I want to live in J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek universe. Motherfucking everything is gorgeous! Even the jail that holds Benjamin Slumberdick or whatever is fucking pristine. It has got that Apple Store sheen. Fuck yeah, sign me up. Especially if you can get me a stall next to Alice Eve. Oh baby! Hit the jump for the images, as well as some words from Slumberdick and Eve about the pressures of being in the flick.

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There is a chance that Quinto ain’t done remaking history. In a new interview, the Man Who Shot Hitler 3,000 Times has spoken about a potential spin-off from Basterds that would feature a squad of black US soldiers in 1944.

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Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the New Black when it comes to being at the center of comic book rumors. It’s rumored the duder is going to be The Bats in the Justice League movie. It’s rumored that in this movie he has two dongs, one which shoots raw cookie dough. Now, it’s rumored he may be crossing the line from DC and into Marvel movie madness. If this rumor holds true (and let me tell you I don’t think it will), Batman will be going galactic very soon.

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Eddie Pluto kicked off 2013 by bringing this dollop of shit to my attention. I could hear his raspy cackle in my mind as I read through the news, all the while knowing my rage would feed his blackened heart. Fuck. You know, there was a point where I was really excited for the film adaptation of The Great Gatsby. Then there was the period of Hulkian rage when I was exposed to the horrendous trailer. Now? Now I’m just going to buckle-up and try and enjoy the nightmare.

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It’s with a tearful eye and a hyper-extended thumbs-up that I bid farewell to 2012.

The last twelve months have been some of the finest of my entire life. And I’m not exaggerating. Unlike those saccharine slobs who always clamor about the present hour being their finest and the preceding moments nothing more than the bliss-steps to their existence plateaus, I have no illusions about the fact that I’ve chalked up some miserable years. I’ve anguished through entire calendars, burnin’ `em up with fuel of the most incendiary sort.

Self-doubt! Resentment! Apathy! Vitriol! Cynicism! Sally forth towards the mire!

But 2012 was a whole different beast. Sure, there definitely some moments when my nostrils were assailed by the wispy vapors of the aforementioned propellants. But repugnance was ultimately cast aside, overpowered by the surfeit of wonder! It’s almost as though entertainment and art and love formed a giant sword-wieldin’, monster-destroyin’ mech, and I got to pilot the son-of-a-bitch!

If only!

Anyways, it looks as though every crew member of Spaceship OL is delivering their year-end highlights, so I’m going to join the party. But since I’ve garnered a reputation as being the erratic, currently-undiagnosed-but-we’re-working-on-it, hack-writin’ resident of the crew, I’m going to switch things up a bit. Each of my highlights will be paired with an Ultra-Dimensional Portal! By clicking on any UDP, a hole will be punched in space-time, and your consciousness will be projected astrally.

Got it? Okay, here’s one last look at 2012!

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Goddamn! I really hate the fact that Clerks is creeping up on its 20th anniversary. I suppose there will be few more appropriate ways to celebrate my blase and unimpressive existence that Clerks has helped shape so greatly than by catching the epic conclusion to the franchise.

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More Star Trek Into Darkness images than you could fit in Santa’s sleigh. Also, it’s got a teeny plot description and Oh My Goodness it is generic action movie flair.

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It’s Christmas Eve, and you’d damn well better hope that you’ve been good this year.

Why is that? Well, I just got off the phone with Santa Claus. He’s doing well. He’s busy, of course, but things are goin’ his way. His stocks’re on the rise. He left that frumpy wife of his and snagged a lover more to his liking. And he’s decided to finally stop being so damn soft on those perennial  residents of the Naughty List. Given what St. Nick has in store for this year’s crop of bad boys and girls, coal in the stocking is going to look like a walk in the park.

If you haven’t been good for goodness’ sake, Santa Claus is going to rock you with an atomic leg-drop.

There’s no way to know  ahead of time whether you’ll be gettin’ a Furby or a beatdown from Santa. You’ll just have to wait until tomorrow morning — either you’ll wake up to open presents in your pajamas, or you’ll wake up with missing teeth and cracked ribs. But why don’t we share some ways to pass the time until then? Hell, this is the Monday Morning Commute, the very spot where we meet to discuss the various ways we’ll be entertaining ourselves.

After all, it’s easy to get bested by the ennui-daemons and work-overlords. If we don’t take the time to enjoy ourselves, we’ll die as nothing more than the miserable, boring wretches that the Man wants us to be. So let’s rebel! Our bosses don’t own our souls, and Santa may break our backs, but he can’t break our spirits!

C’mon, let’s do this!

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I don’t really know Guardians of the Galaxy, so I’m going to outsource my opinion to you folks more familiar. Who of these two finalists would you most like to see as the lead in the upcoming movie adaptation?

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Terrence Malick is perhaps the most unique American filmmaker working today. Meticulous yet wandering, his work is instantly identifiable. A brief clip or even a shot from any one his movies screams “Malick”–a surefire sign of an artist doing his own thing and doing it damn well. And the trailer for his newest film To The Wonder is no exception. It is utterly gorgeous. Check it out after the jump.

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