VARIANT COVERS, the comic book column that fucking adores caps lock and funny books. VARIANT COVERS, the comic book column that covers all the new releases that I’m giggling over with wet panties and glassy eyes VARIANT COVERS, the column that encourages you to share your own picks of the week.

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The Arctic Marauder [Graphic Novel].
These are several things I hadn’t heard of until today when I was browsing various columns on tomorrow’s comic book releases: icepunk, The Arctic Marauder, and Jacques Tardi. I realize this makes me a philistine. I apologize. This graphic novel is a rerelease of a 1972 work by the aforementioned Tardi, and it has me intrigued.

Published by Fantagraphics, the concept sounds fucking outstanding, “Jérôme Plumier, whose search for his missing uncle, the inventor Louis-Ferdinand Chapoutier, brings him into contact with the sinister, frigid forces behind this – and soon he too is headed towards the North Pole, where he will content with mad scientists, monsters of the deep, and futuristic submarines and flying machines.”

Color me ignorant but trying desperately to correct the problem.

Sold.

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Fear Itself: Book of the Skull.
This would be the one-shot that is leading up to Marvel’s next event, Fear Itself. Normally I lob dung bombs at what I perceive to be obvious money-making measures in the comic book world. I know. However, I am also an  unprincipled  son of a bitch, and a huge Brubaker fanboy. What exactly is going to happen in this title? I don’t have a goddamn clue. But it does feature the Red Skull puking up Captain America and Namor, so there’s that.

If you’re really wondering, it has something to do with Red Skull’s daughter having all the dastardly secrets of her father, and she’s planning on doing…something also dastardly with them.

Also From Marvel: Uncanny X-Force 5.1. If you’re not reading this series, True Believers, this pig will catch you up. Trust me, it’s worth it.

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I’m stoked for X-Men: First Class. The more I see of it, the more I’m vibing with the retro approach to the whole fiasco. So I was totally stoked for this Communist trailer for the upcoming flick. There’s a few new scenes, including Magneto rocking out with his powers as a young kid.

Hit the jump for the video.

Droogies.

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Oh come off it. You know when you were a teenager, with your hormones giving you boners in Geometry class and your jacking off to .gifs you downloaded in AOL Chatrooms that you loved the speculation regarding the Thing’s cock. It was hilarious to you in Mallrats when the question was raised to Stan Lee.

Well, now old Stan has finally answered the question. Yes, the Thing’s cock is orange. Oh yeah, and he also talks about Reeds’ super hog.

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Apparently the Magneto and Professor X character posters released last week were of the international sort. This week we’re treated to the US version, and oh fucking boy! Nothing is cooler than floating heads superimposed over silhouettes. Well, at least some comic book geek is probably having the graphic design internship of a lifetime.

Hit the jump for the posters.

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Ah, labor pains. The tremendous abdominal liquidations that come from strenuous exertion. It’s the middle of the semester for Seminal Idiot turned Teaching  Assistant  right here, and I’m ready for a break. I read a couple of comic books last weekend, and but for a moment, the skies opened up. Yes, I thought to myself. Perhaps it will get better. Here I am, though. It’s Tuesday, and I’m blasting through this column with little regard for grammatical form or editing. Per usual. I know.

This is Variant Covers.  Here are the comics I’m excited for this week.

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Don’t fret, True Believers. Marvel’s bin of possible comic book adaptations is never, ever going to run dry. Why, just today it’s been discovered that they’re bringing the fucking Inhumans to the big screen.

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Iron Man 2 was fun. It was also forgettable, and it strove so hard to integrate into a larger universe than it ended up getting lost in its own cross-marketing bullshit. Recently named director and apparent writer of the third flick, Shane Black, addressed all of this at the Omaha Film Festival this past weekend.

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Since the Charlie Sheen meltdown began, I was pretty sure that the most obvious thing for him to do was a buddy action flick with Nic Cage. If you follow the Omega, you know why this should be stunningly apparent: Nic Cage is fucking amazing, and also fucking insane.

But I wasn’t thinking broad enough. Also awesome would be a Charlie Sheen team-up with motherfucking Deadpool. Thankfully, Ben Christian and Cory Smith dreamed where I slept.

Hit the jump for a gnarly combination of insanity.

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Marvel dropped some a new poster and banner for the upcoming Thor movie. Oh Thor, you bearded stud.

Hit the jump for these babies.

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Ever since the Super Bowl Trailer for Captain America: The First Avenger dropped, my expectations for the movie have been recuperated. Probably not the best precedent to be set. It’s always better to go in with ground floor anticipation, that way anything can blow your tits off. One of the dopest things about the trailer was Hugo Weaving gettin’ his Red Skull on. So it’s of particular excitement to me that this week’s Entertainment Weekly has the first official photo of him as the Red Faced Prick.

Hit the jump for the photo, and some quasi-spoilerish details.

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