Bayonetta is going to be one of those things that I’m not going to stop talking about until I play it. Every week seems to bring another god damn revelation that pushes me towards the brink of both human, and gamer climax. Last week it was a Japanese commercial that featured “Nonstop Climax Action” and a Bayonetta sucking a lollipop. This week? Bayonetta butt cheeks. Butt cheeks are awesome. Seriously. Male and female bums are cool, and the cheeks are a big part of the hotness.

Well, apparently a demo for Bayonetta is out, and it features her and her butt cheeks. Why, you ask? Tell them, Destructoid!

Bayonetta’s magical hair wraps around her body and acts like clothing. The hair is also used in a variety of attacks, able to form fists, boots and huge monsters. The beauty of this system is that every time Bayonetta pulls off a combo, she loses her clothes. The more impressive the move, the more naked she gets. It’s genius on a fiendish level.

Let me break it down for you guys. This is fucking phenomenal.

1. The more ass you kick
2. The more ass you see

This is brilliance.

Ah, Bayonetta. On a nightly basis, I get into debates with myself over the merits of Bayonetta. On one hand, it seems like an amazing game. It stars a gorgeous woman with GLASSES, and features Devil May Cry-esque gameplay. On the other hand, it seems like the most amazing and flagrant female objectification in a long time. I take a moral stand for about fourteen seconds, before I’m amazingly defenseless in the face of a gorgeous woman and sleek gameplay.

Fearful of being outdone by anyone in the super-sexy-uber-sexual game department, Capcom has released a commercial for Bayonetta in Japan which features cleavage, ass shots, and yes, lollipop sucking. Top it all off with the tagline, “Nonstop Climax Action.” Amazing.

Check the video out after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Time Line:

Sony releases the PS3 Slim.

I say to myself, that’s hot as hell. But Ian, you’re broke and unemployed, you can’t afford it.

Gamestop announces you can get 150$ towards a PS3 Slim if you trade in your old PS3. I begin to waver.

Not Sony shows this FFXII Themes PS3 Slim.

My conviction continually wavers. It’s fucking hot. I generally don’t enjoy Game-Themed consoles. I may, it’s not my Final Fantasy XIII-player. It’s a general console. I know it’s irrational, OCD type shit. And I know I’ll hold strong…despite this. Probably. But if I was ever going to buy a themed console. It’d probably be this. Jesus.

Ah, god bless the shitty motion controls gimmick. I thought it was going to die. I thought that maybe, somehow, people weren’t going to dig it. But now everyone is into it.

And then, somehow, I thought that maybe shitty motion controls remakes would be relegated to the Wii. Stupid Resident Evil 4 with motion controls. The Metroid Prime games re-released with motion controls. I mean, what’s worse than the stupid gimmick that is motion controls? Making some cheap cash off of rehashes with the gimmick smashed into it.

Well guess what, PS3 fans! Apparently you’re going to get to re-buy Resident Evil 5 and Littlebigplanet so you can shake your little wrist to make them uh, do stuff:

Via Kotaku:

Well, we now know what that “Resident Evil 5: Director’s Cut” stuff was all about. It’s a re-release of RE5, built to take advantage of Sony’s upcoming motion controller.

The game will be out in Spring 2010, and it’s far from the only existing PS3 title to take advantage of the new peripheral. During SCEJ’s TGS press conference, Sony’s Shuhei Yoshida revealed that the controller will also work with existing games like LittleBigPlanet, EyePet, Flower, Pain, High Velocity Bowling “and more”.

Sick! More phallus-shaking action! Christ, between jacking off compulsively and now wasting money on shitty motion-based rehashes, I’ll have the wrist of a god! Which is uh, good for nothing.

Fallout 3 is one of my favorite goddamn games of this generation. And unlike some people’s DLC (looking at you, Bioware), their episodic releases have been jack-worthy. If I was a Fallout 3 zealot and I only owned a PS3 I would have been pulling my hair out. Them DLCs have been 360 exclusive for a while now. But rejoice, PS3 Wastelanders:

Via Kotaku:

The first DLC to hit the PS3 version of Fallout 3 will be Broken Steel, available Sept. 24. That will be followed by Operation: Anchorage and The Pitt on Oct. 1, and Point Lookout and Mothership Zeta on Oct. 8.

Good lord they’re coming at you quickly. Prepare to take one off the tits. But seriously, with this release, the whole “360 has teh uber exclusives” argument continues to erode. Oh snap! It looks like PS3 just slapped the 360’s sandwich out of its hand.

Yes, Uncharted 2 features Twitter integration. Wowzers. What exactly can you tweet?

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Oh man! On the same day that the Halo 3: ODST 250gb bundle was announced, Engadget reports that there’s a Uncharted 2 250gb bundle coming to the PS3. I love the fact that both Sony and Microsoft are taking uppercuts at one another. It’s fun to watch, and it’s creating all sorts of ridiculous bundles and deals. Sure, I bought the 360 and PS3 at launch. So really I don’t have any direct benefit from it. But it’s great to see the two giants fighting over our dollars.

Right now? How can you pass up a PS3 Slim with 250gb of space and Uncharted 2 for the ODST bundle? You’re getting a superior game and a Blu-Ray player. Hot.

Oh Kenny Kutaragi, if only you were still active at Sony! You’d be doing cartwheels! The PS3 is selling like god damn hotcakes:

Via Gamesindustry.biz

Our top retailers have reported a 300 per cent lift in PS3 hardware sales and an increase of 140 per cent in total hardware revenue across the PlayStation portfolio when comparing the first week of September to the week before the USD 299 price adjustment,” said Sony in a statement.

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Wait, you mean three-thousand music games, four zillion peripherals and a thousand downloads will over-saturate the market? I don’t understand. Guess that’s why I’m not an economist.

Via Destructoid:

NPD Group’s Anita Frazier has cast a grim outlook on the formerly booming music game market, revealing that sales are down 46% from last year.

I just can’t understand how this is happening!

My name is Ian Drinkwater, and I want streaming pornography on the Playstation 3. I want it sold from the Playstation store. I want to be able to click on a menu selection and choose from Goopy Load Wunders 9 or Teasing A Tasmanian She-devil. I want all of this, and I don’t see any good reason why I shouldn’t receive my wish. While there are countless valid arguments for the prohibition of porn from the PS3, I don’t think any of them are solid enough to keep my beautiful dream from coming to fruition.

I don’t have any sort of moralistic argument in support of porn. That debate is old-hat, and either you watch porn or you are miserable and kick kittens. I have done some research, and this is precisely how the two groups break down:

People who dabble in the pornographics

People so unhappy they go straight in the “Right Hand Turn Only Lane”, spend their time writing Left 4 Dead manifestos, try and tell me I have a chemical addiction or two, and still write checks at the supermarket.

I’m arguing against this argument I usually hear:

You want pornographic movies to be sold on a gaming console marketed to kids. And let’s be real, no matter what sort of restrictions you put the console, them kids will always find a way to get around it.

That’s the sort of shit my girlfriend came at me with when I initially broached the topic of PS3 porn with her. I described what I found to be Heaven to her:

Babe, you don’t understand! There’s this network, and you click on it, and they sell movies. Well, the dude from Vivid (do you know what Vivid is? Oh, okay, good), wants to put porn on the network. You could just click on a button and get porn! Isn’t that amazing?!?!!?!?!?

It freaked her out, because I was actually yelling “QUESTION MARK, EXCLAMATION POINT, QUESTION MARKRRRRRK.” I had lost it. Let me tell you, if you combine porn with caffeine, my head almost pops off.

But yeah Ian, you want on porn on something marketed for kids.

Not really. Not at all. Listen, the PS3 is an expensive piece of impressive technology. This isn’t some Nintendo 64, or even a Wii. It’s got Blu-Ray, it has equipment that is significantly more complicated to set-up. Kids who are in little league are not going to be the majority demographic here. That’s not what Sony is marketing towards. Their core audience is people like me. In their twenties or so.

Wonderful girlfriend hopped onto the Internet. With the clickety-clack of the keyboards she asked Mr. Google if I was right. Mr. Google has become the great ender of debates for my generation. Everything can be proven with minimal keystrokes.

Do you think I’d bring this up if I was wrong? Of course not!

Via Gamer.blore:

Nielsen Media Research tried to prove the point by tracking usage data by age and gender for all three of the home consoles. Console activity in all National TV Panel homes was measured.

The PS3 generally seems to appeal to the older generation, with no young kids anywhere in the mix… Both males and females saw the largest usage amongst the 18 to 24-age range.

In an interview about the Playstation Network, where this porn would be bought, PSN director of operations says the PSN demographic is:

Via Kotaku:

Primarily male. The average age is 28 years old, in usually the middle- to higher-income range. They over-index against those with graduate degrees.

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