This is Variant Covers. Keep your fucking fingers off the cover. Mind the spine, yo. The comic book column where I spit with vitriol, glee, and mostly confusion about the books dropping this week. Hit the comments section with derisive, witty, or contributory recommendations and comments.

Shazam.

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Thor: The Mighty Avenger #6
My friends, we have failed. As comic book reading collective, we have failed. Failed hard. Last weekend news leaked out that Thor: The Mighty Avenger was getting axed. This is nothing sort of a calamitous disregard for one of the most wondrous, beautiful mainstream titles hitting shelves. Canned, canned, canned. While other titles are hitting the shelves, depleted of quality, offering nothing new to existing mythos. I am significantly bummed out about this. Half of me wants to recommend nothing more than this title. A militant stance. But alas, there’s other worthwhile shit dropping, and that would be unfair to them.

But!, please, check this shit out tomorrow. The good news is that apparently they’ve been given the ability to wrap up the storyline by the final installment in January. You’re only six issues behind. It’ll cost you nothing more than something like twenty-four Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. It’s a refreshing take on an existing origin. The dialogue is great, the artwork is gorgeous. Both of these creators, Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee will assuredly continue on doing dope work somewhere else.

But still. Hit this while you can.

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Elsewhere In the Marvel Universe:
Thankfully, I don’t think we’re failing in regard to following Hickman’s current work on the Fantastic Four. Tomorrow sees the release of Fantastic Four #585, which promises to work towards the conclusion of the “Three” storyline. I have a good idea that someone is going to die. I think maybe the storyline’s name gives that away. Hickman’s continues Reed Richard’s desire to solve everything while grounding it with a thunderous round of heart and humor. Last month when Ben Grimm got his one-week of humanity back, and went to see Alicia? I teared up. I know, fuck me.

Also dropping is Captain America #612 which follows Bucky as he goes on trial for his crimes as the Winter Soldier. While I like the story, and generally everything Brubaker does, I’m wondering how long he’s going to examine Bucky’s guilt over his past. Fair enough it’s been introspective to this point, and now he’s dealing with the public outrage regarding it. As I said, I still dig it. And finally, Invincible Iron Man #32 promises to be a slobberknocker, as Iron Man throws down with Detroit Steel. Fraction penned action scenes being realized by Salvador Larroca? I’m there.

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My boy the Bonesaw pointed this shit in my direction. The Adidas x Star Wars sneakers for the Fall/Winter. The motherfuckin’ Super Death Star Stormtrooper! Oh good lord, my loins ache for these. Do they make them in a 15? Of course not. Fuck my bloated feet bones!

Hit the jump for a gallery of the Star Wars hotness that I can’t wear.

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So this is what Nintendo felt like they needed to trademark “It’s On Like Donkey Kong!” for? Outstanding. Yup. This is it. The best part about the advertisement is the next line. Where they urge everyone to hold onto our bananas. Well then! I’ll just grab my cock and get ready to play this shit!

It’s on!

I’ve tried not to think about it, since it milked tears from my fanboy eyes. But since we’re all dragging it out into the open, I’ve long held that Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale were probably going to throw up peace signs and exit stage left after the third Batman movie. Not only did I think it probable, but a good portion of me wants them to. Tell their tale, and then go on their way. Why not leave the game on top, having capped off their arch? Sometimes it’s cool to go out on top, as opposed to dwindling into oblivion.

Well, Christian Bale has got these ruminations rumbling while doing press for his upcoming flick The Fighter. Slashfilm broke down the conversation, which is circuitous, and really may be nothing more than Bale being coy.

Slashfilm:

I believe, unless Chris [Nolan] says different, this will be the last time I’m playing Batman.

So, the obvious follow up would be, do you think Nolan might say differently? Here’s what Bale responded with.

Until Chris tells me, I don’t believe it, It’s gotta be from his mouth, or else I don’t really know.

So, was there a time when Nolan told him that he was only doing three movies? Or is he just playing coy? He’s placing the entire onus in Nolan’s hands, which is a neat way of avoiding saying you’re ready to give up the role that made you a gazillionaire, right?

[Source: James Harren via Rampaged Reality]

I had the greatest idea yesterday. It involved a musical I’m going to put on. The star will be none other than my hero, the Martian. Aka Weezy F. Baby. It isn’t going to be an original production, but rather a reimagining of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Check this shit out.

Ready?

Weezy Wonka and the Sizzurp Factory. I realized that this was a go when I pictured little kids swimming around in one of those Wonka lakes, but it’s made up of fucking cough syrup with codeine and Sprite. Sizzurp in the house! I can’t tell you why I was picturing little kids swimming in lakes of codeine cough syrup. Like, I literally have no idea how I arrived at that thought. Who knows!

Also, maybe the kids can prance through cannabis gardens, and they’ll get shot out of a fucking cannon by little midget helper people when they start smoking too much and the what not.

Weezy Wonka. It can’t be worse than that deep-fried abortion that Johnny Chucklefuck Depp and Timmy Totally Kooky Burton put out a couple of years ago. Right?

Who wants in? I’m currently casting as well as soliciting donations.

Hello there, my name is Rendar Frankenstein and I am a real science fictional being. Living in the year 2010, I am endowed with a number of futuristic powers, including instantaneous global communication, access to digital television, and the ability to ward off disease with a pill. I have a portable computer and after I consume enough caffeine it extracts stories from me.

I feel sorry for the chronically nostalgic.

Monday Morning Commute.   With the workweek rearing its ugly head, we all need movies, books, music, comics and other distractions to stay strong. On Mondays I’m going to tell you about the various ways I’ll be spending my time in the upcoming week. Give my list a glance, then tell me what you’re using to curb the 9-5 blues.

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Listening / My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
I have had a real up-and-down relationship with Kanye West. On the one hand, his first three efforts (The College Dropout, Late Registration, and Graduation) are three of my all-time favorite albums. But 2008’s 808s and Heartbreak was a truly depressing collection, as it not only demonstrated the fickle nature of inspiration but the public’s mindset of putting the cart before the horse. Then, of course, there is the fact that Mr. West has serious mental problems and is an arrogant bastard.

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[enlarge]

Who can say no to this shit? For starters, you get to wait on a dude hand and foot. Plus, you get free ass beer. And!, I bet he doesn’t realize you could totally gank those beer cans and turn them in for nickles. This shit probably isn’t legit, which is a shame, because I have a winter break coming up.

This is the sort of dorky, bonerfying bullshit that makes me want a Kinect. The ability to act like an asshole, and total techno-wankery. I stipulated in the past that geeks hacking the Kinect are going to pull off some impractical, useless, but cool things. Case in point baby! Case. In. Point. As many have said, now we can all act like Lightsaber Kid in the glory of our own home. A real time tracking and rendering lightsaber on your computer monitor.

Dorky. Cool. Useless. Wankery. Well done.

Hit the jump for video.

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This is why I’m an unprincipled asshole. Well, among other things. You see, despite being totally meh (at best) about the Green Lantern trailer, I’m still excited for it. How does that work? I have no idea. Today, Bleeding Cool posted a few images from the movie, and I have to say, I dig on Parallax, if the artwork in question really is from the movie. Looks pretty god damn cool.

Hit the jump for the potential picture of Parallax, as well as Peter Sarsgaard with a considerably swollen dome-piece.

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