Oh shit! I’ve been gone for a minute. Went deep, deep into a Star Wars-induced blackout last week. Then every time I began to peak my head out, someone wanted to know: what did I think, how did I feel, was it as good as the originals? (c’mon now!), how many times have you seen it? (three!), how many times do you want to see it? (seven, at least), when are you seeing it again? (tonight, by myself!) did it meet your expectations (my logical ones, not my emotional ones), on and on. And I realized, in that moment, that I really just wanted to digest the entire thing by myself. Or rather, not on the internet. Writ large.

But I’m back! This is Tuesday Afternoon Commute! Semester break finally begins for me, today. And it’s mere days until Christmas. So let’s hang out. What’s on your mind, what’s on your plate this week?

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I am no great leader of men. I am not good at planning, or issuing commands. For many that may be difficult to admit, but I find leaning into your strengths and acknowledging your weaknesses is the best route. I am no great leader of men, but I’m certainly quite adept at being their right hand man. I think this is one of the reasons I get along with my wife, Sam. She is an Alpha-Human, designed to implement designs. Bend reality to her will. And I’m there to. You know. Make her laugh at the end of a long day of being professional and powerful and whatever. I can’t budget, I can’t conceive of running conferences like her. But when she’s hungry I can get her a bagel. Listen, it’s not the most glamorous life. But when you’ve caught the tail of a brilliant, gorgeous comet, you play to your strengths.

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It’s the fucking weekend! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may! And fucking smoke them! Get lifted, ascend to a new level of Enlightenment! And then waste that Enlightenment on video games, comic books, hikes in the woods, eating too much! Whatever the fuck you want to do this weekend! But so long as you’re smoking them rose buds, crushing them Adult Sodas, and enjoying a break from the work week, hang out here! At the Weekend Open Bar! Anything goes as long as it is in the spirit of celebration. Unless it’s lighting your pubes on fire in the bathroom. We’ve had a spat of that lately (sorry), and we still can’t get the smell out of the pineapple wallpaper.

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It’s the fucking Weekend, yo! At least for me. I bailed on my job a smidgen early. Samantha (the bae) is getting home from a week on business in Lisbon, Portugal. So I was all like, “Yeah fuck helping the youth for the rest of the day. I’m going to get home, throw the crumbs off the bedsheets, and wash my ass.” And here I am! Unwashed, and drawing the Bar doors Open. If you’re new to this game, this little morsel of Omega is simple.

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Watch your fucking step. It’s a goddamn cold one out there. At least if you’re like yours truly, living in the Northeast Quadrant of the Empire Proper. But should not grouse too loudly, for I am lucky enough to be able to ignite the heating-systems on my room in the Space-Ship. Huddle up underneath blankets of Local Sporting Team, plug into the OMNI-NETS, and converse with you folk. The specific topic of our conversation? Well seeing that this is Monday Morning Commute, let us discus what we are stoked for this week. What are the TV shows, sporting events, philosophical treatises, and tumblr accounts getting you through this latest installment of grind?

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Looks like Marvel is remastering the original Star Wars comic book adaptation. This news is deeply interesting (okay not deeply) to me as someone who has never read this motherfucker.  Oversized? Recolored? I’m there, there.

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A wise man once said, “we all dead, fuck it.” This unwise man once heard those words and thought, “everything is pointless.” No no, I should not have taken it that way. And neither should you. Instead interpret its meaning thusly: time is limited, life is short at best, so spend it with loved ones, doing things you like. As much as possible. Given the grind, given the circumstance, given the chance, given the opportunity. And the Weekend for many is an opportunity to CARPE THIS AFOREMENTIONED DOPE SHIT.

I hope you’ll spend some of your weekend here. At the Open Bar. Communing with like-minded souls. Just trying to get by in this perpetually heating, perpetually diminishing, perpetually beautiful little Blue Orb in Space.

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I Eat Teeth.

You could say it’s an idiosyncrasy. Some people need to pull their socks up after they sit down. Some folks need to turn the faucet three times to the right before they can leave the bathroom. Others shine their shoes so they can look up them skirts on the subway train.

I Eat Teeth.

Big whup. Mom didn’t like it when she was around. But now she ain’t around. She’s behind the shed. And yet. Still.

I Eat Teeth.

Dad didn’t let me visit the nursing home no more after that one time. Didn’t think I should eat teeth. But now he ain’t around no more neither.

I Eat Teeth.

Mom, Dad, the Neighbors, the Teachers. I’m sure they had their own thing. Dad’s tissues next to the nightstand told me was up to somethin’. Mom’s perpetual change of clothes in her car. The Neighbors’ pool parties with their friends, the teacher’s eyes and the cheerleaders’ skirts. Don’t matter. We all got our thing.

I Eat Teeth.

Mom’s teeth, Dad’s teeth, Ted’s teeth, your teeth. But no worry. You live in me and I live in the Center and together we live forever.

I Eat Teeth.

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Yeah okay so I’m not a financialogist or whatever and I can’t read the inner sanctums of the economic markets and shit. So when I hear that graphic novel sales are up 10% at book stores, I can’t really analyze the actual repercussions. So I’m just going to celebrate the surface level victory.

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Hello, friends. And welcome to Weekend Open Bar. The column that sits us around the poisoned watering hole at the End of the Pop Culture Universe. It’s a little gathering we do every week. Where share how we’re celebrating the End of the (Theoretical) Work Week. Certainly many still work, but for others like myself there is the illusion of reprieve. I tell you what, it certainly will feel like an illusion tonight when I’m lesson planning for next week’s classes.

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