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The newest Final Fantasy XIII clip to leak from god knows where and uploaded by god knows who to the internet shows clips from the newest trailer that was totally secret and not shown to the public. How do I know? Because I find this at Kotaku and they were like “This is exactly like the stuff we saw and you didn’t. Because it was secret. But we saw it anyways. We saw the secret clip. That you didn’t.” Check out the video after the jump.

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I like keeping it real with ya’ll. When I’m running on raw emotion, I’ll admit it. And so for full disclosure, I’ve bought both of the games I’m about to discuss.

The very same day that I report that Arkham Asylum has sold TWO MILLION ZOMG copies, EA CEO admits that Madden sales are dropping:

Via Kotaku:

Madden NFL 10 leads the NPD Group’s top ten with 928,000 units sold on the Xbox 360. That’s a drop from last year’s cool million. And while Madden sales were up year-over-year on the PlayStation 3, the game suffered on the PlayStation 2 and Wii, with the sports game moving less than half of what it did on the PS2 from the same period last year.

All told, Madden NFL 10 managed to move 1.9 million copies across all platforms in August, down from the 2.2 million-plus Madden NFL 09 managed last year.

Now listen, that’s still an insane amount of copies. But I’ve always looked at Madden as something primarily for frat boys and jocks. And not cool frat boys and cool jocks. There, I covered myself. So to see it getting outsold by a comic book character‘s video game makes me swell with glee. It’s juvenile, but I cackled a little bit to myself. Sorry EA! Sorry your recycled money-machine that really doesn’t change much every year isn’t printing out the cash like it usually does.

C’est la vie, blowhards!

Arkham Asylum sells two million copies in two weeks. Good god damn! Pay attention, gaming companies! Usually comic book/movie video games eat raw ass. Tons of it. Gobble them out. And maybe the titles, while craptacular will sell to a few mouth-breathing fans and diehards. But spend some time on a comic book game, and what happens? Shit blows up! Arkham Asylum is one of the highest rated games of the year. It’s selling a million copies a week. And more importantly, Eidos has just established a franchise. Churn out crap, and maybe you’ll trick people into buying a title. But blow their god damn heads off, and you’ve gotten repeat customers.

Seriously, anything that follows this game up will be automatically bought by many, including me, because it’s the sequel to Arkham Asylum.

It’s simple, you can churn out slop and hope some tardholes pick it up. Or you can be the rare company that doesn’t rush out a comic book or video game movie, and reap the rewards.

If you know me, you know that I buy all multi-platform games for my 360. Why? Because I’m a douchebag, duh! Just kidding about the d-bag part. But seriously, why? Because they’re better. Apparently European Microsoft Czar Chris Lewis agrees with me! Go figure!

Via Destructoid:

We have a great journey through to Christmas,” boasts Lewis. “There are key titles that are exclusives but also great cross-platform titles that will just work better on Xbox Live. And in terms of content and networking, we have more content partnerships for Xbox Live.

Countless friends of mine want to punch me in the face. Listen, I’ll break it down for you. And here’s a caveat and please don’t disregard this: I’m buying Final Fantasy XIII on the PS3, and should policy and quality shift, I will flow with it. I’m not a blind fanboy. Click the jump for my reasonings.

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It’s already been announced that Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma is going to feature boobs you can shake with your Sixaxis controller. In the following clip, NG2’s producer Yosuke Hayashi teaches nerds in a Spain just how to handle those breasts. I wish someone had taught me how to handle boobs when I was a fat little kid. The first time I saw a pair of bare breasts I freaked out and launched at them like I was Bilbo in Rivendell from Fellowship. ROARRRR and then I just drooled on them a lot. Check out the video after the jump.

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When the Earth was created, there was the PS3. Now there’s the Ps3 Slim. Soon, it looks like there’s going to be the 250gb Ps3 Slim. And even after that, apparently there’s going to be another god damn version of a Ps3 with 3D hardware integrated into it. Strap on your googles, assholes, and get ready to shake your Sony Wiimoteshock at fluttering butterflies or some shit:

Via Kotaku:

According to a Sony rep speaking with Cnet, “over the following two or three years” Sony will begin installing hardware inside the PS3 that will enable the console to display games in 3D.

Fuckkkkkkk. God dammit Sony, come on. I bought your piece of crap PS3 back in 2006 when there were no titles for it, because I’m a hardcore asshole. I just needed it. You prey on people like me. But god dammit, don’t make me buy another console. If your lame-assed 3D plans only become some sort of auxiliary option, that’s fine, whatever. Be a fruit cake. But if I can’t play God of War and Clank 3 because I don’t have the appropriate version of PS3 I’m going to lose my god damn mind.

3D gaming? Fucking come on. This isn’t Universal Studios. I’m a crotchety old man, I cry foul. All the causal d-bags who have propelled a glorified peripheral (the Wii) to insane installed bases will probably straight up ejaculate at the prospect.

To you, I say, catch PAX-Nerd-Flu.

Simply put, Michael Jackson refuses to die. Here he is, sneaking into Final Fantasy XIII. What’s that you said, that’s not MJ? Well, okay. According the the “truth”,

Via Kotaku:

It’s already been confirmed that Sazh was a father – details were scant, however. Here is a first look at his son, who is named “Dodge” and also has an afro.

Sorry guys, can’t trick me. This is Michael Jackson if I’ve ever seen him. Looking all human again. Michael Jackson is like Jean Grey or some shit, reviving from the ashes. Actually, he probably just equipped a Final Attack+Phoenix materia before he passed. Welcome back, little man!

A new 2D Sonic game in HD coming in 2010. Are you excited? Don’t be a dullard!

Sonic games have blown hard for the last ten years, the original Sonic Adventure for the Dreamcast being the last one I gave a fuck about. Sonic Unleashed was supposed to be super-tight, but then somehow ended up featuring night levels where you galloped about as some stupid fucking Werehog. No, I’m not making that up.

So I’ve thrown in my hat with this franchise. It’s left me saddened as my TOTALLY EXTREME BLAST-PROCESSING friend has broken my heart over and over. This has the potential to be ballin’, but I’d bet Yuji Naka’s testicles it’s going to let us down.

You know what I do late at night? I lay down, turn my PS3 on, and I watch some hi-definition porn off of a USB stick. Or, I stream internet porn through my PS3. In hi-definition. So obviously, hi-definition porn and PS3 were a match made in Heaven. Sploogey gooey Heaven. Right? FUCK YES, says Steven Hirsch the owner of porn empire Vivid Entertainment:

Via Destructoid:

Steven Hirsch, founder of the world’s biggest porn film distributor, Vivid Entertainment, has called on Sony to provide HD pornography on the PlayStation Network, declaring that the PS3 has “real potential” as a conduit through which wank material can pour into the homes of lonely young men. He’s got a point.

“We hope that Sony will allow adult movies to be downloaded worldwide,” claims Hirsch. “It’s too early to say to what extent this could help our business, but it certainly has real potential.

“As long as proper age verification is in place there is no reason why consumers should not be allowed to view adult movies on any device that they desire.”

It makes so much sense, it’s probably not going to happen. OF COURSE, it’s already on the Japanese PSN. But here in North America, home of the Puritans and Magical Book Worshippers, nudity is totally OMFG no.

C’mon Obamanites, drop down your Macbook and latte and join me in a YES WE CAN, for boners and boobs on our PS3s. Change we can believe in.

OMFG, FFXIII is Japanese dated, right? Well guess what, “International Gamers”, Square Enix boss Yoichi Wada has a release date for you:

Via Destructoid:

“In the past, it’s taken a year or half a year to release our games abroad, but this time we are aiming for an international release this Spring”

Uhh…Spring? I wasn’t happy with this, so I raised my hand.

Uh, you’re like, fucking around, right? Spring? Like, sometime between March 20 and like uh…June something? Fuck, my elementary school education is lost in a pile of pills and caffeine. Seriously though, when?

And he responded,

Sometime in Spring. It may even be Australian spring. How do you like me now, addicted gamer bitch?

He then flipped me off, grabbed his crotch, and left the stage.

Spring. Well fuck. I’m starting graduate school in January, so if I may make a suggestion: Either during Spring Break in March, or at the beginning of May.