their perch as Lead Designer of Studio X. This time it’s Jaime Griesemer, Lead Guy of Sucker Punch.

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Praise the Butt Lords, Titanfall 2 is going multiplatform. ‘Cause you see – I’m the douchebag who owns an XB1 and a PS4. However, most of my good friends are squarely in the Sony camp. They’re not frivolous pieces of shit with their money. So this means I spend a good amount of time getting thrashed by myself in Titanfall with no one to console me. Such shan’t be the case with the sequel.

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Can a bro grade some papers during Spring Break? Apparently fucking not, what with shit like this breaking. From various leaking anuses across the gaming world comes this newest dribble. There are two Assassin’s Creed games dropping this year, with one taking place in Paris.

Hit the jump for more images & details & shit, oh my!

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Remnants of my childhood continue to flake off the corpus of the gaming world. Fluttering into the abyss, as it lumbers on with nary a notice of its losses. The latest piece of childhood to no longer gain purchase on the Beast that is the Gaming Industry is the wonderful IGA/Castlevania connection.

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Sony has revealed their VR headset, dubbed “Project Morpheus.” Maybe I’m just old and showing my age, but I don’t really get up for this. If sitting in front of a video game isn’t already a Dystopia Made Real, completely detaching from others in your own house and rummaging around a virtual world seems a final consummation. On the other hand though, gimme the Black Sun from Snow Crash (my usual refrain).

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Sorry to all my plebeian friends who ain’t into the next-gen game. You see, I’m fucking stoked that the new Batty installment is only for the new consoles, and I sadly don’t care who that cuts out. ‘Cause focusing on the highest tech (that would have sounded so cool in 1997) has the fucking visuals BOOMING. (This never sounded cool.)

Hit the jump for all the screens.

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