Monday Morning Commute: Calories Are A Harsh Mistress
Hello friends. Welcome aboard the Mother-Ship. Adopt your seat of choice. Notice how the syntho-foam molds itself perfectly to your buttocks. And — And! — should you telepathically wish it, begins to invade said buttocks. Go ahead. We didn’t spend all the money on the syntho-foam for nothing. We ain’t judging.Once you’re settled, pull the visors over your retinas and ingest this forthcoming list. The list? A drug-fueled (specifically antihistamines) delineation of the things I’m enjoying this week. Correlate the list within your rotting, offensive organic dome-piece. Whilst, of course, writhing against the synto-foam’s pseudo-phallus. Then when you’re done, hit the comments section with your own list of enjoyments.
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First Look: OPTIMUS PRIME is PISSED AS F**K in ‘TRANSFORMERS 4.’
HELL YEAH. OPTIMUS PRIME IS BACK, AND HE AIN’T TAKING YOUR SHIT. HE’S BEEN SHOTGUNNING RAW EGGS WITH MARKY MARK. GETTING SWOLE BEYOND BELIEF. CHECK OUT THIS FIRST LOOK AT HIM WITH HIS NEW BODY. RIPPED. PISSED. READ TO SNAPKICK ROBOTS INTO FUCKING OBLIVION.
Hit the jump to behold.
Apple buys company that MADE ORIGINAL KINECT. All Minority Report Everything.
The company that made the 1984 advertisement back in the day is doubling down on creepy future-tech. That’s right, Apple has bought the folks who made Microsoft’s original Kinect. And now there ain’t nothing holding back the Steve Jobs-nanobody robopocalypse.
Boner News: NEXT ‘MASS EFFECT’ IS A SEQUEL. PLUS NEW RACES DETAILED.
Hell yeah. Take this for what it’s worth — I’m taking it to be legit. A fan who was privy to a special meeting at PAX has dropped details regarding the next Mass Effect. And I’m sprung.
WARREN ELLIS is relaunching ‘MOON KNIGHT’, hanging out in NYC with the character.
I’m going to buy this Moon Knight by my master. Don’t get me wrong. The problem is that every time there is a new Marvel title announced by Ellis I (perhaps irrationally) hold the development responsible. Responsible for what? Getting in the way of my fucking Doktor Sleepless. Yeah I know there is probably not correlation. I know! Leave me alone.
Cosplay: LADY SIF with that majestic goddess swag.
I don’t really like doubling-down hard on cosplay too close to the previous post, but. Whatever. It’s Saturday. Looking for a few morsels to through out into the netter-webs.
And this Lady Sif? Gorgeous enough to justify it.
XBOX ONE sells more than 1 MILLION UNITS WORLDWIDE on launch day. XBONIN’ THE HATERS.
I am by no means an Xbone hater. As I’ve said across the various poorly-edited posts on this site, I’ve made my amends with Microsoft. Their recalcitrance giving away to penitence more than mollified my anger. So them doing well on launch day? I ain’t got no beef.
Cold Blooded: EVERY SINGLE DEATH from George R.R. Martin’s ‘A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE’ TABBED.
Don’t let the jolly belly and the beard fool you. George R.R. Martin is one cold blooded motherfucker. Here is every single death from his A Song of Ice and Fire (it isn’t Game of Thrones, you illiterate swine!) tabbed. Two-hundred and eighty-four fallen souls. Shout out to I Heart Chaos for the find.
iD Software -cofounder JOHN CARMACK has RESIGNED. So it goes.
John Carmack is a beast. Created the engines that powered Doom, Quake, and countless other games. Dude is also sort of a douchebag. (Read Masters of Doom. Awesome book.) But whatever. The man who Really Hasn’t Made A Good Game In Eons has left the company he helped found. To work on the Oculus Rift.
And shit.
Sony is working on SMART WIGS. Yes. Smart Wigs.
Man! Fuck my shitty hair! And don’t just fuck it because of my receding hairline. Fuck this dome-muff because of how fucking pedestrian its capabilities are. Can’t do shit! Mannnn, I gotta get me a smart wig.
A smart wig.
