I suppose this is it, folks. The big virtual reality push. In a couple of years, we’re all going to be looking back at this moment. Wondering how anyone really thought it was going to take off. Or, ideally. We’ll be looking back at this moment as the catalyst for the technological progression that ended with me wearing a headset. Covered in teledildonic devices. Using my haptic gloves to stroke a furry with a priapism half a world a way.
I truthfully wouldn’t be surprised by either of these developments. But I’m hoping for the latter.
John Wick is getting a fucking VR first-person shooters. I don’t think I’ll ever play this game. But I love the news. Fucking *love* it. You see, I had my doubts anyone would even give a fuck about the wonderful movie. Now it’s getting a goddamn sequel. And a fucking VR game.
Open up your checklist of companies getting into the VR game, and add one you were probably expecting. Valve!
Google Glass! You poor sack of shit! You were cool for like nine minutes! But then Oculus Rift rolled up and nabbed the attention you were garnering. Pulled down your pants, dismissively flicked your beans, and then stole your bae. But apparently you ain’t taking this laying-lying-laying down. No! You sure ain’t, and 2015 is going to be your year. With your buddy Intel helpin’ out.
Fuck yeah! How is a Console Cowboy supposed to surf the CyberScape without some gnarly VR gloves? And a body suit? Eh? Answer me that, Zuckerberg and Carmack! Ya Fucks! It’s totally killing the metaphor, man. Having to type and shit. Thankfully Control VR got our asses covered.
Do you know what you are if you’re a tech company, and you’re not working on a VR headset? A BIG FAT TURKEY, ASS-EATER. Now mind you I’m okay with a) turkeys and b) eating ass, but I’m just typing that the voices tell me I should type.
Facebook has bought Oculus Rift. This is either the worst thing ever, or the idea of a virtual reality wherein I can finally attend to my dreams of surfing the Metaverse as a console cowboy is coming true. Most likely though — you’re all just going to be able to see my tattered anus scraps in all the dimensions you could ever ask for. I look forward to offending everyone in new, amazing ways.
I’m just imbuing this story with all sorts of things that aren’t true. Probably. Probably made-up. Like this dude who has left Valve for Oculus was totally poached from The Gabe Company. Top secret dinners. Libations and young sacrifices promised. He signed with Oculus in blood, as John Carmack stood in the corner jerking off over an original printing of Atlas Shrugged. That’s what I envision. ‘Cause if I don’t, it’s just moar “blah blah VR is wonderful, blah blah” rhetoric.
Nintendo are keen on poking the bear this week. For the purposes of this metaphor I shall be playing the bear and the poking stick is represented by the recent glut of Wii U announcements. They’re poking me into a fevered state where I suddenly find myself compelled to pre-order a brand new console and then feel dirty about it afterwards. I have some genuine soul-searching to do.