Oh Disney. You shit-ass. Debuting the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer in only nine Regal Cinemas. The closest one to me in NYC. Which means that if I want to see it, I’ll fittingly have to descend into the most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy I can imagine. I’m hoping, like, as Riff pointed out to me in response to a frantic text, that maybe these are just the Regal cinemas that are playing it?

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Confirmed! The Force Awakens is getting itself a fucking trailer this fucking week in fucking theaters. Rendar and I might live through the entire trailer. Or our hearts may give out. Our dicks break. Our juices exhaust themselves. Either way. A valiant death or a wonderful life. This news piggy backs on the rumor I covered yesterday — that the sumbitch is dropping next week in 100 theaters, running before every showing of every flick.

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Man. Yesterday Slashfilm reported that The Force Awakens wouldn’t get a trailer before The Hobbit: Battle of Blah Armies. The report said that Disney was thinking “much bigger” than that. But if this rumor is true? Holy shit. Apparently next weekend the film is going to show before every single showing of every single movie in 100 theaters.

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Here’s some fucking Star Wars: The Force Awakens non-news. John Williams has officially recorded music for Episode VII‘s teaser trailer. Doesn’t do anything for you? It’s like those chaps Fall Out Guys said in that one song: I don’t care if you don’t care ’cause Pete Wendy’s dick.  And if you didn’t think this excites me, I have the crapped-pants and the remnants of the wall I ran through to prove it.

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I wish you could understand how much finding out the official title for Episode VII means to me. I am a Star Wars dick-lord fawning fanboy. Who never thought he’d seen another Star Wars, let alone one which may actually be good. It ain’t even about the title itself. It’s the function the title serves. An obvious reminder that gets my balls a-twitter. This movie is real.

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BEEN A FUCKING MINUTE, EH? I’ve been ruining this site with so much Marvel Movie Coverage that I almost went a week without talking about my other site-ruining obsession. Star Wars. Well don’t celebrate yet, Non-Existent Readers. ‘Cause we got ourselves some Episode VII non-news.

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Electronic (Dark, Satanic) Arts has announced that Star Wars Battlefront ain’t dropping until late next year. Which isn’t surprising to any dick-lord who remembers that Episode VII ain’t arriving until December of 2015. So like, you know. Synergy. Cross-medium mutual-product masturbation. Or something. I don’t know. It’s late, and the thirteen Monsters in my bloodstream are beginning to bid adieu.

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Cliff Chiang produced a gorgeous poster back in the day. Before Star Wars Lived Again. Now said poster is being employed around STAR WARS FILMING CENTRAL HUB to remind motherfuckers to stop leaking EVERY GODDAMN THING.

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Yesterday the valves on the S.S. Star Wars once again leaked concept art deep into the sea of pop culture. Quickly dispersing potential concept art featuring both new stormtrooper designs and a potential lightsaber duel across the Inter-Nets. I mean we sort of figured there would be a lightsaber duel in a Star Wars movie, but the art is all sorts of spoilerish. So if you’re a Spoiler Slut like me, check out the goodies post-break.

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Jar Jar Abrams and Baddie Robotz have revealed the first official video glimpse of the Millennium Falcon from Episode VII. And as a little bonus, there’s a cameo from the fuckin’ Batmobile. It’s the latest batch of glad-handing and mutual masturbation between Snyder, Abrams, and their mutual mega-movies.

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